I don't know what I'm doing.

[choc27]

Everything is an argument with my nearly 13 year old ds. Wants his phone in his room at night, says he wants to listen to things to help him sleep. He had never had a problem sleeping and never mentioned anything about this before. He moans and argues about it. Says we don't trust him, well I don't because he spends his whole life looking at the bloody phone. He walks from one room to another still looking at it. Looks at it when he is on the toilet etc. It is constant. Dh thinks we should just let him get on with it. If I try and take the phone from him he honestly makes me feel so unreasonable and over the top. I doubt myself.
He argues over everything. Why should he keep his room tidy? Why should he put away his clean washing the same day its put in his room? Why should he go to bed at 9.30 on a school night? Why does he have to stop playing a game on PlayStation before the game is over to have dinner? Why does he have to eat breakfast/lunch?
Everything is a row and he makes me feel over the top and tells me I am over reacting to everything. I don't know if I am right or wrong anymore. He is generally a good kid and does well at school.

[BorneoBound]

Have you got Google family link? You can set times the phone will turn on and off, screen time limits and limits for specific apps. I'd definitely recommend. As for listening to stuff when trying to sleep, funnily enough both of mine (12 and 14) now do this but didn't when younger. They usually just ask Alexa to play something though so the room is still dark and I don't mind this.

[junebirthdaygirl]

Do give plenty of warning for the end of games before dinner as if they have to finish at few moments notice and they are on a good run they can get very cranky.
As for the phone it's fine to take it at night. It's important he doesn't hear dh saying it's OK because they can become experts at dividing parents if they suspect there is even half a chance of getting their way.
If he complains maybe say five minutes off next day for each complaint. Once ours went to Secondary at 13 here we didn't have a bedtime but all screens were off. So they could read or hang about..up to them.

[choc27]

Thanks the input. I have said to him he can listen to sleep stuff on alexa but he is adamant it isn't the same one as in his phone. I'll look into it more though.
I do have the family link app thing and funnily enough was just looking at it for this reason however I can't seem to make it work for this situation. I can make the phone stop at a specific time but that doesn't help because he could still be playing on it instead of listening to music. I can set time limits on apps but only where they can play for a set number of hours rather than specific apps switching off at set times. If what he wants to listen to is on youtube though then it would have to be a matter of trust that he was really only listening and not on bloody youtube shorts.
I will spend time tomorrow finding out exactly what he listens to and how to get it on alexa. This was off the back of a 10.30pm row when he should have already been asleep. So I didn't get details as it was the last straw after a day of arguments.

[SiouxsieSiouxStiletto]

Definitely start knocking time off the next day, we did this and it worked.

So if he has to hand over his phone at 9 if bedtime is 9.30 and he complains, explain that if he doesn't hand it over he'll have to hand it over at 8 the next day. Works a treat usually although they have to realise you're serious and you have to carry it through.

Does DH know a lot about teen online safety and teenage sleep?

[choc27]

Dh just trusts him when he says he won't use it apart from to listen to it.
I managed to get his video to play the sound through alexa by Bluetooth and left his phone outside his bedroom door.
He was happy with this but I can tell he is still annoyed that I didn't trust him. I've told him the reasons why I don't though. Not much more I can do than that.

[crazypiglady]

Oh my gosh yes I hear you it’s a constant battle and you are not alone! Phones away (as in she hands it over to me) at night is a hard rule for us and it’s a battle but it’s a safeguarding and sleep issue - although I hate it cos I love a good mindless scroll at night I’ve had to lead by example and leave my phone downstairs to show I’m not on mine either. DD1 also argues she needs sounds to sleep - that’s what her Alexa is for. It’s tough & a battle but I work with teenagers & honestly think you are doing the right thing, phones in bedrooms at night is not good for a whole host of reasons 😬

[choc27]

We are all sorted with that now, he leaves it outside his bedroom door for the Bluetooth. Now we are on to "I don't want to wear my bike helmet...." 🙄