Son has got a detention every day for the last 3 weeks

[rob38]

My 12 year old son has got a detention every day for the past two weeks, mainly for talking and messing about in class and for refusing to work. Any advice on how I can get him to improve his behavior? Thank you

I don't think artificially imposed consequences are very helpful. I would talk to the school and ash for at least one specific example of what he did to get detention, preferably a very recent one

Then armed with those facts as described by the school ask you son to tell you what happened. Ask him about the facts of that specific incide tv as he remembers them . So if he says he doesn't know what happened, ask for facts like who was there , when was it, which lesson, which teacher, what time. DO NOT ASK HIM WHY, he did what he did, he almost certainly won't know or won't answer

Keep calm, listen and repeat what he tells you to make sure you have understood the facts as he sees them. Then explain that you understand his point of view but that you want him to learn and not to be in detention, ask him for what he thinks is the solution. You may be surprised at what he says.

Is this a big change? If so you need to get to the bottom of what has triggered it.

detention obviously isn’t working so you need to discuss with school and him together what is going wrong and how to work together to fix it

”pissy” 😆. I don’t think you understand the word nuance.

Its certainly going over your head.

Why is he refusing to work?
Why is he messing about in class?
I've known pupils behave like that because if they were co-operative in class, other boys would bully them.
It might be that the work has no relevance to him whatsoever.
It might be that the school has a detention system that makes it easy to put a child in detention; some schools insist the teacher setting the detention supervises it, so in effect as a teacher you are putting yourself in detention and punishing yourself for some silly child's bad behaviour - not many detentions that way.
I think the 'why' of it matters.

Exercise.

Seriously, I’d ensure he is doing so exercise several times a week to release any tension/stress/anxiety. Being calmer will help him deal with school better.

And if there is some issues with trauma, I’d look at finding a child counsellor privately.

Also are school aware of the nature of the trauma? They may be able to offer some interim support

Children do well if they can, if he’s constantly in detention and it’s not having the desired effect then something’s going on.

Talk to school, see if there are patterns going on - specific lessons, teachers etc
Talk to him, in general terms (don’t fish for information), but just let there be open conversation and see if he comes out with anything interesting.
Its near the end of term, he could just be exhausted.

I recommend a book called Lost in School by Ross Greene.

Is he behaving well in certain classes?

In the second answer too!

Have you asked him what happens in detention / who else is getting detentions / what they're like, etc?

I wonder if perhaps the detention isn't the punishment the school thinks it is.

For example, a friend getting detentions too, someone he likes being there, 1:1 attention from a teacher that he doesn't get in busy lessons, getting out later from school makes the journey home easier, engineering detentions to avoid getting bullied on the bus or walk home, the end of detention coincides with a friend's sports practice finishing, etc.

I'm glad it's not just me thinking that.

Rarely the case actually.

Mmm spot the teachers on the thread 👀

😂😂😂

Well clearly the detentions are not working!

So you need to meet with the school and ask what is going wrong. What is he doing exactly? How might he be deflected from this? Can something positive be found that he can shine at? Is a particular teacher the one who is giving detentions? What does your DS say about this? Can he explain why he does what he does?

There is no doubt that school can be an impossible environment for some children, especially boys. It is an artificial environment in which their natural exuberance is held in check in ways that are just unsupportable. It often suits girls better, many of whom enjoy getting stuck into a sitting-down task.

I know in the school where I am CofG, the teachers recognise this and there are regular moments when the children are allowed to stand up and jiggle around, do star jumps etc. They are allowed to be children.

You cannot let this continue ... imagine if you were at work and being disciplined all the time. He will get into a pattern that he cannot break; and will have to endure constant reinforcement that he is not acceptable.

There is a mismatch here between what your DS can do and what he is being asked to do.

But, having said all that, it must be driving the teachers nuts - so finding a solution is important for them and him.

Does he have good friends? Is he trying to make them?

When he misbehaves at home, what are the consequences?

Please do make the school aware of this and make sure they are using trauma and attachment informed approaches to settle him. I wonder if a HOY or sendco could observe English to see what's happening too. Check that the teacher is being kind to him and settling him in, so he is less likely to be in flight or fight mode and chattering in the lesson.

Does he find writing and reading hard?

Did you miss the post where the OP explained the child is awaiting treatment for trauma?

Your qualifications in the psychology of behaviour, @Muddygreenfingers ?

The trouble with reward/punishment systems is they assume the young person just needs stronger motivation to behave in an appropriate way. This is very rarely the case. If he is getting detentions every day, he clearly isn't capable of just stopping or he would have, assuming he hasn't yet become so cynical and disenchanted by school that he has stopped trying at all - self fulfilling prophecy where punitive systems are over liberally applied without better interrogation of causality in behaviour.

Kids with a significant trauma history are highly likely to have executive functioning difficulties. This means, difficulties with planning, prioritizing, organizing, monitoring, and switching tasks. This is likely to be more obvious in English at secondary which tends to require more planned and organized answering.

Even if not executive functioning, there will be an expectation he is having difficulty meeting, and he lacks the skills to communicate this in a way that will draw support. For example, he can't work out how to structure an answer? He could ask for help. Teachers don't mind helping. The problem is, kids often can't properly explain precisely what they are struggling with. They might soldier on, if they are compliant, and hand in something that looks long but really doesn't answer the question. They might say "I don't get it" but the teacher might not understand how to help. They might have experienced shame or humiliation when asking for help in the past, so they stop asking, etc etc

Be a bit of a detective. Try to work out where he's struggling.

As opposed to children with poor behaviour being labelled ‘neurodiverse’?

Bribing him to toe the line in class is absolutely the worst thing you can do!

yes, one wonders why schools do not discuss these things.