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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Does DD10 need a therapist?

16 replies

WhatFreshHell1 · 01/07/2023 19:07

DD is 10 and for the last few years her behaviour has been up and down. For the majority of the time she is sweet and well behaved, but around 10-20% of the time she is angry, cheeky, bad tempered, abusive, insolent.

It usually starts when I ask her to get dressed. It’s as though getting dressed stresses her out, or is a trigger for something. This has gone on for years. She loses her temper, says she doesn’t know what to wear, refuses to get dressed, says she doesn’t want to go out etc. I should say she does struggle with clothes generally. She hates everything I buy and will only wear the same 3 or 4 things. It’s a real battle to get her out the house and into the car. She usually calms down after an hour or 2, but today it is 10 hours later and she’s still in a temper.

She calls me and her little brother idiots and stupid. When she gets told off for shouting, she follows me around the house shouting deliberately. There’s loads more but too much to write here. Her dad tries to laugh it off and say it’s just what girls do and his sisters were the same at her age.

Today has been an awful day and she’s still going - I’ve taken her iPad off her. I struggle to think of other appropriate consequences. She doesn’t have a phone so it’s nothing to do with that. At school she is a model pupil and consistently gets great reports.

Can anyone please help me? Does she need a therapist? Or is it hormonal, even though it’s been like this for over 3 years and seems to be getting worse. I’m at my wits end.

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EastCoastRye · 01/07/2023 19:08

A friend of DD's saw a psychologist at about this age for help with anger issues and it really helped. You will have to go private though.

titchy · 01/07/2023 19:45

Keep a diary. A therapist would ask you to so you may as well start now. Other than getting dressed what else are her triggers? What happens when she has to get her school uniform on? What happens if you let her not get dressed?

WhatFreshHell1 · 01/07/2023 20:24

She’s fine getting dressed on a school day. She seems to thrive on routine. She’d probably be ok if I let her stay in pyjamas, but that would mean not going out which wouldn’t be fair on her younger brother. A diary is a good idea. Thank you.

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Elieza · 01/07/2023 20:39

Maybe the routine of laying out clothes the night before for the following school day should continue with casual wear at the weekends?

That way any strops are over and done with the night before when there is no rush to hurry up and get dressed so we can go out of a Saturday etc. and the clothes are chosen end of.

wherearethewindows · 01/07/2023 20:51

Is their a possibility of neuro-diversity? When did it start? I wonder if the clothes are sensory overwhelm rather than hating them

pjani · 01/07/2023 20:54

Yes, I am also wondering if it’s sensory. And is she ok getting dressed if she can just wear those 3 or 4 things on repeat?

WhatFreshHell1 · 01/07/2023 20:58

Possible neuro-diversity. Clothes thing started about 3 years ago. Also wondering if Pathological Demand Avoidance. Just thought of something else - we were on holiday not long ago and the tiled floor was wet and slippy. I told her not to run on the floor in case she slipped - so she did it even more, very deliberately. As if she was acting out of sheer malice. Another example: she does a sport 4 times a week, not normally an issue. A few weeks ago she point blank refused to get ready to go. Curled up in a ball on the stairs, lay on the carpet crying. Eventually got her to the leisure centre where she cowered in the changing the rooms having a huge meltdown and the coach had to intervene.

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WhatFreshHell1 · 01/07/2023 21:01

@pjani She’s better if she can wear those 3-4 things on repeat, but often has the meltdown and still ends up wearing those things. I‘ve been known to trace old clothes on Vinted and re-buy them.

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CherryBlossom321 · 01/07/2023 21:07

What you describe here sounds very much like my 11 year old. She’s diagnosed autistic, and fits the PDA profile. I’ve had to completely revise my parenting approach. Have a read of “The explosive child” by Dr Ross W Greene and research Plan B Parenting.

pjani · 01/07/2023 21:18

Yes, it sounds worth getting a psychological assessment of some kind.

Loverofoxbowlakes · 01/07/2023 21:22

I once taught a kid whose behaviour was AWFUL on PE day, we later found out that he struggled with buttons and was horrified at the thought of embarrassing himself in front of his classmates getting dressed. Simple fix as mum bought him a shirt with velcro for PE day.

Could it be that she has problems with her fingers? Or maybe some sensory thing with seams or labels maybe?

I agree with the setting clothes out the night before, sets up a positive start to the day, give her some choice about what she's wearing.

Could she be about to start her periods? Maybe she already has and is scared to tell you. Sounds like she's got a lot going on, but it could be a simple fix (once you get to the bottom of it)

TheYear2000 · 01/07/2023 21:41

I was a teen who struggled emotionally and I really wish my parents had sought support for me then.

I don't see how your daughter seeing a therapist could possibly have a negative impact for her or anyone in your family. Indeed It may have an incredibly significant beneficial impact for her and for you all.

Everyone- even neurotypical people who don't struggle particularly with their mental health- can benefit from therapy. And it does sound like your daughter is struggling regularly with fairly day to day experiences which is a sign that she does need help.

I used to struggle both with sensory issues with clothes and also the interpersonal impact of clothes- I didn't like attracting attention either positive or negative. My mum had been a confident teen/girl so her instinct was to dress me fairly prettily and I was more comfortable in very neutral trousers/t-shirts but I found it very hard to articulate any opinions about how I looked or should dress as I was so self conscious. It's hard being a young girl or it is for lots of us anyhow.

So please do go for it. It'll probably have to be private as waiting times are so horrendous sadly.

WhatFreshHell1 · 02/07/2023 12:03

Thanks everyone. I have ordered The Explosive Child.

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NuffSaidSam · 02/07/2023 12:11

In the short term, why not just let her wear her PJs? You can still go out unless they're massively revealing or something. Would she wear leggings and a big t-shirt for bed and then she can keep it on? Would she wear uniform at the weekend to keep her routine the same?

I'd try and avoid this trigger if possible, while also seeking some help.

WhatFreshHell1 · 02/07/2023 20:03

@NuffSaidSam That’s actually a really good idea. I think I need to lower standards slightly and just do what works for her and the family. Her pyjamas kind of look like outerwear anyway, especially if she just pops a hoodie over the top!

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unicorncrumble · 02/07/2023 20:40

I think she needs a proper assessment by a psychologist - they will be able to guide you to next steps.

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