Picking your battles

[grunttheterrible]

Everyone around me at the moment tells me that if I want a close relationship with DD12 over the next few years I need to start picking my battles but I'm really, really struggling with it 😭

She won't wash unless forced into the shower (BO not an issue yet but can't be far off) She's fortunate enough to be eligible for NHS braces but won't brush her teeth so she'll be chucked off nhs care any day and we'll just have to pay. She steals her baby sister's chocolate buttons when she's eaten her own snack cupboard. She only cares about her phone and every time I take that away as a consequence all hell breaks loose with Disney dad who pays for that (instead of paying maintenance although that's not really relevant to the post) on the plus side she has nice friends and is doing well at school and I'm ignoring plenty of other annoyances like a bad attitude towards me, eating too much sugar etc, but I'm also starting to feel like I'm not really in control and I hate it. There are too many "big" issues to not deal with all of them and frankly I'm feeling lost

These all seem like big, important things to me that

It's really important to pick your battles in the teen years. Whoever is telling you that, is right.

The fact she has nice friends should be a real relief to you. Friends can be a big influence once puberty kicks in. A group of good friends is such a positive thing.

The other thing to do that makes life easier is have some reasonable, non-negotiable rules. Don't get in to arguments - eg the phone - as soon as she knows she can negotiate, she will.

Don't get hung up over some chocolate buttons. Which of us hasn't eaten too many sweets at some stage of our lives?

Keep eating your evening meal together, without screens, as a normal habit. Talk about 'theoretical scenarios' or things that are in the news ..... "Did you hear about X or Y? I can't imagine being in that situation. I don't know what I'd have done" ........... or ......... "Someone at work was saying their dd was at a party when this happened. It must have been really difficult for her. What do you think she should have done?" etc. Starts them thinking about ways to respond to different circumstances without it sounding like you are accusing them, or without expecting them to drop any of their friends in it.

Read 'How to talk so Teens will Listen, and Listen so Teens will talk'