Expectations on a 12 yr old

[user1469485133]

Hello there,

I have a 12 yr old stepdaughter who lives with us (her Mum and myself, I'm her Mums female partner) half of the time and the other half with her Dad and Dad's girlfriend.

I'm looking for guidance as to how much or how little, a 12 yr old should help out in the house etc. I was making dinner at this age, going to the shops (local) to buy food, feeding our dog and taking her for walks.
My partner and I have differing opinions on how much help or how interactive my stepdaughter is/should be around the house and in general.
I feel she has a very privileged background and has her needs met daily, if not hourly! Currently it's a rarity if she takes her plate into the kitchen after dinner time. Often, if she's asked to help, she might say something like 'why do I have to do it?' or she will cry and go to her room and slam the door. Sometimes, she gets options like 'would you like to load the dishwasher, bring in the washing or sweep the kitchen floor'. And then she will choose and procrastinate on it. Her bin is emptied in her room and her plates, cups are taken out of her room by her Mum.
I'd be interested to know the expectations of other parents.
Please can you help me to understand and learn as sometimes I think I'm floundering and doing a really rubbish job of being around her.

Thanks all!

How long have her parents been separated, how long have you been with Mum, how long has Dad been with his girlfriend. You can't compare her to a 12 year old who hasn't had family separation unless of course this has been her world since a very young age. If any of the family dynamics are new she will be dealing with more than just being a lazy preteen.

My daughter is 11 and she helps with cooking (and can cook and bake herself if required - this is a particular interest and strength of hers tho and I don't think all children of her age could reasonably be expected to cook from scratch - they should be able to make a sandwich or heat up a tin of soup at least tho) and with other chores such as hanging out the washing, feeding the dog etc on an ad hoc basis. Usually I will ask her to help me, rather than do it independently by herself, because it is funner. She will also go to the corner shop on her own to pick up groceries - she enjoys this independence I think.

She will moan when asked to do something sometimes like we all will, depending on her mood. Generally she accepts the need to help around the house however. She is quite mature for her age I think, and I know I am lucky in this regard.

I am with a new partner, as is her dad. I don't honestly think that has any impact on the amount of housework etc she should or shouldn't be asked to do.

Don't get me wrong I'm not saying it has an impact on how much they should/shouldn't do but the fact the OPs step daughter is taking herself off crying when asked to do something could indicate there is more here than a kid being lazy.

Lazy kids tend to just not do things or strop and moan whilst doing it not cry.

It's totally normal for preteens and teens to moan, complain and act like your demands are tantamount to slavery for any kind of domestic chores. This is the same for families without step-parents too. It is part of good parenting to let the moaning fall on deaf ears and insist the chores are done, even if they would be done quicker and better by an adult. Doing all the work for the sake of a quiet life is ultimately selfish as it does the child no favours at all to be brought up so entitled.

My 13yo has been unstacking the dishwasher daily and helping with the recycling weekly. Assistance with food prep and clearing the table is sometimes required and sometimes not depending on how much homework etc needs doing. Of course we have moaning.

Surely you should be following your DP's lead? It's her DD. She'll be aware of everything her DD is processing and how disruptive she's found the separation, both parents having new partners, different rules in each house, etc.
No matter what you did when you were 12, you didn't live through a global pandemic. It's had a massive impact on DCs and their maturity, and experience levels.
It sounds as though you're objecting to what your DP chooses to do for her DC. I don't think that's your place. Giving options and letting DCs choose is recommended in lots of parenting books. You might benefit from reading Get Out of my Life but First Take Me and Alex Into Town.

I have a 12yo DD but for reference she's autistic, so perhaps our expectations are less than they would be otherwise. Might be interesting to compare though.

She makes her own breakfast and packed lunch for school. She doesn't make dinners but occasionally I ask her to help me with food prep and she loves to do that.

She has to be reminded/nagged to take plates and glasses to the kitchen but she'll do it eventually.

Sometimes I ask her to help me with something like hanging washing out or putting it away and she enjoys doing things with me. I suspect if I asked her to do it as a solo chore though she would grumble.

If I asked her to go and get something from the shop she'd jump at it because she likes her independence

Her room is a tip and only really gets tidied with my help. The one non negotiable we have is that her clothes have to go in the laundry basket or they won't be washed- I'm not picking them up off the floor - so she's good at that now.

So I guess generally she enjoys doing things with me or things that are novel...if I expected her to do lots of mundane things by herself it would probably cause issues.

I really do appreciate all the answers here. It helps me to recognise if my expectations are on par, or whether they are too high/too low. So thank you.

Some points to add are that I have lived with my step daughter since she was 5 years old, so for 7 years we've lived in the same house.
I generally don't 'parent' her and I leave this to her Mum, my partner.
However, I have input as we live in the same house. It would be like living in a shared house and not having a say in what happens. I do a lot of the 'housework' type things, even though me and my partner both work. My partner loves to cook and shop for food, but the other bits, I find myself doing them. I financially support my step daughter too, when she's with us.
So I guess for me, I see her Mum running around after her and I find that difficult to sit back and watch.
I've noticed a lot of comments about having parents that have separated. I was in this situation when I was little and I have sympathy and understanding of the effect of this on young children - so this has not gone un noticed. Personally, I don't think whether parents are separated or not should have any effect on how much a child should help out in a household.
I'd love to see her gain happiness and independence, and the joy of self sufficiency through experiencing a sense of 'community', and helping each other out daily, I feel it grows a certain sense of compassion and a sense of self.
She gets herself to school via a long bus journey, is able to bake cakes from scratch by herself etc so can be very independent when she wants to be.

The taking herself off and crying...hmm. Well, she's done this for a long while. It's normally when my partner says 'no' to something. Which isn't often to be fair. Even if we are having something for dinner which she disagrees with (again not often), she will go off, cry and slam her bedroom door.
I think that's her default reaction to something she disagrees with.
My partner always gives her time and then goes up to see her and discuss what's happened.
It's difficult for me to know where to put boundaries, when it's okay for me to say something, when it's not okay. Being a step parent is tough. If I sit back and not have a say in what happens in our house, it builds up in my head. If I do say something, I need to be compassionate to both my partner and her daughter. It's hard to meet everyone's needs isn't it.

I have wondered if she is on the autistic spectrum. She can be quite fixed and rigid in what she likes or dislikes. Food, taste, clothes, interests.

Anyway, thank you for your comments :)