Any mum not have periods? How did you explain to your girl?

[AngelofTroy]

Hi, my daughter is 7 and has until recently had no real idea about periods.

Talking to friends who are mums of girls, they all just grew up knowing about them because they saw their mum having them and it was a natural conversation.

I have a mirena coil and one side effect for me is that I don't get periods at all.

My son (10) has learnt about puberty at school and I was very happy and open answering his questions and DD was there and asked some of her own.

One question was "is it just until you're a grown up?" and I explained that women have them until they're much older, and she asked why she's never seen me have one.. so I explained that I don't have them anymore.

Of course she wanted to know why, and I told her I had something in my uterus that stops them because I had had my children.

Now she's telling me she doesn't want children and wants a coil put in so she never has periods or children!

I've told her that isn't an option and that girls all have periods for a while. Also that the coil is for grownups only and that it doesn't stop them for everyone.

She is autistic and very black-and-white about things, and thinks this is all extremely unfair.

I'm not sure where to go from here. Any advice would be appreciated! Hopefully it'll be years til she starts but I'd like to make sure she has good understanding as at the moment she is adamant that it "won't happen to her" and that if I can stop mine then it's ageist to make children have them.

I feel a bit out of my depth!

I had the depo injection for years and then went through menopause young so my daughters have never seen me have a period. We talked about it a lot though from a young age, and have talked about different options, pads, tampons, cups etc.
Thats all you can do really! Keep talking, and answer questions honestly

My mum had a hysterectomy at a young age and I found it quite difficult to have those conversations and to be the only one in the house on my period, I was often embarrassed having to use the bin in the family bathroom as then my dad and brothers would know I was on my period which seemed a big deal to me back then. I wasn't open to conversations on the topic either, ironically I became a science teacher that taught sex Ed and did so happily.

If DD is autistic go down the biology route and make sure she understands what is happening and teach it just like an other body system. Get her some samples of sanitary products to look at and handle so they aren't foreign to her. Show her how a tampon works in a bottle of water, get her to practise sticking a pad on underwear etc. It is really common for autistic girls to struggle with the messy side of periods and the general self care and hygiene. Period pants are fantastic for this because they last a long time, don't need to change whilst at school, and importantly are black so you can't see the blood which I know many girls struggle with on other white sanitary products.

At 7 she isn't going to retain or understand everything you say to her until she starts them herself so just make sure you bring it up occasionally.

Nobody likes the idea of bleeding for a week, why would they and knowing that there are options out there to stop the bleeding in the future is important to know too. My autistic DD likes rules and was quite happy with being told Dr's can't give you anything to stop the bleeding until they know everything works properly when you are 16, ironically when we then approached the GP due to her painful periods they wouldnt use a contraceptive to stop the bleeding as she was too young.
Remember that she is likely to take whatever you say literally and will relate it to what she knows so bleeding after grazing a knee etc and will relate the pain to that for now which is a very different pain to what we experience during menstruation.

I’ve been very open with my dc about reproduction etc., always had bathroom door open for showers or they’d bang it down being upset when much younger. But they’ve never ‘seen’ me have a period. Not really sure what this means?!? Surely nobody allows their dc to ‘see’ them changing a pad or tampon?

This. I never saw my Mum change a pad or tampon and I would not do it in front of my son after he was about 3. Do people really do this in front of children?

I use the toilet when I have my period in front of my DD and DS who are 11 and 9 now. Always have done. They sometimes fetch me a sanitary towel if I need one. I never actually saw a period and when I got mine I thought I was dying so I’ve always thought it important to let them see mine. None of us are phased by it.

I have never known anything about my mums periods, but she explained it all to me. I don’t think this is that unusual.

My DD (nor DS) have never seen me ‘have my period’, why would they?

My Mum talked to me about periods so I knew what to expect before it arrived. I really didn’t need to see her changing her sanpro to understand what it was all about!

Likewise, I have been talking to DD about it for years - she’s 12 and doesn’t have it yet, but she knows what to expect and has a pack of everything she could possibly need in her school bag.

She really doesn’t need (nor, I’m certain, want) to see me dealing with a mooncup. 😳

I would start by explaining that the mirena coil doesn’t make all women stop their periods. It’s only goal is to prevent pregnancy and it has the side-effect of stopping periods in some women.

you can also talk to her about how once she goes through puberty and reaches the age where pregnancy is a possibility, she will be able to talk to you and her doctor about birth control options. She can choose to take charge of her fertility

i find with my autistic daughter it is best to give her the facts and to not insult her intelligence by simplifying the information too much.

Completely agree, my mum talked to me about periods but I never would’ve been aware of her actually having one - people don’t ‘see’ someone’s period happening do they?

OP I’d explain that it’s something you don’t ‘see’ as such, and whilst you don’t have one because of your coil even if you did it would be something you’d manage whilst in the toilet, not a general thing for people around you to be aware of.

Yes, this. I've had a mirena and no periods for about 14 years, but it hasn't made a difference to DD as I wouldn't have had her in the bathroom 'witnessing' me have a period anyway! I just explained everything to her, and googled pictures and diagrams, and bought pads and tampons well before she begun her periods, and opened them up with her, encouraged her to touch them, put water on them to see how they work.

Why do you use the toilet in front of your 11yo and 9yo children? Also why don’t you keep pads in the bathroom? My mum only used the toilet in front of me when I was a toddler and she needed to keep an eye on me. I didn’t know what a period was until I started my period in Year 6 and we hadn’t learnt about periods yet at school (in my 20s now). I’m glad my mum didn’t show me her soaked through bloody pads and tampons, but I wish we were taught about periods in Year 5 and not the end of Year 6.

I thought girls learnt about periods in Year 4 or 5 nowadays so I think 7 (Year 2/3) is very young to know!

I don't understand the "seeing their mothers have periods" thing. What to people mean by "see"?

Could also be things like seeing mum buying sanitary products in the supermarket, seeing pads and tampons in the bathroom cupboard or in mum’s handbag, seeing period pants or reusable pads drying.

Was wondering this too. I've never once seen my mum have a period. How would a child know their mum is having a period??

This, I don’t remember seeing my mother ever changing her tampons/pads but I remember seeing her buy it at the supermarket, it in the bathroom etc. I distinctly remember being about 8/9 and asking her about a box of tampons as we were unpacking the shopping - the next day a ‘growing up/my body’ type book appeared in my room 😂

My mother kept her Tampax by the loo when she had her period. I expect we asked about what they were - I don't remember. I do know that being told about periods at school wasn't a great revelation because of Mum. They can be not flaunted without being hidden.

Sorry, that's just gross. You do not need to see or help your mum use the loo or change tampons to learn about periods. I was taught about them and how to deal with them long before I got mine and knew what to expect. I didn't need to see my mum doing anything. I can't believe you do all this in front of your 11 year old daughter and worse, 9 year old son!

Thanks for all the judgment and pearl clutching. I don’t use tampons , only pads. And I don’t ‘flaunt’ my period in front of the children. We don’t tend to lock the bathroom door in our house. If one of them walks in, I don’t hide it away like it’s something to be ashamed of. And I’m still of the belief that it’s better for the children to have actually seen a real life period before they/their future girlfriend gets one.

And no one helps me ‘change a tampon or use the loo’. Sometimes I’m downstairs and all my pads are upstairs. One of the children runs up and gets me one. It’s their choice to either throw it in to me or walk in and give it to me. But neither of them are perturbed by periods.

My mum bought a book about it and we read it together and talked about it. I don't know the book title, sorry, it was about 40 years ago, I'm 48.

Once you've seen your first period, you've seen a period and if you were prepared and told in advance that you will bleed and it's all fine, then no need to 'see' someone else's period. That's crazy. Pretty sure my mum had stopped having periods by the time I got mine but still remembered enough to tell me what was going to happen

It is unfair!

Periods are messy, embarrassing, difficult to manage and can hurt.

It's really unfair.

Boys have icky stuff too but it's not the same as a period.

I think as long as you're having open conversations and have a book about puberty. She will probably manage (and get an implant/coil/pill when she wants!)

Stock up on chocolate and pads!

Dd was outraged that I was escaping periods (Mirena) when she had to live with them, especially as hers were quite heavy and painful. She went on the pill at 15 back to back and moved to the implant when older.

I’m going to be honest, if my Mum did this, I’d be going in the complete opposite direction with my own children, and keeping it completely private - as I’d have hated her to do all that in front of me, beyond any sort of age when basic toileting becomes a one-person, non-audience activity.

So, what, when DC are about 3 years old?