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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

I need tips for how to handle 11yo DD rudeness

8 replies

Tusktusk · 09/04/2023 11:25

A bit flummoxed here. She is my youngest DD. Older one wasn’t as tricky (but had her moments)

She is definitely hormonal. Not yet started periods.

She wants to be with her phone or laptop all the time. On her own, in her room. The content she is accessing is innocent enough - no Tiktok or other social media. She plays age appropriate games and listens to music on Spotify. She likes watching videos of people playing Minecraft Confused

Her time on these devices is limited to an hour on each. But as soon as I go to remove them, she becomes incredibly and increasingly rude and sulky.

She will ALWAYS resist handing her phone to me, asking why, trying to put it somewhere else other than in my hand, trying to negotiate, then getting angry with me when I hold my ground. I do negotiate but never far enough for her satisfaction. She will try to insist - “I WILL have my phone NOW” - which obviously doesn’t get her what she wants so I have no idea why she does this. She will also try to find where I’ve hidden it and get it back. She has even done this in the middle of the night before. This always has the consequence of her losing her phone for a full day or more. She still does it.

Other non phone related behaviours:
Rolling eyes and sulky expression almost constantly; muttering inaudibly so I constantly have to ask her to repeat herself or speak louder; tries to gesture her way through communication rather than actually speak; hardly ever says please or thank you any more; hides herself behind hair and hoodie.

She can be absolutely lovely of course. We enjoy private jokes together, she likes me reading to her at bedtime still. She can be very kind too. And sometimes she is overly needy - wanting constant cuddles etc.

But most of the time right now she is as described.

Any attempt to talk to her about it or call her out on rudeness just makes her withdraw further.

I think her self esteem is quite shaky. I need advice on how to handle her negative behaviours without making her withdraw or damaging her self esteem.

OP posts:
PritiPatelsMaker · 09/04/2023 20:12

The best advice I had at this age was to read Untangled.

Polik · 09/04/2023 20:22

Is she Y6 11yo or Y711yo?

Because I think you're being too restrictive for a Y7

piedbeauty · 09/04/2023 21:29

Age 11-12 was my DD's worst age. She knew everything, she was eye-rolly, rude, brought me to tears.

It passes.

You need to pick your battles and have strong boundaries. She will come back.

Tusktusk · 10/04/2023 07:37

She is year 6.

OP posts:
1930toEdinburgh · 10/04/2023 11:09

This is all normal and part of adolescence. It's part of her growing away from you.

Ignore the eye rolling and other non impactful stuff.

I'd not negotiate at all with her ever. Set the rules and do t deviate.

Can you lock down her screen access so she can't see anything even if she does get hold of it.

I would think to give her more than an hour a day at that age. That's not much at all to play those games. Some of those minecraft videos of people playing are an hour each!

I've got a similar y5 with similar issues. Different to my first kids. It's tough as the youngest one should still be the baby !

BBfrears · 13/04/2023 08:54

My son is the same or very similar! Some possible hormonal issues too, he is just turned 10 and can have a bad attitude! These mood swings been going on over a year now! I would suggest trying to introduce other hobbies, it might work might not. I bought my son a hoverboard and skateboard and he loves them! Doesnt stop the attitude but makes him more focused on something else. He also enjoys reading, especially David Walliams books I recommend em! Be in charge but try not to pay too much attention to the rudeness, my lad does it more when I get mad like he thrives off the reaction or it causes more attitude and arguing back. But good luck with your daughter ages 9-11 seem the worst! Xx

pictoosh · 13/04/2023 09:02

11-14 this was my lovely dd. Incommunicative, disinterested, glued to screens, wanted to be alone, contemptuous to me...etc. I despaired.
She is 14 now and has come back out of her cave somewhat. She smiles more, chats more, takes better care of her appearance, is cultivating interests outside of tiktok etc. Has always done well at school so no concerns there.
My advice? Wait it out.

WalKat · 16/05/2023 22:18

Sounds very familiar. My 10 almost 11 y/o is the exact same. We have the Google family setting on so can lock her phone from my phone but it often results in rudeness. She has even thrown the phone or tablet across the room in anger a few times. If she broke it, it most definitely wouldn't be replaced!! I guess it's just normal pre teen hormonal behaviour.

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