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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

Tell me about how to navigate preteens please

35 replies

WhatTheCluckedy · 04/04/2023 11:26

I am struggling.

Please tell me about your 10 year old. Ours it would appear, doesn't hear us anymore and our house feels like a war zone.
I dread her coming home, you never know what mood she will be in and if you say just one thing wrong she could blow...
She won't don't chores, I'm sick of her grunting, whatevering, storming off and general approach of 'I don't care'

She takes no responsibility- think dirty pants on the floor. She thinks she doesn't have to as we have 2 toddlers who don't have to put their washing away etc (can you imagine)

Nothing works, limiting electronics, stopping privledges, time out even treats and 1:2:1 doesn't work... its great in the moment then when the reward or fun is done within minutes we are back to it.

I've been reading Sarah ockwell Smith and am even looking into whether she could be neuro diverse but honestly I'm struggling.

We are due to go on holiday next week, I don't even want to go home from work today let alone on holiday. What on earth will 13 be like?

Any wisdom will be appreciated!

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 04/04/2023 11:37

you need to keep following through with discipline and consequences, same as before

I will say that you could be one of the lucky ones who hits the rebellious stage early rather than late, as it is easy to control a 10 year old, but less easy if they are 17 when they hit this stage

Original poster
WhatTheCluckedy · 04/04/2023 11:53

Thank you.

Following through seems to have absolutely no effect it could just drag on and on, say its no electronics until she tidies her room- could go on for weeks and we have the stropping and volatile behaviour until I break. The moaning her siblings don't tidy their rooms (they aren't a mess)

I will buy that book, thank you!

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 04/04/2023 11:58

dont break! all that teaches her is she gets her own way if she drags it out for long enough! You need to be immovable, and stick to your consequences

BigglyBee · 04/04/2023 12:04

WhatTheCluckedy · 04/04/2023 11:53

Thank you.

Following through seems to have absolutely no effect it could just drag on and on, say its no electronics until she tidies her room- could go on for weeks and we have the stropping and volatile behaviour until I break. The moaning her siblings don't tidy their rooms (they aren't a mess)

I will buy that book, thank you!

It's the breaking that ensured the problem will continue. With mine (I have 4), I found that cheerful relentlessness was the only way. And once a rule was set, there were no exceptions, ever.
There were plenty of chances for talking and if they had a problem they always came to me with it (and still do), but they knew they couldn't just wait it out and "win". Consequences need to be followed through, even if it takes 6 months! I found it fairly easy to convince them that they might as well do it now, since that would be the end result anyway, and my way was much less unpleasant, but this only became true after I'd stuck to my guns and shown that they couldn't just wait for me to give in.

Original poster
WhatTheCluckedy · 04/04/2023 12:14

Thank you.

I'll keep going but I'm exhausted and tbh it's causing problems in my marriage.
Right now I'd rather be a single mum as I can't deal with the shouting and arguing- that doesn't work either. Her and her dad are constantly at war.

I honestly don't want to go home from work today. It's the holidays and she's at home with dad.

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 04/04/2023 12:16

WhatTheCluckedy · 04/04/2023 12:14

Thank you.

I'll keep going but I'm exhausted and tbh it's causing problems in my marriage.
Right now I'd rather be a single mum as I can't deal with the shouting and arguing- that doesn't work either. Her and her dad are constantly at war.

I honestly don't want to go home from work today. It's the holidays and she's at home with dad.

💐just remember - better now than at 17.....

Cherrybl0ssm · 04/04/2023 12:19

Definitely don’t break. The cheerful relentless is important.
By no electronics it needs to mean none at all - phone, games consoles, tvs etc. It’s hard but you need to stand firm.
Have a box and keep them all in that box when they are gone.
You might need to find what she really values. Maybe it isn’t screen time.
Grounding for set periods was extremely effective for DS. Eg 30 minutes late home - no going out next time. Do it again, then half a week grounding etc.
But the rules needs to be explained before the behavior. In a calm manner. So what does she value? Explain when it will go in what circumstances. Sometimes she will complain that is isn’t fair - it doesn’t matter.
Also the toddlers are younger so they have different rules. And that’s that. She isn’t an adult and so doesn’t get to make those decisions.
It is so tedious. But unfortunately needs to be done.

BigglyBee · 04/04/2023 12:19

Would you be able to talk to your husband and agree a strategy? Mine was inclined to get quite shouty, which wasn't helpful, but saw my point of view once we discussed it. Effectively, that meant he left it all to me, but TBH that was better!

beachruns · 04/04/2023 12:28

One day at a time!

I echo everyone else’s advice.

I also think find things to praise. Even the SMALLEST thing like ‘oh thanks for bringing your plate out’. Sounds like parenting toddlers but honestly it sort of cleared the deadlock. It’s difficult for her to start a fight if you’ve said something nice. Also ignore muttering under breath?

IHateFlies · 04/04/2023 12:28

You said you have 2 toddlers. Does she get enough time and attention? 10 is still quite young and sometimes it's easy to assume the eldest is older and more responsible than they are.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 04/04/2023 12:43

My dd (11) got much nicer once she got her period. Now she is only horrible 1 week in 4!

Original poster
WhatTheCluckedy · 04/04/2023 13:05

Thank you everyone.

Yes,, we wondered if it was the responsibility and having time 121, she does however. We have 121 days and evenings and she says she Is happy with this

OP posts:
eloquent · 04/04/2023 13:14

Does she know how to 'tidy'?

Might sound daft, but I realised with mine it's that they don't know how to.

We are a household of the neurodivergent of various persuasions.

My two are 11 and 9 and I ask them specific things. To pick up their clothes and bring them down for washing.

For me, when it comes to tidying, that's a big task that seems insurmountable. So I have to break it down, realised I needed to do the same for the kids.

Also, I changed my expectations, it's their bedroom, if they want it messy then so be it. It's not the end of the world. And then we tidy it together every couple of months.

If you truly believe they is something like ADHD or autism, you need to change your thinking and parenting really.

And pick your battles.

eloquent · 04/04/2023 13:15

Really believe there is*

beachruns · 04/04/2023 14:56

Yes I totally agree with whether they ‘know’ how to do something.

I’ve just asked my teens to unload the dishwasher and empty the bins.

I actually put it in a text message with the request and guidance that ALL bins need to be emptied and taken to wheelie bin, otherwise they would empty their bedroom bin into the kitchen bin.

Original poster
WhatTheCluckedy · 04/04/2023 16:04

This are such great points thank you

OP posts:
Gem176 · 09/04/2023 20:51

I could have written your post!

Trying to stick out the following through. Refused point blank to tidy her room today so she is off to childminder all week while DH is at work and the toddler and myself are off to visit friends and family. I feel like the worlds worst mum but she has been AWFUL today. Not sure how much more I can take before I do a Shirley valentine! A summer in Greece, alone, sounds like bliss!

HurricaneLane · 10/04/2023 16:06

When shall we go! Sounds lovely.

We're on holiday and it is hell, she's harder than the other two preschoolers.

Husband thinks just naughty, and testing boundaries needing discipline.

I'm going insane thinking maybe she's neurodivergent..
Husband and family think I am making excuses for her.

I genuinely don't know what to do, or where to turn and I am going crazy

sillistudi · 10/04/2023 16:26

This is the book you need...
it'll pass, hold tight!
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Whats-Wrong-You-mothers-twenties/dp/0008407215/ref=ascdff0008407215nodl?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=463216953268&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=8057705247935419664&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9045845&hvtargid=pla-1073760060651&psc=1&th=1&psc=1&dplnkId=a5e29ef4-0788-402f-a4c3-db81c713454e

HurricaneLane · 10/04/2023 16:28

sillistudi · 10/04/2023 16:26

This is the book you need...
it'll pass, hold tight!
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Whats-Wrong-You-mothers-twenties/dp/0008407215/ref=ascdff0008407215nodl?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=463216953268&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=8057705247935419664&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9045845&hvtargid=pla-1073760060651&psc=1&th=1&psc=1&dplnkId=a5e29ef4-0788-402f-a4c3-db81c713454e

Thank you, the thing is she's only 10?

sillistudi · 10/04/2023 16:32

@HurricaneLane yep, mine was at her worse from 10-13.. a dream now at 15, because I read this and the penny dropped so rather than get upset/ lock horns, I understood the root cause of the behaviour. It's a funny read too! Good luck x

HurricaneLane · 10/04/2023 18:25

sillistudi · 10/04/2023 16:32

@HurricaneLane yep, mine was at her worse from 10-13.. a dream now at 15, because I read this and the penny dropped so rather than get upset/ lock horns, I understood the root cause of the behaviour. It's a funny read too! Good luck x

Thank you.

I'm still trying to work out if she's got adhd or it's just age
She's my eldest so have no idea tbh!

sillistudi · 10/04/2023 18:44

@HurricaneLane honestly we were in exactly same situation- I did even go to the doctors about it, but with ours it was just all about control - once we eased off & there was no fight to have, she settled down. Is she year 6? That's a tough year with secondary looming but also in our experience from y5 the girls friendships go thru a very rocky patch- maybe she's struggling with that & just acting out at home because she can, as in it's where she feels safe. I think mine practiced being a 'bitch' on me bcos she'd never do it to girls her own age but had to act it out on me almost. It's all a normal stage of development in my experience.. but really tough on us mums!!! The book describes it as living with your worst school bully or an angry wasp who just keeps getting at you 🤣

HurricaneLane · 10/04/2023 18:57

sillistudi · 10/04/2023 18:44

@HurricaneLane honestly we were in exactly same situation- I did even go to the doctors about it, but with ours it was just all about control - once we eased off & there was no fight to have, she settled down. Is she year 6? That's a tough year with secondary looming but also in our experience from y5 the girls friendships go thru a very rocky patch- maybe she's struggling with that & just acting out at home because she can, as in it's where she feels safe. I think mine practiced being a 'bitch' on me bcos she'd never do it to girls her own age but had to act it out on me almost. It's all a normal stage of development in my experience.. but really tough on us mums!!! The book describes it as living with your worst school bully or an angry wasp who just keeps getting at you 🤣

You just described life, where year 5.
Wouldn't say boo at school! There's always a demand or a problem

Currently away and wants money after money for arcade, chips, can we do this that and more.

I feel like its not good enough, there's no appreciation. We aren't well off by any means but I'd really love her to find out what it's like to live in absolute deprivation.
Maybe it's me, as that's the sector I work in, severe deprivation.

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