DD - 11 has no real friends

[PipPippin]

DD is in year 6 and is 11.

Shes what I would describe as an intelligent, kind and funny kid with a preference for traditionally ‘boys’ toys and games. She has (currently) zero interest in make up / appearance etc (which I’m pleased about). She’s into reading, Lego, drama, sport and likes music and watching TV and films, she also loves playing Minecraft. She’s physically active. Eg she would like to have a sword fight over doing crafts but my other child has zero interest in this!

so that all seems pretty ‘normal’ I guess but the worry is that she has no real friends. She’s been at the same school since age 3 and never really had a proper long term good friend. She used to tell us when she was small that she hung out with the older kids (like 3 years above) and we thought that odd but then Covid happened…anyway since things returned to normal She’s never been invited for a sleepover (she’s had two friends here but didn’t get invited back). She rarely gets invited to parties (although sometimes does by kids we are family friends of who are in her class). She plays a team sport and goes to a local drama class and other kids in her class go and they all ‘get on’ but she’s never invited to hang out with them outside of those practices etc. She’s never complained of being bullied but it seems she has no good friends to rely on. I suppose I get the feeling people think she’s ok but she’s never be first choice to hang out with.

she asks every now and then for her ‘friends’ to come over. She usually asks for one boy who is quite nice but basically they just play mine craft. There’s one girl who sometimes comes too but she never seems to want to be here, hard to explain. She never invites DD over to her house. I think maybe once in 3 years.

DD says at school she always plays with the boys (football and climbing trees) I am totally fine with that but none of the boys appear to see / view her as a friend. DH and I can’t help thinking she’s fallen in with that because the girls exclude her for whatever reason. There are plenty of boys play dates and parties and she never gets invited other than sometimes to one who is our neighbour who I think feels sorry for us!

regularly I see groups (or pairs) of girls and boys from her class now in the village getting a drink / ice cream / having chips whatever and I feel sad nobody ever asks her to do this. I’d be happy to let her.

has anyone any experience of a child who on the surface is happy and ok but struggles to make proper connections with others? Is there anything I can do to support her?

she is smart (never has an issue with school) and she starts a selective grammar school in September and I’m worried she’s not going to make any friends. 3 others are going (from her current class) but they are all good friends so I feel she will start off being the ‘odd one out’. She says this doesn’t bother her but I’m not sure that’s actually true.

Things change a lot in secondary and a group of 3 girls is usually a poisonous combo. My betting is they'll need a 4th for the group to survive. Much easier to find your tribe in a large school than a small one . If she's happy in herself I'd try not to worry but know that's easier said than done

I think for many kids who don’t ‘fit in’ at primary a larger secondary school can really help them to find their tribe. There will be a wider range of clubs and activities, and a bigger pool of quirky kids to hang around with. She sounds like a great kid, hope she enjoys her new school in September. I wouldn’t worry about the three friends, they will probably also be making new friends and may not end up being a thrupple for long.

It sounds like all the anxiety is all yours and she is happy. Just give her space, don’t keep making her feel that she should be part of a girly group. All your worry about nothing will transfer to her. She will make a few close friends as interests develop and she will be fine. You deal with your own friendships.

Thank you some good points and tips here. I agree it’s probably me overthinking this as she is generally pretty happy! Hopefully secondary will bring a much wider pool of kids for her.

MY DD was/is like this. She is probably autistic (in the process of diagnosis) but is a happy, funny, outgoing girl who has never had close friends and didn't fit in at her primary. She started secondary and now has a few girls that she hangs out with at school and who she has been to the cinema with, so it is better.

In terms of all the "normal" teen girl experiences, I have written those off in standard terms. However, she does go to various sports camps in school holidays where she always gets on fine (don't usually include kids from her school), and it overcomes that problem of everyone else hanging out together but her; sleepovers through guides and another music group she does (the music group go on tours); I have my eye on the National Citizenship Scheme for when she is older to further improve her skills and confidence.

So the boy who comes over who is quite nice and they play Minecraft together - why do you not class him as your dds friend?
Sounds like she has loads of interests which is good news.

@Poepourri good question. I do see him as her friend but I suppose they don’t quite seem on the same level in a lot of ways. But yes he’s someone she enjoys playing with and that’s good. He never invites her over though it’s always us inviting him but he did invite her to his birthday party. He also has a lot of other (male) friends who he spends time with. No criticism there I just don’t think she’s top of his list but obviously that may be because she’s a girl and he’s 10 and perhaps he’s embarrassed to be friends with a girl. I’m definitely projecting my own thoughts there!

My dd was the same. No friends at all at primary really. Both siblings have local friends so always calling on people, playing out and so on. She's now a teenager and found her tribe at secondary. All boys. She still likes lego, star wars, minecraft, science, books, warhammer, D&D and wouldn't have a clue what to do with makeup. All fine by me!

I think you might need to adjust your expectations too. It sounds like your DD is a well adjusted kid who is content with the friends and activities she has.
My DD is not that dissimilar. Friendly but not hugely sociable. At primary school she many had one or two preferred friends who she occasionally saw outside of school, but mostly I think she thought she saw enough of these kids at school!
She's not wildly different at 16. In the last couple of years she's fallen in with a lovely group of girls at school, who are also quite similar to her. Quite academic, with lots of interests, limited socialising but having a good time when they do meet and not very online or into fashion/dating, etc.

Thanks, this is all reassuring. @OakleyStreetisnotinChelsea this sounds very much like my DD. She also loves star wars. I am totally fine with all her interests, we actively encourage them all but i suppose I am over-thinking the friendship thing. I probably just need to forget it now until secondary and encourage her to go out with her one or two friends when she wants to. I should add she wants to be more social / see her friends, i wouldn't say she is all that content not having friends to see but she is happy enough and she is very busy with activities etc so i suppose that's fine for now. You have convinced me that she will find her way.

I have considered her being mildly autistic but i don't think she is. The only sign of that she would have is that she's not especially emotional or tactile. She's not a hugging / loving type but not everyone is. Other than that she has none of the signs so i don't think it could be that. I think she's just perhaps never found anyone she truly clicks with yet.

@Beamur also agree with the bit about my expectations. I am seeing this through my own experience as a 10-13 year old which probably isn't that helpful as she is not me!

My child is 14 years old and in a very similar position to yours. It does upset me. I've tried various things to help, but the friends never stick and become good mates. I think it's because she's mature for her age, so doesnt participate in silliness and siding with others in a fall out. She stays out of all that nonsense. But they probably dont like that about her. Yours might be the same?

@Beautiful3 she’s exactly like that. It’s why she says she doesn’t play with the girls because they squabble all that time and basically are mean to each other. She says the boys are easier to be friends with as it’s less drama and I do understand that. I do think in many ways she’s mature (she definitely smart compared to many of them) but she’s also not very worldly I guess in their eyes eg doesn’t have older siblings, doesn’t watch YouTube or much TV really or know much about ‘popular’ music or care about fashion remotely. Her female classmates just seem really quite different, at least a lot of them.

It’s the thing about friends not sticking, that’s how it feels here. In year 3/4 she had ‘best friends’ always for about 3 weeks and then that was it. They moved on (or she did) it was unclear.

My DD never had close friends at primary. She was sort of friendly with others but she wasn't interested in the same things and she is autistic so didn't quite fit in.

Secondary has been better. She started in September and it did take a while and a bit of intervention from school. But she now has a couple of friends who are much more like her. Joining a few clubs helped with that. She still doesn't see a lot of them outside school because her secondary takes from a wide area and they don't live that close. But I'm hoping when the weather is better they might meet up outside of school. She's always been quite happy to have school life and home life separate though.

What I would say is secondary isn't a magic pill. She did have to join a club. I did have to speak to the school and they set up a little group with some similar kids who were struggling and got them to do some fun stuff together to try and help build some friendships. So it took effort but we got there.

Thank you @FluffySatsuma im glad your DD is making friends. My daughter loves clubs and activities so I’m hopeful that will be a good start for her. She’s certainly not shy when it comes to those things so just got to hope there’s some like minded kids she eventually comes into contact with.

I read your post and wondered about autism. The Christine McGuiness documentary is really interesting about this - particularly about girls and special interests - they can be very specific eg the acting roles of Kate Winslet. For Christine it was a particularl film
Maybe something worth considering. It she is happy at home that is important. It can get harder as girls head towards adolescence. So keeping an eye in that. Outside clubs and activities in line with her interests can be really helpful.
My DS is awaiting an assessment and the friends and parties comments really resonated.

Thanks @Harping0n. I’ve considered this but I’m not sure she fits the profile although the lack of empathy is one are that she does fit it. She doesn’t have any obsessive interests, she’s kind of into loads of things and sporty and generally disorganised but very able when it’s comes to her actual work and outside interests. Also I just can’t believe she’d be able to communicate with adults as well as she does if she was autistic, not because autistic people can’t communicate (I know they can and also that they often mask what’s hard) but she seems at ease, funny (humorous), she uses sarcasm appropriately and she is aware when it’s time to stop talking / start / let the other person respond etc. i say this because we have an autistic family friend (same age as my DD), she’s lovely but all of those traits I’ve listed above she doesn’t have. She also has the ‘obsessive’ interests and a sort of ‘one track mind’. If anything my DD is more on the ‘can’t be bothered’ side or life a lot of the time! But I will keep an eye on her as she grows because I know it can be hard to detect and we think DH’s sister is very mildly autistic. That was Discovered this in later life so I know it can be hard to spot. good luck with your son’s assessment.

She sounds like a very intelligent girl with lots of cool hobbies and interests. I agree with others that she is probably waiting to find her tribe. If she’s not unhappy or feeling a lack of friendships then I’d try not to worry too much. I’m sure as she gets older she will find friends who match her vibes and interests.

I understand the worry, but if she is happy in herself then don't push the issue.

Some people get very close to others, have best friends they confide with etc.This is the romanticised version of friendship, and while common, especially among teen girls, isn't necessarily the most common type of friendship overall and also has its own difficulties.
Others have friends and people they get along with while they are doing so called " socialising activities", so at school and clubs , but then prefer to not have to deal with the ins and outs of knowing so much about other people's lives, thoughts and feelings.
Some people don't like socialising much and tend to prefer seeing only immediate family.
I think that we should learn to appreciate all types of social connections. The "best friend" teenage years can be lovely, but they can also be difficult. I too have struggled with this with my own children, and occasionally still do but I try not to, even though it's hard.

I think she will find her tribe in grammar. There's a big emphasis on sports in grammars, and she should benefit from this.

@redmillhouse thank you. Yes I would say she’s that middle group - gets along with and socialises with but doesn’t want to know all the emotions and ins and outs of. Good to frame it like that.

i definitely feel less concerned today after hearing all these thoughts. She is generally very happy and I think we are lucky she’s not yet turned into a nightmare tween (has her grumpy moments!) but from other stories we hear so far we are lucky and have it pretty easy. I’m just going to enjoy that and trust she will find her way / circle eventually.