How to parent him?

[Mh1984]

Hi everyone, i just desperately need to find a way to parent my son.

Now I will start this by saying he hets nothing but positives reports from school. Honour roll, leadership team , top marks in all subjects....teachers all say the same ( bit chatty but hardworking, respectful and kind). At home, this is not the case.

He doesn't shout or stomp around. He is never outwardly rude or nasty. He just has this smarmy attitude all the time. Has to have the last word, is always right, " will do it" to any request he is given, whether it be to so his homework, tidy his room, have a shower etc. I am single parent and a teacher so work very m8ch to a routine. I will ask him to get changed and start his homework when we get in from clubs, he will say ' I will ' I give clear timings ' im tidying the kitchen and starting dinner, i want you to have started by the time i get back '. -i will.

Then he is just say there, on his phone, watching TV, reading something.

He'll often answer me back when i tell him to do something, and when i tell him not to talk to me that way hell say 'I didnt' and double down on this. A compulsive liar.

He spends most weekends with his dad, who has similar issues but isnt as worn down as he only deal with it from Friday night to Sunday morning.

I don't know how to parent this. We have discussions, remove technology etc but it is breaking me having to be negative so often.

Even if it is something positive he responds with pure apathy and indifference.

I dont know what im asking really, but i feel broken. He was an absolute delight until he was about 10...now my own fsmily comments on how rude he is to me, or his lack of self awareness regarding how he comes across.

Is this hormones, or have i inadventently raised a spoiled, entitled brat?

You’ve asked for advice so I’m jumping in.

The first thing that strikes me is that you pathologised him with the phrase “compulsive liar” and that is really not a helpful mindset. Be careful of that kind of thought process setting in because it will create a lot of problems for you. I can totally sense your frustration and it’s understandable.

I honestly think this boundary pushing is completely developmentally normal so I wouldn’t worry about it being more than an awful phase.

what I do with mine is have small, consistent consequences. Mine is losing 5 mins of screen time at the start (that easier to make stick than at the end). If I get cheek, I point out that I don’t appreciate the tone/words, model an appropriate version of what they’re trying to say or what I want to hear (yessir mumsir! ) and say let’s start this again. And if I’m getting pushback then the consequences start.

If I get more attitude, I dock another 5 minutes, and another. And when heads cool down mine can ask to earn back the time with chores if they want.

But if I’m at 15 minutes and it’s escalating, I would assume there’s some underlying problem and change tactic (and so far I’ve never been wrong - bullying/ worries about an incident in school/ falling out with a friend)

One of mine can get themselves off devices, one can’t yet. I’m not great at regulating screens for myself.

We have a few minutes of one on one time every day (without siblings interrupting) and regardless of what’s going on I tell my dc that I love them first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

It’s a tough phase of parenting so give yourself grace. I don’t think the aim is to have a perfectly obedient child. The end goal is emotionally regulated adult. You’re holding the standards high and it sounds like you’re on the right track,

My ds have all been like this - ds3 in particular. I try and be very clear on my expectations of how they speak to me but also try and 'pick my battles'. I find it is a tightrope which is harder to navigate when I am tired or busy.

I also try and have clear expectations and consequences - e.g. you have until 5pm to do the dishwasher- if it is not done then xxx. Currently my negative consequence is a 'fine' as that seems to be motivating.

I actually have found the year 7 / year 8 period the trickiest and they seem to settle down in year 9 onwards.

Thank you for all your advice. His school held a workshop this week to support parents who have difficulties. I was very honest and they told me not to focus too much on his tone and attitude, and basically lower my expectations. Seems simple but i was just struggling to parent even though I knew how i should.

I do have mental health issues and i think i am projecting my stresses. So ive decided to seek help for that and hope it puts it into a new perspective.

Thank you again.

Sounds like you need to appreciate him more.