Son growing up, I’m not coping

[Leo1898]

I don’t really know if this is the right place or not, I’m just a bit stuck. I’m a 40M with a 10 year old son. I split from his mum when he was 2 and since then I have enjoyed filling both parent roles when he’s with me, which is half the week, every week.

His Mum has more children, and even though I’ve remarried he’s my only child. We’ve always been best buddies as well as Father/Son and we still are (I coach his sports teams and things like that). I’m a big part of his life and have a good relationship with his Mum and her other children, I’m in daily contact with all.

I’m just struggling with him not needing me as much anymore. In the 8 years since I split with his Mum I’ve given him all my attention whenever he’s with me, I spend all my time with him but now that he’s naturally branching out on his own I feel more and more like a spare part. I love that he has friends and is a popular boy, I just really struggle with him needing my attention less and less as the days go by. From the moment he was born I didn’t want to be anything else other than his dad and I know I’ve painted myself into a corner emotionally.

I’m not displaying my upset in front of him obviously and I’m always there and positive when he needs me, but sometimes when he’s gone to sleep (like now) I really struggle. My wife is brilliant with him, but she’s never had children of her own so openly admits that there’s a disconnect.

Does it get easier?

Does it get easier? Not really! But I think you learn to adjust and realise they need you in a different way than before. You will always be his dad.

This is the time where you have to start finding other things to define you.
Hobbies, friends etc
He will need you in a different way over the next 10 years but you can’t rely on him to be your reason for everything.
my youngest Dd is just 10 and it’s sad that my little girls are gone but I actively try not to wallow. I try and focus on how much fun she is now, how rewarding this new relationship with her is and look forward to seeing how she changes and what she achieves.
Find some new focus for your own well being.

He still absolutely needs you but in ways that will gradually change over the next few years. No, he won't want your company in quite the same way, but you can still take pleasure in seeing him mature and turn into a teenager, then a young adult. It would be far worse to see him unable to take those steps to maturity. The purpose is parenting is to grow an independent adult.

Be proud of his achievements and look for other ways to enrich your own life. Personally I enjoyed seeing mine become more independent, and having more time to do things away from them.

You sound like a fantastic Dad.
Your son will always need you, just in a different way. And you will need him too. The relationship will just change. One day you will be able to advise him on the subjects he should pick for his GCSEs, help him learn to drive, be there for him when he has his first relationship break up, go for a pint in the pub, and in general, just be an excellent male role model to him. All of this is still 'needing you', just in a more mature way.

You sound like a wonderful dad

You need to find something to fill that hole. A new hobby? Work? A new puppy? House project?

There is some great advice here. Would you be interested in doing something like mentoring teens who need a supportive adult in their life? There are organisations who do this.

You're a fabulous dad, you really are.

I think of these nurturing days in his young life as 'speculating to accumulate'. The effort you are putting in now (and have been over the years) will pay off in the long term and will be evident in the amazing grown-up relationship that you will have with him.

I'm lucky that I have young kids (9 year old
Twins) and young adult children and I can see it in reality. I have amazing relationships with my older 'kids' AND my younger ones, although the Relationships are very different.
The older ones tell me their secrets, they come for advice, we have such a laugh together; they trust me and that is everything to me.

Fill your time without him with experiences you can tell him about. Don't be the lonely dad that he has to worry about and take on a parenting role, But let him know that you are always there for him.

It's a tightrope, but walk it for him and for you. You're doing a great job and it will come to fruition, I bet!

I really felt like this last year. I’m a single parent to my DD and, like you, have focused everything on her. I was really emotional about if for a few months (not in front of her obviously) but it’s just another stage and now I appreciate the quality time we have together even more.

My DD does a lot with her friends now (14) and enjoys time to herself but we still have a lovely relationship and I’m sure you will too. It just takes a bit of time to get your head around how things are changing.

Alot of my friends don’t feel the same and are looking forward to more freedom so I felt a bit alone with it honestly!

Hold on to the fact that as an adult, he may well want to actively spend more time with you again. He might not need you in the same way, but I think as adults we are confronted with the realisation our parents are mortal, and that everything that annoyed us about them from teen years were actually...not that bad ;)

Things will change, but the different can still be brilliant:!

My daughter is turning thirteen next week and I miss her. I used to be the centre of her world and we did everything together. She now sits in her room talking to her friends - but I still have times when we go out together, shopping, lunch, cinema and do movie evenings at home. We have a close relationship and she still talks to me and tells me if anything is wrong in her life. She had an awful issue last year and was self harming but thankfully was open with me. I am just hoping that the early years have built the foundations for a strong relationship through the teenage years. I hug her and tell her I love her every day (and I still get an I love you at the moment).

It is hard OP but you must let your boy move forward in life. Be glad he has friends and interests.

I feel the same. I have 3 children but my eldest 2 are adults now and have their own lives.

My youngest is 15 and I'm so aware she'll be flying the nest too. I miss the early years. I miss so much the times when all 3 were children and we spent all our time together.

I don't really know what to say to you, but when I joked with my youngest about how I forbid her to grow up and get her own life she pointed out I still have the dog and maybe I should get another puppy. It's hard though, I feel the same as you.

We need to make our own lives though, hard as it is, that don't revolve around our growing children.

What a lucky boy to have a dad like you!! He will always need you, the ways he will need you just changes as he gets older.

Whatever you do, don't listen to Slipping Through my Fingers by Abba! Possibly not your first choice of song, but you are not alone!

He will really, really still need you, it will just be at 1030 at night to talk through what he needs to revise for tomorrow. Or whatever else comes up. It will still be really important and the other advice here is good.

Well done you.

My ds is 19, I have been on my own with him since he was 6, he is in a relationship & living with his partner. I thought he would be living at home for at least a few more years, I was really happy when he decided he wasn't going to university, I feel I have been robbed of the time I should have with him.

Gently, he's an adult and you should be pleased that you've raised someone who is strong and independent. Maybe now it's time for you to do more for yourself.

Thank you for the advice folks, I genuinely appreciate it, just found myself really struggling last night. I couldn’t be prouder of the young man he’s growing into, I just need to adapt better as he grows.

Hi OP, just chining in with the consensus of how nice it is to hear your love for your boy - he's lucky to have you!

I have a friend from university who is now a child and teen psychologist. She broke it down for me once, with the different ages and stages of what the child needs from the parent, and it was something (roughly) like this:

0-2 years - child mainly needs the parent for security and comfort
2-5 years - child mainly needs the parent for supporting initial social interactions, sharing, being gentle not hitting, etc; and emotional regulation
5-10 years - child needs the parent to support gaining new skills, confidence; reading, writing, sports, etc; and resilience - how to accept frequent failure as part of the learning process, without shame
10-15 years - child/teen needs the parent to support learning to navigate complex relationships, learning self-motivation, and more resilience - this time with greater complexity and higher stakes
15-21 years - young person (child) needs the parent to support their complete individuation and independence, and to model successful qualities of adulthood

(For what it's worth, I talk a lot with my boys about resilience, not using that term but saying: 'ooops, made a mistake there! That's good, now I can learn to do it better next time. We can't learn unless we make lots of mistakes, can we?' And I think it helps them to shrug it off in class or in sports club when they mess something up, rather than withering or being mortified.)

When she listed it like that I found it really useful, partly to see how fast it all goes (!) but also to see where I can put my focus in being a good parent to my child at different stages.

It sounds to me like part of what PP's have said, about you finding other hobbies/activities to fill some time and then discuss with your boy, would be part of you modelling to him what 'successful adulthood' looks like. Maybe you could think about some new sports/mentoring/creative outlets for you from that perspective - what do you want your son to grow up with as an example?

Not sure if this is any help but just in case... :) Wish you all the best.

OP I've struggled/still am struggling with this.
I've got 2 x older dc and 2 x younger. Older 2 I did struggle but also was distracted as had younger 2.
Now they are growing up,one teen and one preteen. Im finding it very hard. As someone else posted, friends seem glad to have more freedom, so I'm very much the minority.
We still do stuff as a family and play games, meals, cinemas etc
But God how my heart aches for those early years or even 4 or 5 years ago. I miss primary school!!!!

My son is 16.5 and in the middle of his GCSEs. The huge and very stressful change in him came for me in August 2022. He started hanging around with a group of girls and then suddenly wouldn't come home at the times I asked him to. I have been completely stressed out ever since. He rarely comes home when I ask, he is always pushing the boundaries. If I give him an inch he takes a mile. He has no respect for me and doesn't seem to care how what he does, makes me feel so upset. He has gone downhill with his school work and barely revises for his exams. He only cares about going out for as long as he can any day. However long he is out is never enough for him. He has ADHD and I know he has sampled taking the small gas can things nitrous oxide because I took his phone off him and saw him telling his friend about it.
He was beaten up by a gang of youths about a month ago. I know he is hanging around in dodgy places with dodgy kids.
I am so stressed and worried he is going to go down the wrong path in life, I can see it coming. I've been through it so I know it I have ADHD too but only diagnosed about 3 years ago, he was diagnosed at 10 years old. He only takes hi medication for school to focus I think he should take it all the time now but he won't. I'm so scared, stressed depressed, and worried about him and I don't know what to do. He just says sorry all the time for his behavior but rarely tries to change it.
I feel like I'm not helping him the best I could because I take it all so personally and feel so upset by it all. I know he needs a more stable mother and father at this time in his life. I'm not with his dad since my son was 1. His dad has no parental rules or discipline whatsoever and is just selfish and doesn't care or support our son's needs at all. he has done nothing but goes against all the positive things I've tried to do all my son's life. My son now favours him.
I'm so distraught and upset. I'm going to lose my son one way or another and I'm scared.
Just need help really or advice, feel lost as a person and quite broken.
Carry