Year 7 son struggling to make friends

[NeedSleepNow]

My son is in year 7 and is finding things very hard at the moment. He moved up to secondary with a good friend from primary and he had a great first few weeks. They walked to school together and hung out together after school at one of their houses. He was so happy.

His friend has now branched out and made a good group of other friends at school and my son has really taken this to heart, feeling like he has been ditched by his friend and they now barely talk. He said he feels like an add on, not fitting in with any group and people have said a few unkind things to him at school and removed him from chat groups.

My son has never found it easy to make friends, he can be a bit silly and play the fool to try to get attention if he is nervous or doesn't really know what to say which puts a lot of people off. He worries about inviting people over or out at the weekend for fear of them saying no and feeling rejected, he takes things personally as he is very sensitive.

I really don't know what to do to help him. I've encouraged him to join clubs at school to meet people in other forms and year groups but he is reluctant to give it a try, he has stopped most of his out of school clubs and has little interest in doing things other than playing on the computer or reading at the moment as he is so unhappy.

On top of this, his dad and I separated last year and DS had found it difficult. His relationship with his dad is bad and has been for a long time (emotional abuse has been a factor), DS does not want to see his Dad but is expected by his Dad to stay every other weekend and DS comes home tired and overly emotional, taking days to get back in to routine and to settle.

Today he told me he feels there is nothing good in life, he hates his Dad and has no friends. My heart aches for him, as a mother I just want to make everything better and help him but I don't know how. He is such a kind and sensitive boy but he just can't seem to find where he fits at school at the moment.

Had anyone else had a son or daughter with similar issues at the start of secondary? I would be so grateful for any advice please as I am really struggling with how to help him at the moment.

What are his interests?

He's still really struggling with friends at school. One minute he's settled and then the next someone is being unkind and he's in tears at home again as he feels he has no friends, doesn't fit in, no one understands him...

It’s so hard !! I often feel that parents whose kids have a good group of friends take it for granted. My son comes across as confident but definitely isn’t on the inside. Like your son, he’s frightened of being rejected. He used to play year 7 football but stopped as he didn’t feel as good as the others. People advise you to get them into group where they’ll meet new people but when they lack confidence it’s very hard to force a 12/13 year old into it. They’re not babies anymore. Sadly , I think they have to find their own way with our support obviously. Have you spoken to the school about people being mean to him because that really is unacceptable! Xx

So sorry to hear this!! I really hope things change for both of boys sooner rather than later!! Sending lots of love xx

I have spoken to the school and they have talked to him but unfortunately he won't tell the school much as he is scared of getting people into trouble.

Yes it's so hard to get them to meet new people at this age. I have encouraged him to join various groups clubs at school and outside but he is not keen. The few he has been to recently, he declared after a week or two that it is not for him and he won't go again.

Hi there - I've just been searching mumsnet for some advice and feel like OP could have been writing about my son!

He's also in year 7, has watched his primary friends grow away from him, and has been struggling to make any new friends at all. He says he's picked on, and is possibly not helping himself at school as his social instincts are not always good (we suspect he may be on the spectrum). He feels so lonely and doesn't understand why he can't make friends and 'attracts the wrong sort of attention' (mean kids).

I've tried all sorts of clubs, will keep trying more. I'm just feeling a bit heartbroken tonight after watching him sob about his old friends 'replacing' him, and hoping for some reassurance, and also sending out a bit of love to the other mums and kids going through this. It's so sad.

I'm so sorry that you and your son are going are through the same sort of thing, It's heartbreaking isn't it.

I just keep trying to encourage my son to try new things and meet new people and I'm a shoulder to cry on when he's had a hard day and feels so lonely.

Thanks @NeedSleepNow . It's totally heartbreaking, and I'm finding it hard not to be consumed by worry about him. I really hope our boys can find a buddy soon, even one or two would be amazing. In the meantime, it's great to be able to come on here and find/support others who are in a similar boat. Parents whose kids have friends have no idea what this is like!

@Lauren1000 has she read the book Friends: making and keeping them?

Hi I’m so sorry OP - this was me on year 8 when my BFF moved to Scotland and I was just edged out of every group I tried to join. It is a horrible time and it can spiral down for years. The added problems with his dad are a dark context that I didn’t have and I think probably at the very heart of his self esteem issues.

What rescued me was music. I learned an instrument and found my people. It’s very mindful and once you are good enough to play in ensembles it is sociable -I made friends in and out of school that lasted way past my uni years.

Find his thing, whether it’s sport or music or drama - if you can afford it - and he will find some hope to cling onto.

I do agree with climbing and martial arts. My dd does both and they are very inclusive. For climbing: opt for bouldering not roped climbing as it is much more sociable in my dd experience. A NIBAS 1 course would be ideal if he’s a new climber - ask the climbing centre to get him in a class with people his age not older teens. He will build great muscle tone too, if he stick with it and does all the exercise you need (strong core, strong everything!). Or if you’ve got cash to burn and a centre nearby, kayaking or sailing? Also fun in groups.

No problem

A Mighty Girl is really useful for this type of thing, they have a whole selection of age appropriate books on friendships.

Does your DD struggle with anything else or is it just the friendships?

Also I meant to say: screw the homework. His grades are less important than his MH. Take it from someone who got amazing grades but was a very lonely young person from Year 8 to Year 10. It is a long, long prison sentence when you’re stuck at a school feeling absolutely dreadful, day in, day out.

I've been trying to get him to join a few groups/activities but he is very reluctant. He doesn't like swimming/the sea/water so that rules out canoeing, sailying, kayaking etc, I suggested rock climbing as I used to enjoy that when younger but he tried it on a school trip recently but he said he wasn't good at it as he was too heavy and not very strong (he is very down about his appearance at the moment, since starting secondary school he has made very bad food choices at school and does very little exercise anymore so has put on a bit of weight. I think partly it is comfort eating as he is feeling so unhappy), he isn't interested in learning a musical instrument. He quite likes chess (although isn't so keen now after losing in a tournament he entered), photography and archery so I will encourage him to keep going with those. He has had a few trips out with a boy from his class this holiday but I think it is fine when there is no one else with them, but once they are back at school with the wider group of boys I have a feeling they will go back to getting on but not being friends.

Another parent here with similar DC. These holidays have been really hard - not much in the way of organised activities on offer, so there's been a lot of screen time & telling us he's bored!

A few friends from primary school he's met up with (I can count the times on one hand). He does music but doesn't want to practice in the holidays and no organised stuff until school starts. He does rock climbing with his dad but doesn't make friends there.

I'm really hoping that y8 is better friends-wise, but no idea what more I can do to help him.

I know it is not popular opinion but my life always has been : concentrate on what you like and want to do , do it , no matter alone or in a group and eventually some friends just appear. I had many great friends over the years until I have none now....i do have genuinely warm people who love me and think good for me but it is cafe and drinks types , everybody is married and having many kids or grandkids and already their kids play with other kids so ....I teach the same to my daughter....be the genuine you and see what happens. I do not wait for invites, we are always on the go doing things together, she and me do not even have time left for thinking who else will fit our schedule....

it is not cafe and drinks. I do not have pals who see me for coffee or drinks but I do have great authentic, genuinely lovely and moral humans who will be there for me when I would genuinely need it

OP if your DS is academically able there may be bursaries to private schools for year 9. My shy DS went to one on bursary from year 7. It had compulsory but huge range of after school clubs which ran across year groups and also Sat morning school. Smaller classes really helped him. He wasn’t bothered about socialising outside of school as he was there a lot of extra hours anyway. He only started going out with mates late teens. Socialising for boys is often just playing games online before then. They also had little homework compared to state schools as much more lesson time. I know it’s not an option for everyone but I thought getting a bursary would be impossible and DS ended up being offered 3. His underlying quiet personality hasn’t changed but he’s always had a group of friends and he also gained confidence with things like public speaking which frankly he wouldn’t in a big class / school where he could have hidden and avoided ever volunteering for anything. I think a lot of introverts hate school. I didn’t really find my group until uni.

I think building his confidence is probably key to his happiness. Not wanting to do things he isn't immediately great at and not liking chess anymore because he lost could show a fear of failure and being humiliated. That can be paralyzing if the fear is strong. If his father has been emotionally abusing him it could well be tied in with that. I think non competitive sport and activities with a low possibility of 'failure', safe activities, would be very beneficial to him.

I really hope he starts to feel happy and safe as his confidence grows. He will naturally make friends as he builds his confidence.

Yes I think his lack of confidence is a big issue. His Dad absolutely destroyed his confidence when he was younger and he still affects it now, he is a very negative person.

DS is absolutely worried about failing and what others will think. I think this is why he likes photography and archery as they aren't team activities so I will encourage him to persist with both of these. He loves reading too, I think it is an escape for him so I did suggest the local book club for teens but he was not keen!

Most other activities and sports he has tried and given up after a short while when something goes wrong or someone makes a comment to him about him not being good at it. He's tried drama, football, rugby, cycling, cubs, swimming, running... He did a lot at primary school but has given pretty much everything up since starting secondary. Since then he's become very unhappy, put on a lot of weight and although he would like to see people outside of school he usually won't ask them for fear of them saying no.

He is academically able, he was achieving very well at primary school and they suggested the 11+ to us early on, but said the standard is that kids should be tutored for 2 years beforehand. I had planned to do this but when the time arrived, things were very difficult at home, then lockdown happened and I didn't think tutoring would have been right for him at that point and I didn't think he could cope with the extra pressure he would put on himself (and that his Dad would have put on him). So he went to one of the local comprehensives and didn't try the 11+.

The school is not pushing him academically and he is bored and results are slipping. I have been in to see the school and raise concerns but not much seems to be changing. I've considered getting him tutoring this year and trying to get him in to the grammar school for year 9. We don't have a private school in the town we are in, the nearest is about 30 minutes away. I hadn't even thought about bursary places, I will look into it, thank you.

Hi all, just wondering if things have improved for your kids in yr 8. Sadly, I’m still waiting for my son to meet his tribe ( and so is he) . He seems to have friends but he says they don’t have a lot in common and sometimes it feels as though he has to walk on egg shells around them. Hope your kids have had a bit more luck 💙

Things have improved a little for my son. He has a few friends, they hang around in a small group at school but seem quite an unlikely mix without a huge amount in common so I'm not sure whether they will all stay friends. He did get invited to a birthday party recently, I could have cried when he told me, I was so happy for him and being included it really gave him a bit of a boost that he desperately needed.

I'm sorry your son feels like he is walking on egg shells at times. I hope he finds his tribe and is happier soon.