Year 7 son struggling to make friends

[NeedSleepNow]

My son is in year 7 and is finding things very hard at the moment. He moved up to secondary with a good friend from primary and he had a great first few weeks. They walked to school together and hung out together after school at one of their houses. He was so happy.

His friend has now branched out and made a good group of other friends at school and my son has really taken this to heart, feeling like he has been ditched by his friend and they now barely talk. He said he feels like an add on, not fitting in with any group and people have said a few unkind things to him at school and removed him from chat groups.

My son has never found it easy to make friends, he can be a bit silly and play the fool to try to get attention if he is nervous or doesn't really know what to say which puts a lot of people off. He worries about inviting people over or out at the weekend for fear of them saying no and feeling rejected, he takes things personally as he is very sensitive.

I really don't know what to do to help him. I've encouraged him to join clubs at school to meet people in other forms and year groups but he is reluctant to give it a try, he has stopped most of his out of school clubs and has little interest in doing things other than playing on the computer or reading at the moment as he is so unhappy.

On top of this, his dad and I separated last year and DS had found it difficult. His relationship with his dad is bad and has been for a long time (emotional abuse has been a factor), DS does not want to see his Dad but is expected by his Dad to stay every other weekend and DS comes home tired and overly emotional, taking days to get back in to routine and to settle.

Today he told me he feels there is nothing good in life, he hates his Dad and has no friends. My heart aches for him, as a mother I just want to make everything better and help him but I don't know how. He is such a kind and sensitive boy but he just can't seem to find where he fits at school at the moment.

Had anyone else had a son or daughter with similar issues at the start of secondary? I would be so grateful for any advice please as I am really struggling with how to help him at the moment.

Poor kid and poor you.
High school can be really rough. It can take a while to find friends and it's not unusual for there to be a few bumps in the road.
The extra stress of your split must be hard all round too.
Does he do any clubs outside of school?
Unfortunately you have to keep trying to find ways to connect or you get more isolated.
There will be other kids in exactly the same position. It will get easier eventually.
Clubs are a good way to do things alongside others without it feeling forced or weird. That way you get to know people more naturally.
School should have some lunchtime clubs that are for kids at a loose end - have a look online or contact their tutor or head of year for advice.

I don't think this situation is uncommon sadly I know I have had convos with my year7 DC about how friendships can change and it can feel like you are an outsider, but this is common because everyone is trying to find their feet. Reassure him that if he keeps his friendship friendly then his friend may well come back to him but in the meantime I agree after-school clubs or scouts or ask him if there is anyone he would like to hang out with at your house and get him to invite them round. It's tough seeing your child struggle, hope he finds some other avenue soon x

Thank you for your reply. He has tried a couple of lunchtime clubs but he gave up with the sports one as he felt he wasn't good enough to make the team. He then went to a games club but got there late and everyone was already busy playing chess, cards etc so there was no one to play against so he left. I remind him everyday of the clubs that are on and encourage him to give them another try.

Out of school he used to do a lot but some of the clubs stopped running after covid and he had a bad time at some of the others and stopped going. He now has so much homework that I don't know how we would find time to fit much in outside of school. The homework is another issue, he is doing well academically and has been put in the top sets at school but he is finding the amount of homework overwhelming.

I will keep looking for other clubs he could join outside if school. I would love to find something where he not only had the opportunity to make friends but also something that would build his confidence as his self esteem and confidence is so low at the moment.

Thank you. Unfortunately he doesn't even want to talk to his original friend now as he feels so betrayed and rejected. I keep suggesting that he just stays friendly with him, sends the odd text etc and things might go back to how they were or at least improve a little.

He doesn't want to invite anyone over unfortunately. He knows he can invite friends over after school or at weekends but he won't. I think that is partly the fear of being rejected so he feels it is easier not to ask than be disappointed by someone saying no.

Yes I get that, my DC went through a phase of not wanting to invite anyone over in previous school after divorce and part was not having to explain family setup to new people as they didn't want to have to verbalise the reality. His friend that was, he would have felt safe with. Cubs/Scouts has been great for mine building confidence and independence.

We tried Cubs but unfortunately he had a terrible time and wouldn't go back. I was thinking of something like drama or self defence to help build confidence maybe?

Yes I think the change in family set up could also explain why he is reluctant to invite people over. He has told me before that he avoids telling people that his parents are separated incase they make fun of him for it.

I remember finding it so hard to make friends at a similar age when I moved schools and to this day still remember some of the mean things other kids said to me. It's hard enough at this sort of age going through puberty and all the emotionally and physical changes that involves without friendship issues on top and then the minefield of social media & technology too.

Maybe look at some non competitive sports? Climbing, boxing? Cricket and rugby are often very friendly and accessible - possibly more so that football.
If cubs didn't work out, there are other groups. Woodcraft folk, cadets (from one end of the political spectrum to the other).
All three of my teens have said friendships in years 7-9 were pretty superficial and they really only found proper friends from yr9.
Drama actually sounds like a great idea. It's so tough to keep going when your esteem is fragile but keep encouraging him.

It is really hard isn't it.

We had a similar situation with DS for a while. I encouraged him to look for others in class who looked a bit lost too. Less chance of rejection and may well find a friend with a great personality, just quieter.

If he's interested, self defense or drama sound like good ideas.
Keeping encouraging him to try school clubs is also good.
I wonder if it's got to the point of contacting school and explaining his friend from primary has moved on, and he is struggling to find new friends. School may well be able to point him in the direction of a similarly minded child ho he hasn't yet met.

Thank you. I did think of boxing but don't know whether he would enjoy it, I don't know if he is tough enough for something like that, but maybe that's me worrying because I don't really like boxing. Climbing could be good, I used to enjoy climbing when I was a teenager and I imagine DS would enjoy it too and we do have a climbing centre here that has recently opened.

I've not heard of woodcraft folk before, I will Google that. I will look into cadets too. Thank you for the suggestions

Yes...ds1 struggled throughout years 7, 8 and most of year 9. He had very few friends after the move to comp, rarely went out after school etc. In our case it was also made worse by the obvious contrast with Ds2 (2 years younger) who's a total social butterfly with a big group of friends and was off to parties and events weekly. Ds1 definitely felt it although never made an issue of it.

The only thing I can suggest is clubs outside of school. Ds1 started basketball and it increased his confidence massively and things gradually improved. He's now in Y10 and this past summer started going out with a new group from another form and fingers crossed seems much happier.

Oh bless him. My son has always been on the edge of friendship groups so I feel your pain of wanting to make it better for him.

Definitely agree with a new activity to give him some focus. My son does karate and tennis, but also bouldering and LOVES IT! It's a combination of a physical sport with mental challenge so us perfect for him. The instructors are lovely young people really passionate about the sport too.

Look up Depot Climbing and see if there is one near you.

I know it’s easier said than done but he needs to give these clubs more than one chance. Say the lunchtime one, could he get there earlier so he’s got a better chance of finding someone to play a game with.

Thank you for all the great suggestions of activities. We do have a climbing centre nearby @yoshiblue so I will have a look into that for him, and I will also look into karate, judo, tennis and a few other possible activities.

I'm going to keep encouraging him to go back to some of the lunchtime clubs at school but I have a feeling he won't go again.

I really feel for you, we've had similar experiences with year 7. The thing that I had to remind myself is that it can be just fleeting. The same panic that I had when I couldn't feed properly or when my DS was clingy or when DD cried every day after Reception for months left me with the same worries. There is a feeling that unless you act now he will become completely isolated forever and this is not the case. The advice I would give is make sure you validate his feelings, I absolutely agree that we should encourage social activities but if he is experiencing anxiety in group settings at the moment I wouldn't push too hard.

It sounds like you have a close relationship, you know he is going through the ringer. Think about the times when you have felt like this, some times you just need a moment to get to grips with the changes. Friends are great but at this age new ones can come with judgement and uncertainty. Confidence building and acceptance is important, climbing is awesome and a great way to focus attention. Keep an eye on what he is viewing online. Do activities together for a bit (where possible with time/budget) With eveything that happened with covid, the hormones, going to secondary school and the change in your family situation changing he's is going to feel a bit 'at sea'

Don't be too hard on yourself, there isn't a manual for these things! 💐

My DC was the same in Year 7 hated it had no friends spent a lot of time very angry and upset. He was lucky he had a very understanding Year manager who would helped him find his group (started with finding him a lunch time job in library so he wasn't wondering around alone) and found someone to go to the lunch time STEM club with him, clubs help but going alone at first is hard. He then made a few good friends (never needed many) as the years went on his confidence grew and hes now at Uni loving life and making lots of friends.

So I'm sure with a bit of guidance and love your son will get there too with school and friends Year 7 a big change.

Unfortunately cant help re issues with your ex but could you perhaps discuss how Year 7 big change which leaves him very tired and so at a weekend he needs time to recharge his batteries. Again as time goes on I think this will settle too just in a really difficult phase at the moment.

I think the first term for them can be really tough. They've had all of these expectations about High School and are finding that things aren't often what they thought they'd be and their friends are changing.

DD moved away from most of her old friends and took a while to find her new friends. Actually now I coke tho think of it they both did

He does need to know that this is normal. Most of the children will be feeling a bit insecure as their friendships change. The key is though to keep trying things until he finds his new tribe. Without putting himself out there, however uncomfortable that feels, he runs the risk of making himself isolated.

I do think that some Counselling might help too. Especially given the emotional abuse by his F. Are school aware of the abuse and does he get any Pastoral support?

Is there a Child arrangements order in place saying that he has to see his F?

@PritiPatelsMaker No, there is no court order in place. We have only recently started mediation and agreed to try overnights at his dad's some weekends but it is not working well. DS hates staying there and says he hates his Dad (he often cries in the evenings to me about his relationship with his Dad). I wanted to be seen to be trying the overnights that we discussed at mediation but it is clear to me if it continues it is purely for his Dad's benefit not DS's. His Dad will not listen though, he never does. He refuses to acknowledge his DS feels and asdumes I am feeding him lies and am pandering to him not wanting to go. I find it really hard to stand up to ex too, he is very intimidating and can be a real bully.

School aren't aware of the situation. His primary school were but I haven't spoken to his new school.

Ok so I think you need some legal advice. Please speak to Rights of Women about what your rights are and what your DS's rights are.

I'd also speak to Women's Aid. It's clear that your Ex is abusive and you may need support navigating dealing with him. A Restraining Order sounds like a good start. This will also help if he applies for a Child Arrangements Order.

I'd tell the school that DS is struggling and what your Ex is like too. It's clearly affecting him.

Could you ring Rights of Women and Women's Aid and then speak to your DS about what he wants. Being in fear of his DF is no reason to see him.

Contact school. They will help with his social skills.

My solicitor had suggested she sends him letters about harassment etc but I'm hesitant to do that, I suppose because I'm scared of his reaction and worry that he will then try to get 50/50 contact with the children (as a way to get back at me) which I think would be disastrous for them. I haven't spoken with women's aid or rights of women, I will look into wishing to them this week, thank you.

Thank you, I will email his head of year and form tutor.

You don't need Solicitors Letters, you need a Restraining Order. Then, if he does apply for a Child Arrangements Order, the Couet can see that there's been abuse.

Also, your DS' wishes should be taken into consideration at this age.

Im not legally trained though so please do speak to Women's Aid and Rights of Women.

Thank you, I will give them a call tomorrow

Hi hun,

just wondered how your son is getting on! My son is also year 7 and struggling to find his tribe. He has friends but they have different interests so he is increasingly feeling left out. Hope your son is doing better 😘😘