DD11 behaviour, what am I doing wrong?

[yummygummy1]

I am really struggling with my DD11's behaviour. She's a lovely girl and bright student but when she doesn't get what she wants she seems to turn into a little monster. Some examples of behaviour; she hurt her little sister when they had an argument so I told them both no screen time for the rest of the day (I applied to both because they both let the fight turn physical). That got her quite angry but we managed to turn things around and had a nice day. Then in evening while we are playing a boardgame she lists out all the good things she's done and that she really deserves a little tv before bed. I stick to my guns and say no let's finish the game and then it's bedtime, but if you keep it up you can have tv time tomorrow. She gets incredibly angry, swipes the boardgame. I then tell her to go brush her teeth and go to bed. She refuses and stays on her chair sulking. I end up saying for every minute you are still sitting there I will deduct 50p from your pocket money so she lost £1.50 before stomping off and slamming her door. The other day she came to my room in the morning crying saying she is missing her dad and she doesn't want to go to school. Her dad was emotionally abusive to me and only sees the children once a month. I feel incredibly bad for her and let her stay home for the day. I then hear from my youngest that DD11 told her first thing in the morning she doesn't want to go to school and she's going to fake a tummy ache. Obviously she changed the story but I think I was manipulated into letting her have the day off.

Where am I going wrong? We have the most amazing days together too and I love her to bits, would do anything for her. I don't know if I am being a bit of a doormat and she's observed the way her dad treated me or maybe I'm making things bigger than they are and these arent unusual emotions for an 11 year old? 😩help?

Is she struggling with getting a bit older & more aware of others having df's around whilst she doesn't?

Just wondering if this is more about needing care & love & reassurance rather than hard line discipline?

Best of luck op xx

When my dd turned 11 she took her anger / hormones / crazy pre teen stress out on her younger sister. She's 13 next year and they are both nightmares.

@Iizzyb yea it's been such a big year with the situation with dad and then starting secondary, I honestly have tried giving her extra attention, one on one time and patience. I don't think I have ever been one for hard line discipline and I actually thought I should start being a bit more consistent on seeing through consequences for bad behaviour, but I honestly don't know anymore.

@ahunf thanks for sharing your experience. Yes, I think there is a lot of taking emotions out on sister and myself. Her sister so far is very sweet and understanding, I hope it stays that way - I couldn't cope with both acting out! 😮how do you stay sane?

The 10 year old is feistier than the 12. I don't stay sane. I'm autistic and have anxiety. There dads been away since august but they are better when he's here.

I actually thought I should start being a bit more consistent on seeing through consequences for bad behaviour, but I honestly don't know anymore

This bit jumped out at me. If you’re not consistent then absolutely you need to although it doesn’t always have to be strict punishments. Have boundaries and stick to them yes. Try not to mix up feeling guilty for what’s happening and not dealing with bad behaviour.
how much screen time is she getting? I would keep an eye on that too.

@Believeitornot thank you. I think I set a consequence but then remove it early if I see good behaviour again. I will try being more consistent with that. I do feel incredibly guilty so I will try not to let that cloud my judgment. Thanks for the suggestions x

@ahunf I'm really sorry that sounds so tough X

I don't think you are doing anything wrong, you are applying consequences in a fair and measured way. She is 11 and will have hormones going crazy and is at the age where she is trying to test out her skills in manipulation. Just keep doing what you are doing. She won't be like it forever.

I think you were wrong to let her have the day off school for missing her dad. It demonstrates you don't have firm boundaries and you don't value school.

I think I would talk through why she might be having such extreme reactions to things - could it be hormone driven? Validate her feelings of frustration and being unfairly treated. They are feelings everyone has but she needs to change how she responds to them. I would give her some strategies to help calm her down. We talk a lot about trying to be in the "green zone", "yellow zone" and "red zone". Being in the red zone is when your emotion is having a detrimental impact on those around you. We talk about what we should do when we feel ourselves in the yellow zone, sometimes we are not there for very long so we need to act quickly. Mostly it involves walking away from the situation and doing something else, drawing, writing a letter to the person who has upset you, screaming into a pillow etc. it's taking a while but we are starting to see a difference.

i wouldn’t let DD have a day off school - when she goes back her friends will have changed allegiances. Then if she feels left out more likelihood of wanting more time off.

Ffs don't invent problems! Not helpful.

OP it's hard. I sympathise. Hormones are kicking in. Currently giving my 10yr old LOTS of supports and reassurance. He's really anxious and quite prone to outbursts. We are working through it with school support.

Has she just started secondary? First term of Y7 is particularly exhausting combined with changes in home life, and potential hormones. I've got 13 and 10 year old Dds and they both seem exhausted at the moment - also constant bickering with each other and toddler type tantrums in the evening. It's a rollercoaster.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong - maybe she genuinely didn't want to admit to her sister she was upset about Dad so made something up to seem cool.

How's she feel about school and friends? Sometimes when mine are kicking off, it's because something bad has happened in their friendship group and they've been bottling it up. Other times they're just irrational tweens! So hard to navigate.

@Stokey thank you. Yes she's Y7 and I think she's found it pretty tough navigating friendships so you could be onto something there. I'll explore that a bit more.

Thank you all so much for your kind responses, you've given me some good suggestions and reassurance 😊