Help with daughter refusing to attend school

[Heysham1]

My daughter started secondary school this September and turned 12 early the same month (just for context, that she is one of the oldest in the year group).

She suffered from anxiety during year 5 and 6 at primary school and she received free local counselling, which helped with her issues and she finished primary school a far more confident child.

The issues started again during the summer holidays (anxiety, stress about buying uniform etc) - to the point that I couldn't even mention secondary school.
We were due to have some counselling during the summer break, but due to local funding being cut, this didn't happen.

This term, she has attended school 3 times.

The school have been very helpful (meetings, quiet rooms, change of timetable etc), but she cannot seem to physically enter the school grounds.
I have found a local counsellor and have had 2 sessions with her so far. She thinks that the anxiety is deeper that 'school refusal', but as it's early days, we haven't made much progress with this.

I have my own small business, so have to work between 9am and 3pm each day, plus I have two other children.
My daughter is at home most of the day with my elderly mother and her stepdad (my husband) - she doesn't get much communication/attention from either of them! Therefore, I try to pop home during the day and have employed someone ad-hoc to try to be at home more.

I use BBC bitesize/Bedrock/Hegarty maths etc to try to keep up with schooling (about 2.5 hours each day - spread over the whole day).

Could I be doing any more? More counselling?
More homework? Better strategy?
I try to get her go into the school grounds about 3 times a week - but it's like she hits a wall.
Do I admit defeat for year 7 and keep her at home?

Any advice from other parents with similar stories would be welcome!

Sorry you are going through this. We are going through same thing, dont have any advice but I have found 'not fine in school' and 'parenting mental health' Facebook groups an absolute lifeline. Hope things get better soon.

This happened to my daughter. Your story resonates with me. The words 'she can't enter the school grounds' is significant. This means this is not simply 'a bit anxious about school'. This is the start of agoraphobia and panic disorder. You need a CAHMS psychiatrist and you need to get the school to call in an educational psychologist who will listen and say if this is merely school refusal.

My daughter was not able to attend school for her GCSEs. She's now at an online independent school doing her A levels. She started Sertraline and is now able to access more places but please take this very very seriously. A bit of CAHMS counselling is not enough.

If your child is too ill (including mental health) to attend school for more than 14 days, ask school to refer you to the Out of School Service. They will provide a tutor (around here it's for two half days a week), and links to software etc so that she can keep up with work until such a time as she's well enough to return to school. It may only be in certain subjects, but it certainly helps. We were told the referral usually had to come from CAMHS but the waiting lists were so long, school were able to refer.

For example, this is the link to our local service www.derbyshire.gov.uk/education/schools/attendance-behaviour-welfare/support/out-of-school-tuition-service/out-of-school-tuition.aspx

Have you seen a GP and asked for a referral to CAMHS? Have you considered she might be neurodiverse? Anxiety and difficulties attending school are common when there is autism and the change from primary to secondary is often the time when children can no longer hold it together. Girls present differently to boys and so explore ASD and girls specifically.

Contact your school nurse and get things moving there.

@brendabourbon I'm in Derbyshire too, the school sounds incredibly supportive and certainly wasn't my experience. Under section 19 it is the LA's responsibility to make educational provision after fifteen days (from LGO report Out of School Out of Mind) for any child unable to attend school whether because of illness exclusion or otherwise so OP should write to LA to remind them of their statutory duty. Dd did get OOST and later NT&AS but it took a formal complaint and LA paid around £2k in compensation for failing to make timely provision.

Thank-you for all the messages - some great advice. CAHMS has a long waiting list (as in most areas, I assume), hence me choosing a private counsellor.
To the poster who mentioned autism/ASD - it has crossed my mind - she has always been a very 'highly-strung' child - doing well academically, but difficult at home. She has strong opinions on everything - but can suddenly 'shut-down' if things aren't going her way - she will look away and not interact with me or her body will 'freeze' (eg - when having to enter a room with people she doesn't know).I'll certainly look into that further.

My daughter is struggling too. It's built up from Y7. She struggles with feeling safe. It's a really lovely school and the staff have been so supportive. She's managed to get in a few days each week and does some lessons in a different part of the school, not in the classroom. She's on the waiting list for Cahms etc.
It's awful.
You're lucky that she will do work with you. My DD won't!
Is there somewhere other than the classrooms that she can be. I know that helped DD.
DD has recently been allowed to have a TA in the classroom for emotional support if she asks. She isn't needed in any other way but the fact she's there means the kids behave better and DD feels safe in the lesson.

Thanks for your message. The school have a nurture room, which sounds lovely, but she won't even enter the school grounds to go into it and I can't accompany her (not that she would want me to!). I've emailed the school today and told she won't be attending school for the foreseeable, and I'll keep going with the home study where possible.
Thanks for your support, you can feel very alone when this happens. Good luck with your situation, one day it will be in the distant past!

Sunshine Support (based in Derbyshire) have an excellent webinar on emotionally based school avoidance

Panic attacks can often be the cause, very common this age. My son is HE due to this and doing well after a period of deschooling. He did very well in his exams and much better now mentally. YouTube has a wealth of information on HE and some great educational tutorials. Buy revision books as print out previous exam papers, work on mental health as a priority . Calms were not much help, my son found his own way, an sure your daughter will too.

And print out, not as print out.

@Heysham1 thanks. I have the thing at the moment with her when she'll go two days in a row then the next day we can't even get her out of bed. It makes you feel awful in yourself, like you're an awful mother.
I really do hope things work out for them!

Gosh OP I have nothing to add I'm afraid as no experience with my own children. I have, however, experienced agrophobia and panic disorder myself. Counselling did nothing but proper CBT changed my life. You can get it through camhs but yes huge wait. I'd ditch the counselling and pay for a private CBT therapist instead. Standard is 6-12 sessions. Alternatively we have iCope here in Surrey which you can self refer to for sessions. Look it up as there may be similar where you are.

Don't withdraw her from school. All the time she's on school roll then they are responsible for her. The minute you withdraw her, the LA aren't responsible.

DD2 rumbled through school anxiety for years. She has ASD, referred in year 5, diagnosed in year 7. We've finally got her an EHCP and a specialist school place in year 11.

You could apply for an Education Health and Care Needs Assessment. If agreed, they would commission educational psychology as part of the assessment process.

We had to secure a private ASD diagnosis after limping through yr 4-5-6, she’s now in year7 and with support in terms of sensory breaks, time out card, quiet club and loves learning the piano is coping in school but we still get really tough times.
Do look at pda society uk as well useful parenting advice around how to communicate. I’d be wary of CBT if there’s a chance autism is in play as it can be unhelpful.
Your daughter may like reading The books by Libby Scott (‘can you see me’, is one) there’s 3 written in diary style about a ASD girl in school in years 5-8, my daughter really enjoyed them and they helped her.

I agree with Lougle, don’t withdraw DD. Parents often find it easier to get support when their DC remains on the school’s roll even if they can’t attend, essentially you are someone’s ‘problem’. Whereas, if you EHE the LA will say you are making suitable alternative arrangements and they are relieved of their duties.

If DD can’t attend school the LA have a duty to provide a suitable, full time education. This should have begun once it was clear DD would miss 15 days. The days don’t need to have already been missed or be consecutive. If the LA won’t you can force them to. In addition, apply for an EHCNA, IPSEA have a model letter you can use on their website.

Another recommendation for 'not fine in school' they have a website too.
My DD had great difficulties from Yr 8. She had been bullied and developed selective mutism. She freezes.
My daughter couldn't engage online. We moved schools a number of times. A bit like goldy locks the third one was just right. Talk to your daughter and really listen. I wish I had stopped and listened more.

What Lougle and Thatsnotmycarsaid.

Do not deregister as you won't get support.

Apply for an EHCNA using the template on Ipsea - www.ipsea.org.uk/making-a-request-for-an-ehc-needs-assessment

If she's had more than 15 days of absence in total (doesn't have to be consecutive) then she is entitled to Alternative Provision, it is the LA not the school that is responsible for this so you should contact the LA.

Lots of us have been in the same position, there is support there but you need to fight for it.

The other thing that I would point out is that the term school 'refusal' is quite unhelpful as it implies choice. If you're at this stage it's not a choice she can't go because her anxiety is preventing her from being there. Some prefer Emotional Based School Avoidance.

If you haven't already get on the CAMHS waiting list especially if you think autism might be an undiagnosed issue or speak to your GP about how to get referred for assessment as I know some areas have different pathways.

Good luck.