12yo Daughter and HS friends

[Izbizbiz]

My 12yo daughter attended a really small primary school. Had a BF who left in the penultimate year, meaningfully she was left without a close friendship group.
there were other girls that were including her and we were including them in party invites etc.
since starting HS in aug, she’s not been invited to 3 parties and is feeling really left out. She’s getting the school bus with them and they are going home together. She’s asking them around and trying to be involved but they are always busy then she finds out they have been together. She’s made some new friends but they aren’t including her either, not available and don’t seem to want to be involved with her yet. Tbh, there’s been some really worrying things that she’s telling me they are doing and I’d rather she wasn’t friends with them so I’m trying to explain that this is an opportunity to meet new people or to reconnect with some primary friends.
at this poin, I’d just welcome anyone because she’s so upset.
she quit girl guides and doesn’t do any clubs. She isn’t sporty at all. She’s not wanting to do any curricular activities. I’ve suggested loads. Her brother does loads.

im really worried about her and don’t know what to do.
she just sits on tiktok stalking these girls that aren’t interested in her and gets upset at not being included or reads constantly.

She scoffs at the group of girls with similar interests as being ‘goody two-shoes’ and doesn’t want to associate with them.
it’s like she’s finding herself and im personally worried she’s losing her wee self and trying to be something she’s not, whilst cutting out those who did have time for her.

i don’t know if she’s behaving differently at school and the old friends are annoyed at her. The mums aren’t getting involved as much and just say things like - they don’t do much or - get her to message x when I invite them but they don’t show up

what do I do?

I think she really needs hobbies where she meets like minded girls who like reading. Can she not try anime drawing, creative writing, coding, musical theatre/singing, even an instrument etc. maybe guitar? Keep trying to find her a hobby.
Our teens are good because they don’t have time to hang out with trouble makers, they have loads of extra curricular interests and so do all their friends.

She won’t do anything. I’ve looked at school, I’ve suggested clubs at school, locally in centres, asked other parents. She’s not interested. Genuinely.

Is she in year 7 or 8? If year 7 it's early days.

She just sits on tiktok stalking these girls that aren’t interested in her and gets upset at not being included or reads constantly.

This bit sounds very unhealthy and I would put a stop to it. Mine are not allowed on Tiktok, it's such a shitty inane platform, eating away at children's headspace and eroding their ability to focus. I'm sure there social media can cause proper mental health problems, even more so if she hasn't got any positive and exciting real-life experiences. Could she be a bit depressed?

we are in Scotland so she’s just started her 8th year. We start nursery at 3-5. Primary school at 5 -12 (7 years at primary) then4-6 years in high school.

My daughter is nearly 16 and i dont allow tiktok or snapchat (and regularly check her phone) First off, id be removing those apps.

Then i would make her do some activities. By that i mean she wouldnt be given a choice about whether or not she did them. Id let her pick actuvities, but "i dont want to do anything" is not an option.

No tiktok. It's taking over her life.

I’m separated from her dad and he allows tiktok. This has been an incredibly acrimonious divorce where I was alienated from my children. I have to allow things like social media (like her peers) because I need to listen to what she wants.
it’s an incredibly privileged position to be in to simply say - I’ve said no and expect a 16yo to accept and adhere, especially where they have alternate and counter parenting. Unfortunately, I do not have that luxury.

She has limitations on social media. This is why she reads as well.
we are struggling to find ourselves after an acrimonious divorce, alienation, covid lockdowns etc.

Is your relationship with her dad now on a more even keel? Would you be able to talk to him about your concerns to see if he will get on board with the no tiktok?

I honestly think that that is 100% the way forward with helping her if at all possible.

If not possible, i would try and spend lots of time with her just the 2 of you. E.g. Going for food together, walks etc

No, we have no contact with one another. Bail conditions on him and he has limited contact with the children.
however, children do have a voice and if I upset the apple cart, she could vote with her feet. She is seeing a psychologist as well. I just don’t have any input into their discussion.

her dad will do exactly the opposite of what I request so if i said no tiktok, she would own tiktok before the end of the week. It’s an absolute nightmare. I monitor her phone every day though

First is she 16 (year 12) or 12? You’ve said both.

Second, I would stop trying to give her structured activities that place emphasis on social communication and just take her to places where she can decide what she does eg the local library or woodland trust.

Leave her there for an hour while you ‘run an errand’ every week or do something else in the same location, and let her decompress in a way she chooses. Not everyone is cut out for formal hobbies or a buzzing social life.

Let her solve the friend issue naturally by just having more interesting things to think about than this silly group of girls, like whether Miss Bennett will end up with Mr Darcy.

Then she’ll find Booktok or Horsetok or whatever flows from what she’s doing, the algorithm will show her different content and her Tiktok feed will change to books or squirrels and she’ll connect online with likeminded people and the problem will solve itself.

If you can’t get her out of the house, reverse engineer this by asking if she’s seen booktok and whether she would like you to buy her any of the latest recommendations, or take her to the library to reserve them, or if she wants the latest game recommendation or film or whatever. Give her the tools (books, games etc) to participate in teen life and confidence will follow, then real friends and/or hobbies will follow. Obviously if she’s 12, more restictions on this in terms of screen time and expenditure!

She’s 12. I was replying to a response from someone else who has a 16yo with no tiktok.

lovely recommendations, thank you

Can you do something with her? Or in parallel like Parkrun or swimming or photography so your out together to give her confidence but don’t have to actually do it with her as that’s not cool. It’s a super tricky age spreading wings but still need a lot support, plus it sounds like you have other stresses going on with your ex. I did resist tiktok until 13 then add a 1hr limit which flashes up but now she’s 15 she just snoozes it, we have chats about it’s impact instead or what has she seen that’s interesting etc. I try to engage on it (even though I don’t get it ..)

Does she play any games online ? I have a 12 yr old son who doesn’t go out much if she’d like to connect online x