How do you stay calm?

[Bullship]

DD is very nearly 11.

She’s generally a good kid but the attitude and defiance is sneaking in and I’m finding myself getting super wound up.

My own DM was very shouty (and probably narc) and I was so determined to not repeat the same, but my god DD is pushing my buttons.

We’ve tried being jokey, tried ignoring it, but there are times she goes a tad too far and quite frankly it’s just not acceptable. It’s little flashes of spite with her younger sibling, refusing to do things, battling with over everything (we say black, she says white kind of stuff), very small lies when she’s being too lazy to do something (ie says she’s cleaned her teeth when she hasn’t).

I know it’s kind of normal to push against us, I get that it will happen, I guess I thought it wouldn’t feel so confrontational 😥

Any tips for staying calm? I’ve totally seen red over something this morning and I can’t bear the thought of battling with her for the next 10 years….

I'm with you OP, my DD is mostly a really good kid, maybe that's why I find it so irritating when she's rude for no real reason, although I get that the reason is completely normal adolescence. I also don't want to be like my mum who was quite loony and chucked me and my sisters out at various points 😬 I'm trying to read up more about teens and have more sympathy for what she's going through, and I've ordered that book "Get Out of my Life..."

@ChocolateRaisin09 am struggling myself with a 12 year old. Lose it regularly. Was that book any use?

Untangled is good @Bullship

I keep naming the value I want them to learn… I say things like “tolerance” or kindness… or patience… so they learn when they need those values.. failing that I tell em have space from each other.. I’ve my son exploring conflict resolution online… writing PowerPoint s about it as he really has a fiery temper.. https://www.scottishconflictresolution.org.uk/young-people and monkey brain versus lizard and human brain..

When I worked in a very challenging secondary school and when the students were being challenging like that or unkind to each other I would remember that they are children, their brains arent fully developed yet and I made sure my behaviour didnt escalate theirs. When you feel your reaction and emotions are rising you need to take a time out yourself and when you talk to them use your calmest audio book narrator voice. Now DD is a teen I use the same technique.

I recently saw a short video on a similar topic and the presenter said every time your child is being a pain and difficult, imagine that you are old and on your death bed and are offered one trip in a time machine but the only time you could go back to was that time your child was being challenging, would you? Of course you would, a chance to see your children small again etc because really although it seems to be a huge thing in the moment over a lifetimes perspective it's nothing.

My preteen pushes my buttons a lot and can be really rude. I have found weirdly enough the stuff I do for my small child also works with him. Holding the boundary, all feelings are valid all behaviours are not, modelling take time away to stop myself losing my temper. I mean it doesn’t always work and sometimes I’ve absolutely had enough and bellow, which makes us both feel bad (but also makes me feel slightly like he has won cos I’ve lost control) but when I reflect I think we are able to calm down more easily and talk about things that we find frustrating.