Pre Teen’s Friends Over Sexualised??

[Questions99]

My DD is socially developmentally about a year younger than her peers but we kept her from stepping back a year as it was Covid and she was doing just fine in her schoolwork. Socially, the gap is really starting to show and I need some views. We have a good relationship and she’s not afraid to ask me awkward questions about sex or things she hears being said at school.
She has moved towards a larger group of girls than her best friend and now has a peer group (11-13 yo) who seem to chat/Snapchat/WhatsApp/ whatever about sex constantly. Not a surprise or an issue in itself at this age but I’ve been shocked at the things they say to and about each other eg ‘who have you been shagging?’, ‘he wants to put his c**k in you’. I know they watch programmes like TOWIE/Love Island etc though I’d never let our DD near that stuff at this age - clips and chat seem to find her anyway via her peers and these social platforms.
in an ideal world I’d keep her from all of it but I know I can’t. I just wish to god she would find other friends who have a bit more about them than who ‘shagged’ who on the tv.
It all seems in jest so I’m not overly concerned about anything actually going on. It is just constant and seems to dominate their chats.
I know times move on but this is so over sexualised from the things me and my friends chatted about at this age!
One girl in particular says things that would make your toes curl, including things she would do to another girl in the group (again they seem to be joking). I just don’t want my DD exposed to all this but wonder if it’s just how life is for pre teens now??
The girl who seems to lead the group can be sweet as anything and I can’t believe her mum (who is lovely but I don’t know the family well enough to chat to them) would be anything but horrified. What she’s saying and making videos of to me feels over sexualised and on a path to worse as they hit their teenage years.
I don’t want to distance my DD by voicing my disapproval of her choice of friends (which truthfully is what I feel!) but at the same time, I’m not sure I want to just leave this to play out.
My DD has struggled to find friends for the past few years and I think would befriend almost anyone who would have her. Asking her to be more discerning probably can’t compete with her need for a peer group.
My DD doesn’t respond or join in with the sexual chat - her role seems to be of the observer/asks questions - often seeming to not understand what they’re actually saying or hinting at - but I cringe at the thought of the digital footprint these kids are leaving…. I don’t want my DD getting dragged into it.
Thoughts on how to navigate this?

[Girliefriendlikespuppies]

How olds your dd? I personally wouldn't like that at all and would want my dd to leave those chats.

It is completely inappropriate chat for pre teens imo.

My dd has only just been allowed Snapchat now she's 16yo, I'm glad I've been able to protect her from some of this crap.

[tunnocksreturns2019]

I wouldn’t in a million years allow my DD to stay on chats like that - she may even welcome you telling her to remove herself from them. Totally inappropriate.

[vincettenoir]

That’s very tricky and I can see why you’re concerned. My feeling is that asking her to leave the chat would make this a big deal for her. Currently she doesn’t seem to be engaging in it or impacted my it much.

[Naimee87]

We had a similar issue with my DS(13) luckily he is very open and talks about whats going on and being sent around in group chats and i agree it’s shocking. And it seems the more outrageous(in my opinion vile) they are the ‘cooler’ you are within the group. I actually did raise it with one of the mums of one of the kids as she had no idea what her DS(12) was up to. It was extremely awkward but has helped in the long-run as that particular group-chat doesn’t exist anymore. But i suppose more will pop up. I can only recommend to keep doing what your doing and let your DD know that nothing is off the table for discussion and even if internally there is huge judgement going about these girls i would try not to make it known.

[Popaholic]

OP I'm terrified this will happen to my DD too. I really hope you can find a oth through it.

Your dd sounds like she could be an easy target - desperate to fit in and make friends. You want to reinforce from your side that she must never, ever share photos of herself online. I bring my DD up with the mantra: if you wouldnt want it printed out and read or shown to your gran or the whole school in Assembly, don't write it or do it.

Make sure you keep monitoring her phone and accounts. Be aware kids are good at advising each other how to get around controls and create a second account on social media apps so they have one mum can see and one private one.

Get her into something outside school so she can maybe make a friend there. She needs a possible exit route from this group and even if she is lonely at school, having a friend somewhere could help.

[Singleandproud]

If they are at the same school let the school know, it could be nothing or it could be a sign of something. Children exposed to sexual media by grown ups in their are more likely yo be groomed for sex. If I overheard a year 7 chatting like that I'd report it to our safeguarding team, if it was year 11 Id tell them off but its more developmentally appropriate.

As for your daughter she seems vulnerable to being taken advantage of, if she doesn't already do sports cubs outside of school a team sport might be just what she needs Rugby, hockey, netball, football to make some different friends.

[noclothesinbed]

Such a horrible time to be brining up children what happened to innocence I really feel for you having to navigate this.

[TheEggChair]

This is one of the reasons why my dd is going to a different school from her classmates. She does know a few girls from different classes going to the school so she won't be alone. However, most of the girls in her yr 6 class are mini love islanders. I thought a fresh start might help as I'm not comfortable with 11 Yr olds discussing bjs. Their mums aren't any better as they find it 'hilarious' but it won't be so funny if one of them ends up pregnant at 13.

I also think if the adults were sexually active or groomed from a very young age, then they won't know what's appropriate either. Mainly because their boundaries have been eroded at an early age so it's something to be aware of.

[basilmint]

I have a 12 year old. I check her phone and there are never any comments about s2x. I would be pretty horrified at that level of detail at that age. I would probably also mention something to school. It is a time of curiosity and exploration but over serialisation can also be a sign of abuse.

[FitFat]

I am pretty sure this is NOT normal chat!!!!

[basilmint]

sex that should say

[TheEggChair]

Posted too soon. So some parents are unable to teach appropriate behaviours around personal safety, sex and consent.

My friend recommended this book for my dd and me to read:
The Confidence Code by Katty Kay and Claire Shipman

[Questions99]

Thanks everyone - your replies gave me the boldness and clarity to face this issue head on. DH and I sat with DD and explained our dilemma of wanting her to feel
’relevant’ without compromising her, and our, values. She seemed relieved and time on these groups is being reduced or cut off. We took her to buy more arts/crafty things to get her an alternative to her phone and she actually thanked us for stepping in.
Another mini-battle won! Onto the next (no doubt!) Thank You!

[Singleandproud]

@Questions99 what my DD finds useful is that I tell her if she feels like she is being pressurised to do something that she doesn't want to do but doesn't feel confident enough to say 'no' herself then she can blame it on me not allowing her and that I don't mind being the 'bad guy'.

[Questions99]

@Singleandproud we use that too - it really does work! Both kids are told to use us as excuses any time they need to get out of something. Our older child has gradually matured into just saying it’s his own decision and DD will gradually get there too.

[mathanxiety]

You and DH sound like terrific parents and a great team.

I would approach the school and tell them what you've seen online. Name names. It's something I would find very worrying. The girls are all too young to be doing this and having accounts where they can do this.

[crowdedout]

My dd is14 and i would be horrified if
She was writing things like that. The girls need more parental supervision. Surely you are not the only one checking the chat?