12 year old DD has no hobbies or interests

[paulmccartneysbagel]

I'm struggling with my 12 year old DD. Not sure if I should be pushing her more or whether this is just a phase.

The last 3 weeks she has basically either argued with her younger sister or stared at her phone. She has no interest doing anything. We don't have any spare money this summer but have taken the kids out every day around town, basketball, football, to the pool, splash park. She just sits and looks miserable. Doesn't want to join in on anything.

I suggest picking a craft and learning it - not interested. Won't read. Won't contact her friends to arrange anything.

Is this normal? Is it a typical teen phase? I hate the thought of her being bored and unhappy for the entire summer holiday, but I can't force her to do something she doesn't want to do. I do of course make sure she has time away from her screen every day, it doesn't seem to spark any kind of motivation, she just gets bored and starts winding up her siblings.

Just wanted to hop on and say my DD was exactly the same at this age. She's just turned 14 though and suddenly gained in confidence, started a hobby (dance) and seems to have turned a corner.

Also because the hobby has come from her desire and nothing to do with me, she's actually taking it really seriously and practicing loads.

The one thing throughout the hobby free years she did do though was baking, even though it drove us mad at times with the mess! At least I sometimes come home to a nice tray of brownies.

Good luck!

No, your examples there are really very different indeed from scrolling on a phone. Reading a novel enriches the mind and requires focus, engages the imagination, expands vocabulary and can be very calming whereas scrolling a phone watching 10 second video clips of tv bloopers/funny cats/people tripping up leads to a short attention span and a need for fast, passive mind-numbing entertainment.

Then, you add in the fact that social media plays into teen angst by creating pressure to be a type of person or to be having an amazing time showing off photos of things you've done/places you've been - selfies and pics of your amazing breakfast etc.

We had a particularly bad phase of this and realised she couldn't leave WhatsApp alone. Obsessively watching the myriad of school groups.
We had a full Easter holiday detox and she was like a different child by the end of it, happier, picked up a book and old hobbies.

Ask yourself whether you spend too much time on your phone? Versus when it was just something you used to call someone? I know I do and I am trying to make a conscious effort to detach from it.

Re friends, at this age some are very reluctant to initiate meet ups. So we've done it via the parents. 4 hrs in town wandering about is dull but if home has free snacks and kids are welcome it's very easy for your daughter to invite someone to come back for a bit and hang out. My parents were not at all welcoming so I always went to someone else's house.

DSD is very much like this.
Re excessive screen time - i have found organising family activities to get her out of the house helps at least give her a break. She's generally very reluctant to go but then ends up enjoying herself. If I was her parent I would do more enforced screen breaks but I think they are too afraid of her meltdowns.

She didn't do a hobby for years but finally tried scouts and loves it so much she goes twice a week which is huge progress.

But she's finished her GCSEs this summer and has absolutely nothing planned and I am worried how this will affect her mental health. We've booked a couple of holidays but other than that I think she is just going to be lying in bed on her phone. She's already done two weeks of that and it's another month before we go away. She didnt really revise for her GCSEs so she's not burnt out (again, she mainly just lay in bed on her phone during exam leave!)!

My 12 year old son is also very much like this.
He has a phone time-limit of 2 hours. So at least there’s not much social media involved. But he dislikes all the things he used to do: playing football in the park, going to the swimming pool…
He has only online friends and he could play Minecraft all day with them. At least it is good for his languages… i even heard him speak French (!) this morning and of course
lots of English (we’re Dutch). I’m worried that he will not learn how to interact with friends in real life. We have a lovely garden he could hangout here with friends, but it is not happening.

Is there anything you can both do together? Or do you have any hobbies that you can maybe introduce the house to? I had an interesting conversation with a mum who mentioned that young people are more likely to copy the behaviours they are around (I know adults are like this too!).

I personally never have time to read for myself, but once I took my DD12 to Waterstones and we just read the blurbs of the books together and I told her she could buy the book that she related to the most. I also noticed she loved editing videos so I showed her (my very limited knowledge) of photoshop.

This age is tough but I remember appreciating it when an adult came down to my level. I remember reading stuff that related to me (even if it is books about friendship over a Charles Dickens).

I hope you are able to somehow have an open conversation with her and dig a little deeper into what might get her interest x