12 year old DD has no hobbies or interests

[paulmccartneysbagel]

I'm struggling with my 12 year old DD. Not sure if I should be pushing her more or whether this is just a phase.

The last 3 weeks she has basically either argued with her younger sister or stared at her phone. She has no interest doing anything. We don't have any spare money this summer but have taken the kids out every day around town, basketball, football, to the pool, splash park. She just sits and looks miserable. Doesn't want to join in on anything.

I suggest picking a craft and learning it - not interested. Won't read. Won't contact her friends to arrange anything.

Is this normal? Is it a typical teen phase? I hate the thought of her being bored and unhappy for the entire summer holiday, but I can't force her to do something she doesn't want to do. I do of course make sure she has time away from her screen every day, it doesn't seem to spark any kind of motivation, she just gets bored and starts winding up her siblings.

Get a white board and break down the day into sections and get her to fill them up - reading, craft etc... It might help?

I think it’s quite common to drop childhood hobbies at this age and it takes a while for new ones to emerge. I remember having the same worries about DD but within a year she’d taken up piano and watercolours. Just keep encouraging but don’t force and carry on making sure she’s not on screens all day as they are addictive.

That's a good idea - will help her to focus a particular amount of time on something she chooses

I think it's normal - I remember at that age we were either hanging around doing mildly unsuitable stuff (sharing cigarettes, watching horror movies, playing pass the polo) or working (babysitting, helping in family businesses). We weren't doing anything wholesome or constructive if I'm honest.

The only part that's unusual is that she doesn't want to meet up with her friends. Is everything ok in that area?

I'm not sure what the answer is, OP, but you're not alone.

I think screens are ruining our children. When we were this age, we had a choice between being bored, or putting some effort into not being bored. And it was out of these efforts that interests, hobbies, skills, passions emerged.

But now they have screens they can simply sidestep boredom whenever they want to. So that initial effort just doesn't happen, and then everything other than screens seems like hard work.

I know not all kids are like this, but all ours are (three DC ranging from 14 to 10) and I've no idea how to change it, really. We limit screen time and (strongly) encourage other activities, but I worry this just reinforces the idea that screens are good and desirable and anything else is something that just has to be got through in order to get back to screens. We've experimented with letting them self regulate in the hope that they get bored of screens but it never seems to happen.

I wish the bloody Internet had never been invented. It makes me really depressed to be honest.

Yes I was wondering if it is a bit of an in betweeny age - too old to do childhood activities but not old enough to be more independent.

@pastaandpesto I agree with everything you have said.

@paulmccartneysbagel gently encourage but don' force. And check the friendship thing as at that age it's a little worrying.

To a degree I do think this is normal. It’s a weird age where lots of kids drop their childhood hobbies and sort of drift around. I was in my room glued to my computer at that age. By the time I was in my late teens I had more hobbies and was a bit less argumentative! It’s hard to find your place in the world at that age.

@paulmccartneysbagel I've just spotted another thread which is very similar to yours about struggling with early teens so
you might want to take a look. It's in AIBU and was started on Tuesday but it's in my recents so must be getting posts today, worth a check to see if it helps 😊

Thanks, I've found it and have watched it to read later!

@pastaandpesto you have hit the nail on the head and articulated it much better than I could have done!

Re the friendship thing - she has always struggled to click with people. We have had lots of misunderstandings and fallings out, to the point where I do wonder if there is some neurodiversity. But that is another thread.... she does have friends but says that "they all ignore her". I keep an eye on her phone and can see nothing untoward on there.

Thank you yes I do think it could just be an awkward in between age.

After having a chat with her about it I've locked her phone and asked her to find something to do or go for a walk! Let's see what happens!

I'd say this is typical. She probably feels she's too old for "childish" things and too young/doesn't have the money for older things. That awkward in between phase. I remember it vividly and absolutely hated it, I remember feeling like a stranger in my own skin. Just offer support and let her be. If it extends to her school work/friendship groups etc. then you might need to look into it more but otherwise I think it's normal.

she has always struggled to click with people

Ok, that is your problem - 12 year old want to have friends to hang around with, rather than family.

Is there one of her friends who would be glad to come over or go around the shops with her? She may feel she doesn't get much attention on a WhatsApp group but sometimes putting yourself out there is what builds friendships.

If she really won't though, I would find her some work to do. She doesn't just get to spend all day on her phone being obnoxious to her family.

I think screens are ruining our children

Honestly, I think it's ruining quite a few adults as well but the impact on teens is greater because at least people my age got a lot of screen free years to get a head start on learning how to form and maintain adult relationships. It's not that I spent my teen years doing anything particularly wholesome but now I see the value of being bored and walking 5 miles each way to see if that boy one of us liked happened to be in the arcade and then try stuff on in Top Shop and then get a quid's worth of pic and mix from Woolies and walk home, because we really talked on those walks, about everything ad anything. I cant help but feel that the reason we have so many depressed and anxious kids/ teens now is because they're losing those in person connections and trading them for online validation from people who don't know them. I do also wonder about the impact on focus/ concentration. Days of scrolling tictoc videos cant help that much on that front.

but now I see the value of being bored and walking 5 miles each way to see if that boy one of us liked happened to be in the arcade and then try stuff on in Top Shop and then get a quid's worth of pic and mix from Woolies and walk home

You have summed up about 4 years of my life there

I think screens are ruining our children. When we were this age, we had a choice between being bored, or putting some effort into not being bored. And it was out of these efforts that interests, hobbies, skills, passions emerged.
But now they have screens they can simply sidestep boredom whenever they want to. So that initial effort just doesn't happen, and then everything other than screens seems like hard work.

I agree with this 100000000%.

When I was a child there wasn't even any full-time children's TV, it was only on in the mornings and afternoon for a couple of hours. Between those times, if my mum wouldn't let us put a video on, we just had to entertain ourselves so I'd spend my time either playing with my sister or reading/drawing.

I think it's such a shame that children rarely need to take it upon themselves to do these things now because they can just get on a tablet or select something to watch on Netflix instantly. And it's so ingrained across the child population now that if you don't let your child do similar (at least to some extent) then they will miss out on the shows and games etc that their friends will be chatting about at school. Which is something I'm conscious of because it was similar for me with the internet and Sky TV when I was young!

It's such a shame.

@GlitteryGreen Yeah- I have questioned if I'm just doing that thing that middle aged people do where they think the new trends that the "yoof" like will end humanity but I do think screen culture is worrying, in terms of how addictive it is and also just the sheer amount of information and disinformation available and the way in which things that aren't really important in the long term just get blown up in terms of importance due to clickbait value. I was watching the programme about Woodstock 1999 the other night and thinking "huh- how did I not hear about that at the time?" I checked the date and thought back and realised I would have been on holiday celebrating finishing my law finals. Would not have read a paper or watched TV that fortnight. Imagine it happened now. It would dominate social media and be presented as end of times- massive China vs US culture Twitter shit show etc. I'm sure I'd have been scrolling the live updates. And really, for what?

I've actually got DH and the DC to agree to a digital detox holiday next year - I might do an AMA thread about it

😂 my teen years in a nutshell!

I have said that if she wants any friends round, or wants to meet any friends in town, I am happy to facilitate and help make that happen.

One friend asked to meet her but 2 hours wasn't enough for her, she wanted to stay in town all day or it 'wouldn't be worth it'. My DD only wanted to stay out for a couple of hours. We live in a small town so that is definitely enough time. Plus I do think 12 is a bit young to be out all day.

I'm not sure what is going on with the other friends, I don't think she has even asked them to be honest.

So yes you're right, it feels like she needs to be with people her own age rather than us, but she isn't willing to put herself out there and ask.

Yes I really hate the "childhood" kids get these days... I am desperately trying to bring my child up 1970's/80's style... Before the internet and endless screen time.

People used to say the same thing about novel-reading. How it was consuming, addictive, youths wouldn’t do anything productive as they were too busy rotting their brains with a novel. They didn’t need to interact with people properly because they were obsessed with the characters in their books. It was promoting idleness, vanity and a lack of creativity…

In Ancient Greece following a war and economic depression in Athens, there was a trend for comedic plays. The older generations all said the youth were too busy laughing and not thinking deeply about serious things, excessive comedy was the scourge of a generation.

Really, it’s best not to do too much of one thing regardless of what the thing is but the screens themselves are not the issue. 12 is a very awkward age. I recently unearthed some of my old school books- scribbled in the back where I’d been passing notes, ‘MY LIFE IS OVER. And I don’t have any indigo jeans. I only have stupid normal colour jeans. Why can’t anything go right!!!!’

It’s the age of ‘no one likes me and everything is terrible’

Just found this thread and having similar concerns with dd1 also 12. Thinking we're going to spend the summer with her either lookig at a screen or sulking that she can't look at a screen. Wondered how other peoples dc are doing now almost a year on? Is it just an awkward stage of year 7?

Dd went to a different high school to the majority of her primary class, which was the best choice as friendships were not great at primary. She seems to have made some good new friends, one still from primary. She doesn't seem to want to do anything outside of school. She has been swimming once with a new friend after I pushed her a little. Says her other friends aren't allowed swimming, as they live other side of town. I've offered to take her to her friends to do something nearer their side of town, but she just shrugs.

I suppose I'm just anxious that we have a long six weeks coming up.

Hi @DeathMetalMum

I am also feeling a bit anxious for the summer holidays.

My DD is 13 now and just finishing up year 8. She seems a bit happier in herself then she did when I started this thread.

She still doesn't have much of a social life. Home is her comfort zone and she is happiest when she is here. However she won't invite any friends round!

Her screen is still her 'hobby' of choice although she has got into art and crafts a little bit more recently.

I should add that I suspect she is neurodiverse, and she has been referred for an ASD assessment.

Is there a youth club near by with any activities for the Summer ? I have found that some children are not great with friends coming round or meeting up as they have no idea what to do and it gets awkward. Have a specific activity is easier. Sometimes youth groups are in the evening as run by volunteers. If you are at home during the day could she learn to bake or cook?
If she happens to be neurodiverse it often only becomes very evident for girls as they enter the teen years as social aspects come to the fore more.