Advice for 12 yo - worried she's become isolated

[Garageinconstantuse]

My usually extravert and confident 12 yo dd has hardly seen any of her friends outside school for a long time. Maybe like once per month at most, and only when she instigates it. She's reached the point of not wanting to ask anyone as she says it's always her reaching out and no-one else invites her or makes suggestions for meeting up.

She's also concerned about what she will DO with her friends when they meet up, which again puts her off from suggesting it (I slightly blame covid lockdowns for this aspect - she doesn't appreciate just hanging out). I tried asking a couple of other mums if we could put some dates in the diary over the summer holidays to get the kids together - this has worked well in the past - but one hasn't replied yet and the other said her daughter wouldn't commit to anything amongst her other plans. My daughter has no plans outside of things we're doing as a family. I know it's a tough age, and friendship groups are shifting but I feel so worried on her behalf, and upset that someone who gets so much out of being around friends is not getting that chance. She also doesn't have ANY extra-curricular activities despite my best attempts to encourage her. I think that doesn't help the situation. Adding to this I'm aware that she hasn't been invited to any birthday parties at all in the last year, which is unusual isn't it? Even accounting for smaller parties etc? She's keen to have a party herself in the autumn and will have no trouble identifying half a dozen people to invite.

I guess what I'm after really is some advice. Has anyone else been through a similar patch? Any useful suggestions as to what I can do over the holidays, and then when they're back to school to try to improve things?

[PritiPatelsMaker]

That must be so difficult, especially as she's refusing to try new activities.

I hope you get some answers.

[carefullycourageous]

I have no children as young as 12 any more but what I would say from my position looking back is how things are at 12 is not how they are at 15/16/17. I had one who had no contact outside school until 15, then it all just clicked.

I would try to stop trying to fix it and ask your dd what she wants to do. She is right to stop reaching out if it isn't reciprocated.

I agree with you about clubs. I did make mine do one thing each week until Year 10.

[carefullycourageous]

They chose their own thing, but had to do one.

[PritiPatelsMaker]

I did the same with clubs and activities. We said it's fine to drop an activity if they're not enjoying it but they need to find another one to replace it with.

[Garageinconstantuse]

Ok good suggestion re clubs. Maybe I should focus on encouraging her to find just one thing a week to do. Might make it all seem less insurmountable. And thanks for the perspective Carefullycorageous, it’s useful.

[XelaM]

Definitely encourage your daughter to do stuff outside of school. I made my daughter try loads of different things (rock climbing, street dancing, ballet, drama, athletics etc) until she chose and fell in love with horse riding (she had to choose the most expensive activity of all 🙄). She started with weekly Pony Club lessons, but now has her own and rides every day after school and spends all her weekends and holidays at the livery yard, except when we go on holiday together. Her closest friends are from the livery yard and they all hang out together. She is much closer with them than her school friends.

[Garageinconstantuse]

Yes, thanks I am going to do this. She has done various things in the past, but none of them have stuck sadly. I'll find a few things for her to choose from and if she doesn't like any of them she will have to come up with her own suggestions. As a back up there are a few clubs at school which I know she would in enjoy so she'll have to to choose one of those if she won't agree to something outside.

[Wayback]

Hi @Garageinconstantuse just to let you know that I am in exactly the same position with my DD who is also 12. She used to go out all the time with friends but after a change of friendship at the end of year 7, she's been completely isolated. Her new group don't want to/aren't allowed to do anything. Her old friends of several years suddenly ostracised her so it's all been very difficult. I'm going to do exactly the same as you re activities/clubs etc. Here's hoping for a better year 8.

[Wayback]

Although my DD does do taekwondo outside school which is great for confidence.

[Garageinconstantuse]

@Wayback sorry to hear you’re in the same position. It’s difficult isn’t it? I’ll try and update with how things go - it would be good to hear how things develop for you too.

[Wayback]

@Garageinconstantuse

@Wayback sorry to hear you’re in the same position. It’s difficult isn’t it? I’ll try and update with how things go - it would be good to hear how things develop for you too.

Thanks- it would be great to hear how you and your DD get on. I'll update too. Hopefully your thread will help a few others too as it does seem to be a tricky age.

[Zwicky]

Cadets has done wonders for my ds’s social life. He does loads with them and they have camps throughout the year which form quite close bonds. Ds isn’t interested in joining the military and isn’t even particularly outdoorsy or sporty (I made him join as 2 hours a week away from gaming) but he loves it. They can join in the September of y8 which is about right for your dd if she is 12.

[TheMousePipes]

That’s funny @Zwicky , I wasn’t just about to recommend cadets! My 12 yo dd is a navy cadet and she is ALWAYS busy. Over the holidays she’s done 3 weekend courses (sailing, kayaking etc) and cadets runs twice a week too.
She’s made loads of new friends and it means the school dramas feel a little less all enveloping.

[Wayback]

@TheMousePipes

That’s funny @Zwicky , I wasn’t just about to recommend cadets! My 12 yo dd is a navy cadet and she is ALWAYS busy. Over the holidays she’s done 3 weekend courses (sailing, kayaking etc) and cadets runs twice a week too.
She’s made loads of new friends and it means the school dramas feel a little less all enveloping.

All those activities and trips sound great. Is cadets quite military and rules focussed?

[TheMousePipes]

They have parade twice a week and have both 4’s and 1’s (uniforms), depending on the occasion. Dd spends most of her time in her 4’s but uniform turnout is expected to be immaculate. You do have to be disciplined and you do have to make a proper commitment to turn up regularly. The rules are the standard ‘don’t be a twat’ that you would expect at any formal club tbh, nothing out of the ordinary.
Dd has two weekend trips away booked in for September and she’ll be sailing for a week offshore in October. It’s also made her far more self disciplined in her studies and a generally more independent child. She’s always going off for the weekend knowing no-one (as different units send different cadets on different courses) and coming home with new friends!

[Garageinconstantuse]

Hmmm cadets is not something I would have thought of but I’m intrigued enough to have a Google. Sounds like just the kind of thing she would benefit from!