10 year old and Tech (sneaking)

[CaveDweller2020]

Apologies if this post is a little disjointed, quite difficult to write concisely.

Bottom line is we have a 10yo girl who seems hell-bent on tech and at the moment one of the most upsetting things for her is not being able to have a phone, use TikTok etc. She is not respecting boundaries we have.

For the past couple of years I was adamant I didn't want the kids of TikTok (few reasons for this, but main one is mindless drivel, but this is a separate discussion). We agreed to create an account just to watch videos but there was a slow creep and there were a few instances we found recently of creating videos, posting online, having multiple accouts (i.e they couldn't remember passwords, or have access to their account so just created new ones). We have her account on google Family link so apps need permission to install but they just seemingly are able to bypass everything and constantly create these accounts. There were a couple of things that were the final straw (posting what we felt were inappropriate videos and comments from grown men on videos of an obvious child)and we basically took her tablet off her and banned her from laptop unless she was in the same room as us (explaining why of course). I'm quite passionate about this and is wasn't until this shared by my partner.

She still sneaks off with the laptop yesterday she'd created a new account on google and done god knows what as she deleted it before we have a chance to look and then basically saying she can't remember password etc. (lying basically)

Whilst talking about this with her everything was coming back to wanting access and specifically having her own phone, whilst we were saying at the same time that she's shown us that she can't be trusted etc. She sees friends and older siblings and doesn't understand things like siblings are older and rules are different , or that (in case of friends) different parents might have different rules etc.

I'm rambling a bit now so will stop - assuming there are others that have gone through this, what did you do to manage this and get through to them. Its the way of the world I get this, but they don't seem to understand just how open they are making themselves by posting online.

[Perfect28]

I think it's far better to teach e safety than simply ban her. Children lie, that's normal. She will find a way to get access. Much more preferable that she's empowered to stay safe no?

[CaveDweller2020]

That is a great point and this is why we tried to explain the reasons - I.e. Oversharing in videos and the fact that grown men were commenting (I.e. We can't monitor 24/7), and said the compromise was use of the laptop in the living room only whilst we are around.

She doesn't understand the dangers we're highlighting and the draw of it (Tiktok) are more appealing than the dangers it can present (maybe because they aren't perceived as dangers?)

I'm more than happy for her to use the laptop in our vicinity (or she has options of YouTube etc on the TV) , however that doesn't seem to be good enough for her. I am sticking with the ban on TT though.

[EweCee]

I don't think a 10yo should have access to any social media, including YouTube. There is too much out there and no matter how much you explain the dangers, they are just too young to fully understand it yet.

[CaveDweller2020]

@EweCee

I don't think a 10yo should have access to any social media, including YouTube. There is too much out there and no matter how much you explain the dangers, they are just too young to fully understand it yet.

I agree fully (which is why there is a age restriction on them I guess). Very difficult when other kids around them are on it and they feel like they're the only ones not. Having a reasoned discussion with the kid is difficult without emotions getting heightened.

[CaveDweller2020]

My main gripe with TT especially is that i feel the short form content, high turnover is contributing to kids reduction in attention span, and we know that these companies employer very clever people to devise the ways to keep the users scrolling. Aside from a few educational accounts, there is an overwhelming amount of drivel on there.

[Afterfire]

Could you let her join Instagram instead? I know that sounds counter intuitive but you can set her profile to private, you can monitor it more closely and make sure she’s only accepting people she knows. She can browse TikTok videos on there - many people post them to both sites and she will still feel like she has some access to social media. This is what we’ve done with my son aged 10. He is categorically not allowed to post ANY pics of himself - even as a profile picture, he has an animal! He likes to use it for browsing and he has myself, dh and dd on his account and we mess about tagging each other in things. That’s it. I find that much easier to keep an eye on.

But I guess if she’s obsessed with TikTok that’s quite difficult as whatever you do it’s never going to be enough…!

[bro101]

My dd's 10 and 12 have Tik Tok they don't post on it but they like to look at the videos. You can also do this on You Tube.

They do post on Snap Chat. They know whatever the post on there CAN be seen by anyone. People can use another phone to film or take photos so it can be forwarded on and saved.

They only have people they know and get along with on there.

Just talk to her about online safety.

[CaveDweller2020]

@Afterfire

Could you let her join Instagram instead? I know that sounds counter intuitive but you can set her profile to private, you can monitor it more closely and make sure she’s only accepting people she knows. She can browse TikTok videos on there - many people post them to both sites and she will still feel like she has some access to social media. This is what we’ve done with my son aged 10. He is categorically not allowed to post ANY pics of himself - even as a profile picture, he has an animal! He likes to use it for browsing and he has myself, dh and dd on his account and we mess about tagging each other in things. That’s it. I find that much easier to keep an eye on.

But I guess if she’s obsessed with TikTok that’s quite difficult as whatever you do it’s never going to be enough…!

Hi IG was actually an issue as well, she managed to create an account and honestly within a short period of time she had guys who looked in their 60's following her and commenting.

When we start opening things up again then I will consider IG again for the reasons you say.

When my (older) son started on this journey he used IG for a bit and he was very respectful of our wishes, we followed him and had locked account etc. We would make the point that we expect him to only have followers that he personally knows etc. He quickly got bored of it and stopped using it.

[CaveDweller2020]

@bro101

My dd's 10 and 12 have Tik Tok they don't post on it but they like to look at the videos. You can also do this on You Tube.

They do post on Snap Chat. They know whatever the post on there CAN be seen by anyone. People can use another phone to film or take photos so it can be forwarded on and saved.

They only have people they know and get along with on there.

Just talk to her about online safety.

With ours, we started off on tt with a) not having an account , so they can browse only, then (which I didn't entirely agree with) we let her have a locked account for liking but no posting (as she was complaining about not being able to like videos). And this is when she started creating alt accounts with no restrictions on them (e.g. she'd have a sleep over at a friends and they'd create a bunch of new accounts). At one point we were aware of around 7 or so and reported them all to get tt to close (as not all of them she remembered the passwords for).

[FortheBeautyoftheEarth]

Instagram has no restricted content setting. Yes, you can set the profile to private which would ward off creeps, however if your child gets curious one day and searches, there is all sorts of inappropriate stuff. Just try searching for 'sex' and you get sex robots and all sorts. I wish more parents were aware of this.

[Paddingtonthebear]

I also have a 10yr old who would very much like a phone and access to social media and full YouTube content etc.

I’ve said No. She has a tablet with Google parental controls and she has access to the supervised Youtube experience setting (not young kids youtube but not as full on as teen / adult setting). We’ve said we will consider a phone towards end of Y6 to prepare for secondary school but there will be no Snapchat, Facebook, Insta, TikTok etc until she is older, as per the guidelines for those accounts.

We watched this when it was on tv and it through the investigation it showed that what we see on social media is nothing like what our kids see, how dangerous and unsuitable content is targeted at them specifically. It’s very naive for any of us to think we can set a child up on Insta or TikTok and think they will only see cute age appropriate stuff. Obviously there is a point where children need to manage their own online safety and boundaries , but age 10 is way too young.

[Paddingtonthebear]

This is the story we watched and it was a huge and tragic eye opener.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-61813959.amp

[JazbayGrapes]

You need to accept that this is a battle you are going to lose. But old fashioned "weapons" are the most effective - wifi off, and send her to play outside.

[Spandang]

I agree with @JazbayGrapes to be honest.

I fully back your viewpoint and I have two children that are always wanting to be connected to something. But the moment I so much as see or hear it go out of hand it goes off and not just the device. The wifi.

if she wants to be trusted, treat it like a bad employee at work. Put together a plan that she can see, where you explain each step and what will be required of her, and what that step enables e.g.you can have your tablet for 40 minutes on Thursday, if you mess it up there will be no time on Friday. If you succeed we will continue to the next day. If you last a week we will increase the time to one hour. If you can show me for a year we will consider your own phone (or whatever).

you don’t just wake up being responsible you have to be taught with actions, consequences and responsible use. The key thing is you stick to both the consequences and the praise.