DD 10 & friendships! Any advice welcome please

[Littlemiss74]

My dd has just turned 10. She’s always been a very good, sweet child, loves arts & crafts, baking etc, always wants to please, loves school. She’s coming towards the end of year 5 this is starting to change. She is more moody, defiant, argumentative & rude etc. I know this is to be expected as the hormones are kicking in but its the friendship issues that are really causing issues.

She is friends with 2 girls at school and they are allowed to do things that she isn’t. One of the girls seems to have some sort of power over her, she is bossy and wants my dd to do things and if she doesn’t she gives her hell for it. During lockdown we gave dd an old phone to use so she could communicate with friends & play games - she is always within earshot of us. It doesn’t have a sim card so can only be used at home with the wifi. She is on there all the time to this girl, they are doing nice things like hairstyles & drawing whilst talking & using facetime. I have no problem with that but they also text and some of the messages from this girl are odd. She sounds very insecure and gives my dd a hard time for any small thing she feels she has done. I’ve seen messages from dd grovelling & her saying she’ll have to think about whether she can forgive dd or not. The latest drama is that dd wants to walk to school alone & meet this girl early before school gate opens. We’ve said no way as we don’t want her loitering outside school. This caused a massive meltdown of ‘I hate you’s’ and saying that her friend won’t want her in the group anymore. Another time the girl told her to delete her online house that she’d spent ages creating because she said she copied her. There have been other things too and yesterday i found she’d written in notebook all her worries to help her sleep and it was all about this girl and how she was worried she would ditch her but she doesn’t always want to do what she tells her to.

Basically girls friendships at this age seem to be a bit of a nightmare & I’m not sure what to do. I’ve tried calmly telling her that proper friends wouldn’t treat you like this but she won’t hear it. She seems so afraid of upsetting her & I’m finding it hard to stand by and do nothing but then again don’t want to intervene every time there is a spat! I don’t understand why she puts up with it.

Has anyone else had similar and how did you handle it?

[Dahlly]

This is one of these things she has to figure out for herself. Yes, tell her the friend is crossing boundaries and explain the importance of your DD establishing boundaries and what she is willing to accept from a friendship. Youve gave the advice, it’s up to her if she uses it.

I would however curtail the amount of time she spends on the phone. No weeknights, weekends only.

Encourage other friendships groups etc.

On walking to school and meeting her friend. This is fine, just agree that the time is for when the gates open.

[HowSo]

@Littlemiss74 I hope things have improved for your dd.

I disagree respectfully with pp. If my dd was in a coercive friendship, I'd do everything in my power to break that spell. Anyone who say that they will think about forgiving something minor is a power crazed so and so. Move your dd on, gently but firmly. Is she going to go the the same senior school?

[AliceMcK]

I agree with HowSo your DD is 10 and already in a coercive relationship, you need to show her exactly how to end this and move on. She needs to understand her friends behaviour is not acceptable and that as her mum your allowed to get involved at this age and that you have her back.