How to strengthen bond with my dd?

[Anon1987y]

Hey 👋🏽
I’m a single mother of 10 year old dd, I’m slowly coming out of years of a deep depression where iv had no help and been very alone.
I am feeling awful about my parenting past 10 years , I feel like I could have give a lot more than I have if only I wasn’t so low the majority of it.
Anyway things are looking up and we’ve moved closer to all family , my dd has settled into her new school and already made lots of friends in the past month or so. She is doing really well in her classes and I’m so proud of her.
I have a new job mon-fri , good hours to fit in with school etc. she now goes to her grandparents every other weekend and her dads in holidays.
We are generally both more happier, however I see her very snappy at me and I feel like it’s because I haven’t been totally present with her in the past.
Sometimes when we have disagreements it’s gets extremely dramatic to the point she tries to leave the house bag packed etc telling me she’s running away and she can say some extremely hurtful things. I want to teach her some life skills such as cooking, cleaning etc but she doesn’t want to know. Please has anyone got any ideas that could help me rekindle our relationship and make our bond stronger??
She is great at school and shows a keen interest to learn.
I don’t want her to feel like time spent with me is a chore. I keep feeling a massive guilt and like it’s too late.
Please positive words ☺️ Thanks in advance and I’m sorry this is so long.

Conversations.

I'm in a similar situation. Depending on yourDD likes/preferences, my DD likes face masks and painting my nails together....and a good look about primark with lunch after.
We also bicker a lot so it's not always possible to have quality time.

Who treated your depression? Ask for help from a family therapist

Find a favourite film or TV show you can watch together.. Let her choose the snacks. Give her some ways to make her own choices.. Even if it's crisps /popcorn! Suggest a trip to Primark with a fiver each - see who gets the best bargains! Again her own choice of stuff...

Stop sending her to her grandparents every other weekend! She spends half her free time away from you, that won't help at all.

Imo you need to re establish yourself as her main role model.

I'd agree with this completely.

I am both single parent and have had severe long term depression and I totally get how much you probably need that time on those weekends but it might make all the difference to your relationship if she's with you more. Perhaps she could have a sleepover with them once a month so you get a break/ to go out ?

I've recently gone from having my boys just over 50% to 100%. It's been v v difficult especially due to the circumstances but it's made a huge difference to my mental health and my relationship with them. I no longer feel like I'm just waiting for my next break from them and enjoy their lives with me. Having them all the time is hard for sure but so so so worth it.

Good luck with it.

I take mine swimming. She loves swimming so she’s always happy to go when I suggest it. We go 3-4 times a week and there’s no phones, no distractions, and we do some proper swimming and then pootle up and down the pool for a bit chatting. It’s where she basically downloads what’s in her brain - what’s going on at school, who fancies whom, exam worries, etc. and then she’s really relaxed when we go home - a mixture of the exercise and a sort of counselling session. Use her interests to spend time with her - it’s often when they’re doing something else that their mind is most open and receptive. Play cards, or games. My 14 yo still enjoys a game of hide and seek!

Be honest with her, tell her that you don’t feel you’ve been there as you wish you’d been because you were poorly, that it’s ok if she feels cross or sad about it, but that things are better now and you want to be there with her. Let her talk and listen, even if it’s things you don’t want to hear, you need to hear and acknowledge her feelings to move forward.

What are your hobbies? Do them with her. Watch films, cook together etc “DC do you want to help me make dinner tonight?”

Like others have said, talk to your therapist. She will need to learn how to regulate her emotions in the next couple of years if she hasn’t had this modelled to her (which isn’t your fault) so maybe lots of chatting, reading, films, flaking about how people are feeling.

play games together, learn something new, shopping, nail painting - what does she want to do.

I actually disagree with this. Talking to her about it is only going to highlight your guilt to her and make her feel like you are only spending time with her because you feel guilty. In turn, this is going to make her feel like she has to do things with you and show enjoyment to stop you feeling guilty. Her guilt is not your responsibility.

You might be better off starting small and low-key rather than making big plans that feel forced and fake to her.

I definitely agree that sending her to her grandparent’s every other weekend probably isn’t helping. She probably feels like you just want to get rid of her.

I have a great relationship with my mum because she never put any pressure on it (and still doesn’t) but I always know she’s there if I need her. That’s what you need your daughter to feel

Just be there for her. Spend a lot of time together but it really doesn't need to be anything extraordinary.
I have a very close relationship with my 12 year old and I just talk to her a lot, take her to activities she enjoys, host her friends. Sometimes we do art together or go to the pool or get some lunch in town on weekend but it's all very low key, it is mostly just her knowing I am always here. I buy little things she needs often - in her case it's art supplies, like some good watercolour paper or new pencils- or a small treat, but it's really just showing that I listen and support her interests. Don't overthink it, just keep it easy and casual but spend a lot of time together.

I sympathise with you, It's incredibly hard to be a good parent when you are fighting severe depression.

I would maybe chat to her about bucket lists. I used to ask DC what they would do if they had £50 to spend on an outing, or what outfit they would buy or what would be their dream dinner/cake/playlist.

Then I would try to set up some of these things for them. Surprise them with their dream dinner or when they were bored, help them put a playlist together, or take them shopping and give them money for a new outfit. Some of these things cost money, many cost time and attention. Talking about 'my ideal/dream' anything is quite addictive for children at that age as they move towards adolescence and think about how they'd like their life to be.

Spend time on her. Pay attention to what she loves and is interested in. One thing you could do is work on a Pinterest page with her to create ideas for a new more 'grown up' bedroom for her and then decorate it together - paint the walls, build the furniture etc. Explain budgets beforehand.

And you could create some rituals. We did family film night. Made our own popcorn and our own pizzas, then closed the curtains as if it was a cinema. We also did games nights. And DS and I went swimming together once a week, setting ourselves goals from 10 lengths when we started to swimming a mile by the end of the year. Every week we added two lengths to our total, then messed about in the pool for a bit doing handstands and went for a Sprite at McDonalds afterwards. Kids love rituals like that.

You could invite a handful of her new friends over for a pizza-making party with a film and a sleep over, then a pancake breakfast. Showing interest in who she is now, and who she is turning into is a really key bonding thing with tweens.

Wow! Thankyou so much everyone ,lots of ideas there. I have only just logged back on and this has come at a time where I most needed it.
I can’t thank you all enough.
im going to put some of these into action and I will come back to update on the situation.
i didn’t realise that sending her to her grandparents every other weekend may have an impact on her , I thought I was doing a good thing as she grew up in an area with absolutely no family around , it was more of a bonding thing because she loved her holidays away to theirs each year when she did go. Never crossed my mind that she might think I’m trying to get rid of her :( but Thankyou , definitely an eye opener!

Another tiny tip I have is to always show her you're listening when she talks to you.

I've been guilty in the past of half listening while she witters about something minor that happened at school, or that she saw on YouTube.

I now make a point of closing my phone, taking of my reading glasses to make good eye contact with her, repeat words or phrases back to her if I'm driving.

Sometimes she just needs to decompress after school and process her thoughts. I'm more than happy to be her sounding board.

Never ever actively try to 'teach' your child anything. You have to do it stealthily for it to be successful. I say this as a secondary school teacher, I can teach other peoples teens but not my own.

Model the thing you want her todo and she'll pick it up. If I want DD to learn to cook something I'll give her a cookery book or the ingredients we have and ask her to find us a new recipe to make on a Sat morning, pick up any missing ingredients during the day and cook it that evening, it'll be a shared effort, both doing something new not me teaching her as such but I can still pass on skills.

If I want her to do a chore ill ask her to give me a hand, when she thinks she's doing me a favor she is much more amenable to the idea. "DD, whilst I'm doing dinner could you put all the black clothes in the washing machine, put a tablet in and turn to XYZ setting, then press the play button". I keep a flowchart of the instructions on the washing machine for her too to increase the chances of a successful task.

You have to get involved with her hobbies, her TV shows etc and approach bonding activities from that direction if you want it to be successful.

I think as you haven't been 'present' due to your MH and your DD is changing and developing new interests you almost need to approach this getting to know you phase as you would dating a new partner. Ice breakers and lots of shared activities to get the conversation flowing and to build your relationship.

Be honest with her, tell her that you don’t feel you’ve been there as you wish you’d been because you were poorly, that it’s ok if she feels cross or sad about it, but that things are better now and you want to be there with her. Let her talk and listen, even if it’s things you don’t want to hear, you need to hear and acknowledge her feelings to move forward

I also disagree with this. It stresses your feeling of guilt and makes her feel that you are now spending time with her out of guilt. It's a bit heavy.
I would just do things with her, listen a lot. Let her take the lead and take her out to do things she enjoys. Keep your expectations re behaviour etc the same as they would have ben. Don't overcompensate,
Does she enjoy going to the grandparents? Are they prepared to be flexible so that you can spend more weekend time with her?
Sometimes kids chat more easily when you are walking/driving and not sitting down face to face, or doing something together.
AS for teaching her things-let her take the lead with what she wants to do for a few months rather than impose anything. Give labelled praise as much as you can without it sounding unnatural-make her feel that you're proud of her and like her.
Let her overhear you telling grandparents etc how helpful she is and what a good time you have had. Avoid ever letting her hear you complaining about her behaviour.

Trying to teach her about cooking and cleaning is not going to win her round. It sounds like she needs to have fun with you and/or just relax with you. If you tell her you're going to show her how to scrub the skirting boards and then have her demonstrate that she's got it, I can't see her looking forward to the next bit of your 'attention'.

There are some good ideas on this thread, so just try to enjoy her company and do things that she will enjoy too.

I also disagree with this. It stresses your feeling of guilt and makes her feel that you are now spending time with her out of guilt. It's a bit heavy.
I would just do things with her, listen a lot. Let her take the lead and take her out to do things she enjoys. Keep your expectations re behaviour etc the same as they would have ben. Don't overcompensate,

I disagree, living with a parent with MH difficulties causes stress for the child. They become attuned, they are unlikely to broach a subject that appears ‘off limits’, and it will if the adult glosses over it with options of making cakes. Would you do the same for a child whose parent was in remission from a physical illness? If you aren’t prepared to discuss the reality of the situation you can’t expect the child too either, they will show you in different ways. All behaviour is communication, you can try to communicate via cakes and trips out or you can model how to discuss the realities of the situation and how to recognise, name and discuss the emotions involved.

I take my kids camping every summer, just me and them, and it’s brilliant for having adventures and strengthening our bond. We’ve also done visits to cities, staying in travelodges. Sometimes a change of scene and doing new things together can be really great. Day to day it’s the little things - pick up her favourite snack from the shop as a surprise, get her to choose what dinner to have and let her have a go at making it, bake a cake, go try a new playground or park, decorate a room and ask her advice on colours, ask her opinion on things, do something you’re enthusiastic about do she can see you enjoying yourself (my kids love it when I go into ‘holiday mode’ and start planning fossil hunting and mountain climbing, even though they roll their eyes, as it’s something I really love)