Preteens
I’m a bit over parenting.
RightThenWhatNext · 08/05/2022 16:32
Obviously I can’t and won’t opt out. But 10 years in I feel a bit unenthused by it all. Lots of nagging. Lots of repeating myself. They are bigger so take up more space in the house, take more time in the bathroom, use my stuff getting ready. The constant music on, the constant talking, the questions, the opinions, the “facts”, the demands, the suggestions. My kids are lovely, generally well behaved, but it’s like novelty has worn off and I find myself kicking them out to play outside more and more to just get out of our hair. But I also try to relish that they come in and out of our room when they want, that they are finding their own tastes and getting lost in music, want to share/ask everything with us etc etc.
Seems like we’ve hit a new phase and perhaps I haven’t yet adjusted.
I remember learning in a-level psychology about there being a crossover point at 15 when children don’t need you so much anymore and that it’s natural for parents to be able to let go by then a bit more too. So I guess we’re cruising down that path, which is heartbreaking and exciting all at once.
DownTownAbbey2 · 08/05/2022 16:37
Congratulations on raising complete normal preteens/teens.
RightThenWhatNext · 08/05/2022 17:09
Oh I know there’s sooooo much to be grateful for too. And I am… They are happy and healthy children and that’s genuinely wonderful.
i guess in the early years it’s more survival mode and now I’m out the other side it’s a bit like “wtf I’m still constricted to the stuff that comes with parenting 10 years later”.
So even though there’s a bit more freedom now - no nappies, buggies, naptimes, sleepless nights etc and that day to day life is a bit easier in that they eat anywhere, play independently, can be left for 20 mins in the car or at home, walk home from school etc etc, it’s still not REAL freedom.
I think that’s what I miss, the freedom.
And the fact that “supporting a family” means all your choices financially and professionally also have to contribute to this too. Like I can’t just change career or bugger off to a desert island without taking “family life” into account. Well I could I suppose but that’s be shit for them, so I don’t.
Mol1628 · 08/05/2022 17:11
Mine are just a little younger but I so understand. Especially about the ‘real’ freedom bit. They are becoming their own people which is lovely to see but yeah, it’s difficult.
Comedycook · 08/05/2022 17:12
I understand. Mine are 11/14...love them to bits... obviously, but I'm also over parenting! It's a shit ton of work and I'm tired of it all. I'm happiest when they're both at school in all honesty.
RightThenWhatNext · 08/05/2022 17:14
It’s ok. I’ll be in menopause soon 😂 just as they are blossoming into wonderful young people with their prime yet to hit.
Can totally see how a mid life crisis can abound.
orchidsunrise · 08/05/2022 17:16
Freedom is completely sacrificed as a parent. It sucks. Obviously one is grateful for the things you gain but I think it's completely normal to be sick of that lack of freedom which to be honest will never really come back. Is there any way you could build in some more things to your life that take you even slightly closer to a feeling of freedom, or stuff you used to do that you enjoyed?
Comedycook · 08/05/2022 17:18
The older I get the more I can relate to Shirley Valentine. Once they're both adults, I feel like fucking off to a Greek island. When I first started living with dh and had two babies, I was so enthusiastic and loved it. As I've got older I've realised I just do stuff for everyone all the time and am quite unappreciated.
Oblomov22 · 08/05/2022 17:19
I'm confused. What are you asking? Where does the over-parenting come into it / apply?
RightThenWhatNext · 08/05/2022 17:24
I can’t really complain about being unappreciated as DH does the lions share at home (I work FT, he works PT). But when I’m stressed at work I realize I can’t just jack it all in and go backpacking in Belize.
@orchidsunrise i actually think what you suggest is very important - ie to still have your own headspace or hobbies so that you don’t lose yourself completely to the grind of family life and then wonder wtf happened when they all leave home. I’m not very good at that.
Find the joy, find the joy, find the joy.
RightThenWhatNext · 08/05/2022 17:25
@Oblomov22 im saying I’m a bit over it. Not that I’m over-parenting. And thought I’d just come here to rant/vent. Wasn’t asking anything as such.
DownTownAbbey2 · 08/05/2022 17:38
I didn’t really experience the ‘freedom’ until my youngest went to university and then it was semi freedom as my DC was back home for five months a year.
tuliplover · 08/05/2022 17:42
Oh I get it - I also thought you meant you were over parenting as in parenting too much! I was going to say what you report sounds normal!
As a mum of a struggling 18 year old let me tell you it can still get a lot more tricky (he was fine til about 16). It's much more stressful now.
Anyway you never stop being a parent, but I was also a step parent to older kids and I think we didn't relax until they were in their early 20s and seemed a bit more together!
orchidsunrise · 08/05/2022 17:46
RightThenWhatNext · 08/05/2022 17:24
I can’t really complain about being unappreciated as DH does the lions share at home (I work FT, he works PT). But when I’m stressed at work I realize I can’t just jack it all in and go backpacking in Belize.
@orchidsunrise i actually think what you suggest is very important - ie to still have your own headspace or hobbies so that you don’t lose yourself completely to the grind of family life and then wonder wtf happened when they all leave home. I’m not very good at that.
Find the joy, find the joy, find the joy.
Yes maybe you need to focus on that then. Write down your top things that give you a sense of freedom, even if they're impossible. Then try to distil some of it to something that is possible.
For example I love travelling solo and obviously I can't do that much now but I try to book in at least two weekends away on my own per year. Budget depending obviously but it doesn't have to be far away. I also try to go hiking on my own at weekends sometimes etc.
DownTownAbbey2 · 08/05/2022 17:49
I like to swim so that was my sanctuary, I had a rule that I only had positive thoughts when I swim.
Signoramarella · 08/05/2022 17:54
Omg comedycook you are so right. I'm over it too. I'm.51, single mum want to go out ,date, meet friends. Just actually do anything rather than clean up and care for tweens. Sooo tired.
dameofdilemma · 16/05/2022 12:15
After days of buying and wrapping birthday presents for dd, arranging birthday activities for dd, preparing birthday meals, hosting dd's friends for said birthday....only to then find a note from my ten yr old saying she hates me and wishes I was dead (because I removed some sweets from her room) - I can confidently say I am over parenting too.
She did add a post script that she didn't really wish me dead, just emotionally badly injured. That's ok then.
Annasgirl · 16/05/2022 12:23
Oh I get you OP. I have an 18 year old; 15 year old and 9 year old! The poor 9 year old - I am that parent that really doesn’t give a f*. I am so over parties, (even though I hosted a huge 18th 2 weeks ago 😱) and class WhatsApp groups and taking kids to afterschool activities- I seem to have been on a treadmill for 18 years and probably have another 10 to go !!
But the reward is that you get people who you love to spend time with - and if, like me, you have not found 100’s of people in the world that you really connect with, then that is a precious gift.
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