10 year old daughter upset that she's no-one's "best friend"

[JessicaLL]

My 10 year old/Year 5 daughter has been becoming increasingly upset about her friends situation. She has had a group of nice friends since Reception but over the years they seem to have paired off and she is sometimes left on her own at playtime. They are not nasty to her in any way, she says sometimes she just can't find them and even when she does she feels a bit left out. There was a recent school trip where they were asked to choose one friend they really wanted to be with and she wasn't chosen by anyone. This upset me a lot although I didn't show it or make a big thing of it. She has a favourite friend who she sees a lot of, I often take them out and things are fine, but this friend is also best friends with another girl. My DD says this girl is different towards her when the other girl is around - not nasty, but just not the same. She was upset about it again last night at bedtime. I know female friendships can be so difficult throughout life. I'm trying to enrol her into some clubs outside of school so she can try to make other friends. She'll also be starting senior school in just over a year so I guess that will bring new opportunities too. I just feel sad for her, I've made a real effort over the years with often taking her friends for days out, having them over for tea, sleepovers etc. She's a happy, bubbly, funny little girl and it makes me so sad :( She's not an only child but there is a big age gap between her and her brother and she has no cousins her age. I just wondered if anyone had been through similar and had any advice, I know this age group can be difficult with friendships x

I think there are a lot of girls in this situation unfortunately. My DD is younger but feels the same, others have paired or grouped up and she’s on the edges. It isn’t a reflection on your DD it’s just luck, who happens to have clicked or been in the right place at the right time.

Equally I was one of those “paired up” girls and it backfired badly when my BFF ditched me age 9. Friendship dramas seem to be common at this age.

I think you are doing the right thing with the clubs, not much else you can do except reassure DD that she’s great and this is just bad luck with how the friendships have happened to work out but it won’t always be like this.

I had this with my DS1, years 5 and 6 were hard. He was never bullied or anything, got along well with most kids but was never anyone's first choice. It's hard to watch as a parent. I also made a great effort to organise playdates, sleepovers and days out which were always accepted but hardly ever the favour was returned. (I didn't expect like for like, just an invitation to come over after the school would have been lovely).

Few times it got me so upset that I stopped organising anything but a month or two later started again as otherwise he would not have played with anyone. We are also the same that there's no cousins around us. I have a younger DS who happens to be very popular so it was also tricky to balance that one out as he is always invited here and there and everywhere.

DS1 is now in Y9 and it's so much better. He has found his tribe and also has two good hobbies which provide him bit of a social life. I don't have any solid advice apart from just endure it and Y6 will go by very fast. Try out and explore different hobbies too.

What are you planning to enrol her in? Something like cadets is amazing for friendships and she could be busy pretty much every weekend if she wanted to be. It was the making of my DD.

I'm having the same with my 11yo DD. She's had a steady friend group since she was 5ish but they've gone their separate ways and now her one 'best' friend seems to have paired off with another girl and they leave DD out. I've taken this friend all over with us, even on holiday, but unfortunately when they click with someone else there's nothing much can be done. She's quite upset and getting quite withdrawn over it. It doesn't help that she's a younger 11 than her best friend and she started secondary school last September whereas my DD doesn't start until this September.

Not much advice, just in the same boat. There's no after school groups locally that she could join either. I'm hoping come September she'll be able to broaden her horizons at secondary school but in the meantime I'm so sad to see her feeling lonely.

Hang in there, mine are now at secondary school but years 5 and 6 can be difficult. Extra curricular clubs sound like a good idea. Perhaps try to arrange playdates with other children, not the two special friends?

I agree that being paired up at this age, isn't very healthy. It almost always ends in drama and tears. Just one more year to go for your dd, are any of her school friends going to the same school?

I am afraid this is all just art of growing up and and learning to deal with rejection and life which is hard.
She will come through and make friends she is only 5 as you say. She has years to make close friendships.

She's 10?

This is absolutely my daughter but she also has ASD so it's doubly hard for her. She made a lovely friend but another girl swooped in and took her away now they play together and leave my dd out. It's heartbreaking when she finds it so hard to make a friend in the first place.

It's a really tough age for friendships.

Maybe you could work it through with her and talk through what she can do when she's in that situation where she's been left on her own and feels sad or anxious.

Is there a lunchtime club she could join?

Would she feel confident about finding her friends and asking them if she can join in (sometimes that's all it takes but requires a bit of confidence)

Or how about having a word with the teacher, who could talk to the other girls to try and ensure she is included?

There are a lot of ways to tackle it, some involve a bit of a brief scary socal moment which she might want to avoid, but could you encourage her?

Another thing I have seen is a primary school had like a bus stop sign erected in the playground, and anyone who wanted a friend to play with would wait there. Worked really well because there was almost always a kid who would go over and talk/ play with whoever was stood there. You could suggest something like that to the school?

One of our kids is in this situation. No one is mean to him but no one would say he was their friend. He’s off to secondary school and I’ve asked for him to be in a different form to the rest of the kids from his school going there to give him a fresh start. I’ve told him I didn’t have a proper best friend type close friend till I was 16 and his Dad was 18 - so he feels it isn’t just him. His two siblings are both very social and popular so the difference is notable. It currently bothers me more than him but I suspect it will have left it’s mark. I’m really hoping he finds his tribe at secondary. He has joined a couple of clubs so he sees school friendships are the be all.

She will come through and make friends she is only 5 as you say.

She's 10. YEAR 5.

At this age, I think it's important that she talks through it with her friends. I know that it can be an uncomfortable conversation, but one that is key to build those skills. Perhaps she can have an adult who can help or be there.

My dd isn't quite that age yet and has friends, but I've never really gone into best friends. She's had different ones over at different times. Has your daughter had friends over/gone over to their houses?

My sister went through very similar in year 5 and ended up moving schools. She was very happy in the new school and is still friends now at age 29 with 2 girls she met there.
no friends at this age can have such a huge affect on children so it might be worth weighing up your options in terms of schools.
I know she will be off to secondary school soon, but year is a long time when you’re 10 and lonely and unhappy!

Oh my god, that was me all through junior school. I'm so sorry, I think I know how she must be feeling. I often wonder why this happens to some children and not others (assuming they are perfectly nice and ordinary!) I would love to understand the psychology behind it (any thoughts, anyone?)

And if you were one of those children who 'swooped' in on someone else's friendship, or were the one that was the 'swoopee', why did you do it? I am curios but did you think at all about the feelings or impact on the other child?

It’s hard - we’ve been there. Year 5 seems to be when a lot of friendship issues develop. I think the best you can do is reassure her that’s she’s wonderful and loveable and special, no matter whether she has a bestie or not. And that secondary school will bring lots of new opportunities.

In the meantime I would encourage lots of play dates with a range of other kids even outside her old friendship group. And perhaps have a quiet word with the teacher.

Having a best friend is overrated anyway, much better to have several different friends IMO, but I know for girls that age it seems like the holy grail.

Just looking through threads. My year six daughter used to have a best friend. However the friendship group has expanded. My daughter has been completely dumped. One of the new girls in the group is apparently the most popular girls in the school. And the other girls just seek to impress her all the time.

Daughters old best friend is now best friends with the really popular girl. And my daughter is feeling lonely. I don't know what to do. She comes home and sobs. I have suggested that she invites some other children around, but she doesn't really want to.

Let’s take all the emotion out of this and be honest, a lot of posters here are projecting.

OP your DD needs to see that being a friend to everyone is her superpower! That she will have a wider circle of friends than most. How many kids can say that? She is clearly liked by all these girls and can move from group to group in a way that lots of kids can’t. That shows a lot of emotional intelligence OP.

She won’t be involved in the continuous squabbles that comes with these best friend relationships or when one blindly follows the other. There are many downsides to these relationships too.

If you would like her to be closer to some of these kids, then you may have to help her along. Invite the kids round after school or take them on a trip to the cinema.

I really don’t understand all this passiveness. Your DD sounds fab, she’s clearly a very liked little girl! Tell her that! And if she wants to forge closer friendships, then show her how that’s done. Be positive!

I also think a lot of projecting happens from parents (not a critisism! My DD is in a similar situation and I feel exactly the same). Year 5/6 seems to be a tricky time these days.

I just remind myself that I can't remember having a BBF at primary school, I just played with whoever. I don't think the idea of best friends is helpful at all at primary, as children change who they want to play with alot and there's nothing wrong with that per se.

I went to secondary and made some friends there.

I remember this age group.
l had been one of a small group of 5 girls who all played together happily throughout primary school. Then suddenly age 9-10 they all paired up and I was left out.
I remember crying to my mum about it. One day walking to school l met a girl who I had been rather in awe of. She was fiercely competitive and successful at school and so not particularly well liked. Suddenly we both hit it off and spent many years being close best friends. I grew to love her mum but rather fear her dad as he was the driving force behind my friends academic success.
I was a very horsey girl and my friend wasn't, she grew quite possessive of me and disliked the time I spent in the stables and eventually she gave me a choice her or the riding. I chose the stables.
I always had fond memories of our friendship. Thirty years later a colleague came across her socially and I sent a message through him asking would she like to make contact again. He was rather bemused by her response - « No! She dumped me for a horse ».

I have an 11year old Y6 DD.
With respect OP, I just want to tell you a little about the situation my DD is in at the moment.
DD is part of a group of 3 close friends.
One of the girls has recently started feeling left out and crying to her parents saying she feels left out.
My DD and the other friend play with her at break and lunch and she's included in all after school events with my DD and other friend. She's equal in the friendship but will say things like DD likes other friend best- which is not true.
I've witnessed this girl stalking off for no reason and getting really emotional saying she is left out when she definitely isn't.
In this girl's case I'm pretty sure she wants an exclusive bestie and for the remaining girl to be sidelined.
This girl is very emotional and is truly hurting but really what can we do? She's already fully included but I do feel she will push her friends away if she continues like this.

Completely agree with this! I never had a "best" friend at school, and admittedly that did upset me at school for a while, but the reason it upset me was because of the way everyone suggested a friendship should be, when actually, it's not healthy to attach to one person so much. I am now in my 40s and have still not got a best friend - I have loads of really good friends, I get on with everyone. Try to promote the good aspects of this to your daughter. It's great that everyone likes her, it doesn't matter than one single person doesn't "claim" her because she can enjoy spending time with lots of different people. She should feel confident and proud that she gets on with everyone.

I'm worried that my daughter is the one as per @KylieCharlene post who is perceived to be running off crying to her parents. Which is possibly the case. However my DD isn't being included in after school activities in her case.

I also think my DD is growing in a different direction from her friends. It is really hard, and I find it hard as a parent. However this for her is something she has to go through. But it is distressing to go through it.

I am hoping for a broader group of friends at secondary with less reliance on one person

Hi,

My daughter in similar situation where last year or two not close with anyone.
Get sense she's become a bit of a hanger on. Appears content everyday and happy but sense and know because there is no talk of close friends. And we have talked about it. Pains me so much.

In years past she was closer with others and with her outside school activity she is closer with that group.

Has anyone gone beyond the typical efforts of playdates and such and got coaching or counseling to find out why this happening for the child? You wish the teachers could tell you if there is something that stands out about the child that's causing it. Or you feel like polling the kids to find out what they think of the child.

So hard to get your hands around the problem and get resolution.

Thanks

I think this is very common - all of my kids have friends but are not anyone’s best friend.. there are good and bad things about that but occcasionally it has bothered them as they get left out or have no one special to confide in.
Others have sleep overs without them even though they are all friends at school - they feel like they are no one’s first choice..
Luckily for mine they have lots of siblings who are their best friends (though I do wonder if that has contributed to the situation also as you can never be yourself like you can be with a sibling, so might make it harder to make close friends?). My daughters especially (10 and 12) are inseparable a lot of the time.

I found it got better at the end of year 7 for both of my older kids - they still have a group of friends but both now have one friend who is closer and would ‘choose’ them iyswim. In secondary though they need a good group around them rather than a pair as they will prob not be in lessons with the same people so functioning in a group is probably a good skill.
anyway you can’t do much about it apart from what you are already doing. I have found it helps when they have some friends and a life outside school so clubs are probably the way to go… but I get why you would worry - no one wants their child to be lonely.