Page 3 | DD has been told she can't walk with them anymore.

BerylFeatures · 26/04/2022 17:25

The exact same thing happened to my DD. The bully also told the others not to speak to my DD so it was really horrible.

I wanted to tell the school and bully's mother but DD insisted I didn't.

So instead we discussed a way forward. She asked other girls to walk with her and ever since she hasn't walked with that group of girls.

But she's slowly back in the friendship group with all except the bully and she seems more confident because she dealt with it.

So just keep an eye out and keep talking but intervene if your DD isn't managing things herself.

FinallyHere · 26/04/2022 19:07

DD just doesn't seem that bothered. Been walking with other girls.

Congratulation DD on handling it well.

She is doing great. Lucky escape as PP have pointed out. No need for any other reaction. Congratulations on raising a great kid.

Just hurting for her.

Maybe try less projection and more of what DD is doing.

Pamlar · 26/04/2022 20:21

I am a big believer in not getting involved esp since your dd has found other people to walk with.
That said I would talk to her in a relaxed way (if poss) and say that you are disappointed/upset on her behalf and let her know you are there for her etc. By the sounds of things you will have done this anyway.
Good luck. I feel how incredibly painful this must be. But feel proud that she is handling it ok.

stoneysongs · 26/04/2022 20:36

Just to second the PP recommending the Taylor Swift song "Mean", it really helped my DD in similar circs to find out that even someone like TS has been through this. Also Jessie J, Who's Laughing Now is great and based on personal experience.

Tilltheend99 · 26/04/2022 20:39

If it is actual bullying then talk to the mother but if it is just a matter of friendship group dynamics then leave it as they will just continually chop and change from week to week. Will probably be thick as thieves again next week. Just keep supporting your dd in the meantime.

bendmeoverbackwards · 01/05/2022 13:19

I don't agree with doing nothing. This is how bullies get away with it. If I was the mum of the bully I would want to know if my child has been bullying. Any decent parent would want to know. If it's not nipped in the bud, some other kid will be the next victim.

Shiningstarr · 01/05/2022 14:00

bendmeoverbackwards · 01/05/2022 13:19

I don't agree with doing nothing. This is how bullies get away with it. If I was the mum of the bully I would want to know if my child has been bullying. Any decent parent would want to know. If it's not nipped in the bud, some other kid will be the next victim.

In my experience though, telling the parent made things much worse. One parent said they would want to know etc, but the child carried on regardless.

Another parent blamed me for making things worse, for telling parents when they said I should let them get on with it!

Unfortunately parents cannot seem to stop their children being bullies, a lot of the time the parents are bullies too.

bendmeoverbackwards · 01/05/2022 14:06

It may possibly make things worse in the short term but as adults we can see the bigger picture. Bullies get away with it because they think no one will speak out. We need to change our thinking on this. Bullying is awful and in its severest form can have a huge negative impact. And parents stand by and let it happen? Pathetic.

Shiningstarr · 01/05/2022 14:56

bendmeoverbackwards · 01/05/2022 14:06

It may possibly make things worse in the short term but as adults we can see the bigger picture. Bullies get away with it because they think no one will speak out. We need to change our thinking on this. Bullying is awful and in its severest form can have a huge negative impact. And parents stand by and let it happen? Pathetic.

It is pathetic yes I agree. In my experience with my daughter, it made things much worse. I've had to take her out of school. But I'm still glad I involved parents so they are then aware what their children are like, even if they do nothing.

lameasahorse · 01/05/2022 17:04

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

bendmeoverbackwards · 01/05/2022 18:18

This reply has been deleted

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Because @lameasahorse if low level bullying is allowed to continue, next time it could well be worse.

Shiningstarr · 01/05/2022 20:36

@bendmeoverbackwards What do you think speaking to their parents will actually do? If someone wants to bully then they will.

bendmeoverbackwards · 01/05/2022 21:53

Shiningstarr · 01/05/2022 20:36

@bendmeoverbackwards What do you think speaking to their parents will actually do? If someone wants to bully then they will.

Well hopefully if they are decent parents they will come down on their child like a ton of bricks.

I’m surprised people think it’s ok to let things like this go. If it was a racist/sexist/homophobic incident I wonder if people would be less worried about ‘making things worse’.

boonducks · 01/05/2022 21:58

This exact thing happened to me at 12. Still stingscwhen I think of it 52 years later. My parents never knew about it, or any of the other bullying. I mentioned it once to my mum recently and she was mortified that she she never knew.
Having said that I don't know the answer except that if that girl gets away with it she will continue to bully with impunity.

VintageGibbons · 01/05/2022 22:02

As your DD has other people to walk with and one of the other girls has said sorry and bothered to run and catch up with her, I'd leave it. But maybe chat with her about how she has the right to choose to judge people's behaviour and keep her distance from the ringleader if she starts to try and befriend her again.

You could discuss with her what she might say to the one who is 'sorry' but still doing as she's told. If your DD can manage to say, 'I'm fine. I have other friends to walk with and I don't respect people who try to bully and manipulate me,' maybe the other girl will realise she;s picked the wrong team.

Wayback · 21/08/2022 15:52

Just found this post and wanted to thank all the wise Mumsnetters who contributed. My DD had a bad end to year 7 when she was suddenly ostracised by her long standing friendship group. She found a new group but it seems very fragile and summer has been difficult with no meet ups. Thankfully she gets on well with her little sister so that's helped. I've been a bit anxious about year 8 and this thread has really helped. Thanks all. Hope you're DDs are all doing great.

OriginalUsername2 · 21/08/2022 16:08

Stay right out of it. This is how they learn to navigate social situations.

MsTSwift · 21/08/2022 17:06

Way encourage your Dd to reach out to other girls. My Dd had been same in year 7 is starting year 9 with a lovely established group of far nicer girls - good luck to her xx

Wayback · 21/08/2022 17:07

OriginalUsername2 · 21/08/2022 16:08

Stay right out of it. This is how they learn to navigate social situations.

Thanks. I've stayed out in terms of parents - I know them all but haven't said a word. Trying to encourage DD to branch out without being too intense. Although I think I have been guilty of being too interested/concerned at times This thread has helped with perspective- a lot of wise people saying to stay out of it and that there's a lot of friendship shifts at this age has really helped. I think my anxiety stems from the fact that this old friendship group is everywhere- same classes, clubs etc. Just hoping other friendships can develop and flourish.

Wayback · 21/08/2022 17:10

MsTSwift · 21/08/2022 17:06

Way encourage your Dd to reach out to other girls. My Dd had been same in year 7 is starting year 9 with a lovely established group of far nicer girls - good luck to her xx

Thank you! I've seen your posts and they are really helpful/insightful. She's been in contact with the new friends but they just don't seem up (or allowed in a couple of cases) for doing anything outside school. Hopefully she can branch out a bit this year. X

Original poster

Rainbowshit · 21/08/2022 22:46

Wayback · 21/08/2022 15:52

Just found this post and wanted to thank all the wise Mumsnetters who contributed. My DD had a bad end to year 7 when she was suddenly ostracised by her long standing friendship group. She found a new group but it seems very fragile and summer has been difficult with no meet ups. Thankfully she gets on well with her little sister so that's helped. I've been a bit anxious about year 8 and this thread has really helped. Thanks all. Hope you're DDs are all doing great.

So sorry to hear that your DD is having a hard time too. It's so hard when there's very little you can do to help.

My DD, much to my relief, seems to have developed a whole new group of friends she went a whole year with very little happening outside of school, but there has been a flurry of events recently.

I really hope your DD finds her tribe soon.

OP posts:

mallory1970 · 20/12/2022 23:00

Please can anyone give advice my 11 year old has started secondary school , hes yes longer in classes with his primary school friends , they have now become very distant from him . He's the youngest child in the school he's so lonely he sits alone at dinner , hes home with nobody to play with even on line , he's crying to me hoe lonely he his , he says he doesn't want to join any clubs and he just gets angry when I try to talk to him , it's honestly breaking my heart seeing him like this , he's such a lovely sweet funny boy , any help or advice I would be so grateful