Helping DS appreciate what he has

[Calmasulike]

DS, 10yrs, seems to be at any age where he's constantly comparing himself (and what he has) with other children. Often it's not so much about where he's been/what he's done as we are often out and about and spend lots of time together. We tend to spend more money on experiences than "stuff", but he still has his fair share of material things. DS's best friend has all the latest trainers, gadgets, games, clothes. He has a gaming room at home and top of the range bike. DS goes to a school where many parents seem to provide on a similar level for their kids. DS's best friend brags about what he has constantly, including the price of what his parents paid for his belongings, and puts DS down, calling being at our house boring. This week DS has had several meltdowns following constant bragging from friend on playdates. DS is young for his age, struggles with emotions and gets very impressed by emotionally older children.

I'm struggling to be patient with DS as it comes across as ungrateful and entitled when he's upset or cross about this. We are in a financial position where we are having to be careful about money, so the money we've spent in the holidays isn't "spare cash" or easy money for us. I talk to him about everyone being different - remind his that there are things that I have that other people we know don't have and also things that they have that we don't. We are trying to help him understand the value of things - eg "remember when we did X - I worked X hours to pay for that" (although not in anger - more as an explanation of cost).

Friend brags about non-material things too - how he doesn't have a bedtime, how he can eat what he likes, how his family has no rules, how he can wrap his mum around his little finger etc etc and I do finding it draining when DS repeats it. It is mainly the material envy in DS though that I struggle with as it feels very entitled given how much DS actually has. I found myself yesterday telling him there are children from the Ukraine who have nothing and sounded just like my family when I was younger who used to quote starving children in Africa to me.

Any tips of how to handle would be welcomed!

DS's best friend brags about what he has constantly, including the price of what his parents paid for his belongings, and puts DS down, calling being at our house boring.

Instinctively I'd say that this needs tackling - a friend who puts DS down isn't a friend, and he (or you?) need to say "Hey, that's rude! If it's so boring here maybe you should go home?" Friend is clearly an insecure kid and you're all getting sucked into it.

His friend sounds like a little psychopath in the making. These sort of behavioural traits are warning signs for personality disorders.

I would be cautious about him spending time with such a child.

It’s not normal for a child to brag about manipulating their parents, and I’m sure you know that.

I have a ten year old and the things your sons friend brags about isn't normal. Are you sure he isn't telling lies to your son? I would seriously think about keeping some distance between them. Just keep doing what your doing OP and take each meltdown as they happen. What exactly is your son jealous of?

I highly doubt that the other lad has "no bedtime" can "do/eat what he likes"

Why is your lad friends with this boy who has no apparent redeeming qualities?

Does your son have any idea of the value of money? it is a work in progress here, but I have been trying to get DS more involved with things like the food shop, and telling him when I pay utility bills etc. This is after several conversations wanting endless new stuff/to go out for dinner even though we have already been out this week/saying £100 is very cheap etc. he is definitely being a bit more thoughtful

I would keep him away from the other kid who sounds spiteful and insecure. I don't think he's a psychopath though! A lot of kids do this and most kids go through a phase where they think everyone else's life is more fun than theirs.

I just shrug and say all families are different.

Why is he friends with this boy? He sounds awful.

My two are very clear about their privilege and I wouldn’t put up with any chat like that. There are some good ted talks, or watch some tv with him to put his life into context, that recent panorama would do the trick

Well I’d be having a break from those play dates for a start…

I agree, the friend isn't "normal"!
I would try and teach my DS about the beauty of friendship & personality matching.

My DS (11) hangs out with a group of kids that have no bedtime, can play out all day and have 16/18 games for their devices.

(According to DS!!!)
I don't say outright no to him but we have a discussion instead so he understands why I don't allow it. We also have things in place were he can "earn" a later bedtime with screen time for weekends & holidays.

Also cut out social media. Is a huge cause of comparisons / poor self esteem.

My DD had a friend like this. I could see how horrible the child was but DD felt she was amazing and was just grateful she was considered a friend of the bragging child. It sadly took too long for DD to realise this child wasn’t nice after all and her self confidence was dented significantly despite me always reassuring her things aren’t always as they seem.

How about a journal to fill in together in the evenings? There’s a lovely one for kids called happy confident me, that encourages gratitude and growth mindset.
Or just get in the habit of every bedtime saying 3 things you enjoyed about the day and encouraging him to do the same.
And perhaps limit play dates with the other child. It sounds as though he is not very kind to your son!

I've noticed with my older ones once they get into year 6 they start to talk about material stuff all the time, particularly boys. I've noticed since they started secondary school and been exposed to a wider circle of friends (their primary school was in a very affluent area whereas their secondary school is more of a mix) they're not as judgemental about this sort of thing, though they still definitely want the latest trainers and gadgets!

My second oldest who is 13 is desperate for a Gucci t shirt probably doesn't help that I have a bit of a designer bag fetish myself

I don't think there's much you can do really, except what you are doing already. His friend sounds very insecure though.

I'd definitely be pointing out that the friend here is most likely talking bollocks to wind him up.

I wouldn’t be inviting the friend to your house for him to criticise.
Sounds like your son needs the move to high school so he can find some new friends.

Agree limit the time spent with this friend and if his parents say anything I would explain that he has been bragging and not behaving very well towards your son. I do think it’s a lesson to learn - that some people will have more than you and I’d maybe try and explain that if you want to have lots of expensive things that hard work is required- maybe you could use pocket money and chores etc to demonstrate the value of how many hours it might take to earn X amount and if he does a good job of something or tries hard give him a raise! Might be a good chance to explain how real life in the west works. Good luck your boy sounds nice unlike his friend! Xx

Please start by telling the child whenever he is being rude. At that age they don't always realise it. Don't allow your child to be put down in your own house.

Then I would start pointing out things that made you happy each day, ask your son to do the same. Talk to him about friendship. Friends are not supposed to make us feel bad. Encourage other friendships with children who don't behave that way.

Maybe try and get him involved with some charity volunteering in your local community if you think it would help. He may be a little young for that one though.

Steer away from the friend who is horrible/going through a horrible phase.
Institute a gratitude routine. We have a chat at bedtime about the best bits of the day. It might include a delicious dinner, sunny weather, finding some homework easy… but definitely point him at some nicer kids too.