Do you check your child’s phone?

[Ekerty72]

Hi lovely people in my tablet!

Having a bit of an issue with my DD, 12 years old. We gave her a phone about a year ago, no real issues. I have checked it on and off just really on the advice of most people who have preteens.

However I checked the other day and called her out on a message that she wrote during the school day (strictly no phones allowed). Anyway, she hit the roof, was incredibly embarrassed and furious with me for reading her messaged. Which led me to think that actually I get, I would of been so humiliated to have my mum read my private messages as well.

We’ve noticed now that she has WhatsApp as a hidden app, so we can’t access it, also i saw this morning that she went to the toilet with her phone on the table, then immediately came back for it and took it with her. So clearly she doesn’t trust us anymore which is quite sad.

She is a good girl no issues apart from form general grumpiness!

So the question is, when did you stop checking your children’s iPhone, and was I unreasonable to check her phone?

Thank you so much for reading :)

I think everyone deserve some level of privacy.

Why were you checking it in the first place? Do you not trust her? Has she given you a reason not to trust her?

I could understand if there was a concrete reason why you were checking it, not "that's just what parents with preteens do". Maybe her behavior had changed or something suspicious in nature etc But just going through her phone "just because" will def cause more harm than good.

I hope you can work on gaining back her trust because now she's gonna hide everything from you and its not a good feeling at all.

What does "called her out" mean. Did you talk to her or does it mean you shouted at her.

A condition of getting the phone should have been that it will be monitored. I agree with the monitoring but it should have been done with her knowledge.

Of course! Have a look online, there are lots of ‘contracts’ you can use between patent and teen over use of phone etc. it’s a whole new world they are navigating - social media, online etc. They will make mistakes. They need guidance and coaching. This is not the time to be the ‘cool’ mum, if anything it’s the time to lean in more and make sure they are safe and getting it right. The fact she is deleting says to me she’s doing things she shouldn’t already.

We check all the children's phones.

The sea is when they get one that we pay the bill, we must always know the password and the phones are checked ad hoc.

Phones aren't allowed in bedrooms and we have talked about internet safety, inappropriate pics etc.

We both work with children and have seen the fallout when they send inappropriate pictures, talk to adults etc.

Privacy is important but so is safety.

Yes, I check my 12 year olds phone relatively frequently.
It is one of the conditions of her having it.
And it’s not about trusting my child. She is a well behaved, sensible child but she is just a child.
She does not have the experience or knowledge to handle everything a hand held computer is capable of without guidance.
We’ve already had a couple of minor incidents involving poor behaviour from others (not my Dd) that have needed me to step in and remove the offending person.
I am her mother not her best friend. Her well-being is my priority.
If she wants to tell her friends private things she’s can say it face to face.

I also work with children and have dealt with the mess of some truly awful things sent by primary age kids who have unsupervised access to a mobile device.

Parents should be checking and have unlimited access to a mobile phone at that age. Every case we have of sexting, abuse and bullying shocks and surprises parents who claim their child wouldn't do it until we present them with the evidence.

I'd say in the last 3 months we have had more than 15 instances of under 14s sending fully identifiable nudes, either of themselves or others. The situation is quite frankling shocking and disturbing. All but one of those children had unmetered access to the Internet.

I check my daughter’s phone now. She is 12 and started year 7 with a horrific episode of cyber bullying (she was the victim). I was naive and hadn’t been checking it. Awful lesson learned.

Absolutely should be checking and I would have had set up the parental controls prior to giving the phone over. I’ve even set it that he can’t change the pin.

Privacy is dangerous with an internet connected device. She can have a diary for privacy.

Thank you so much all for replying, you have reassured me that I'm doing the right thing. The internet and preteens is a big thing to navigate and I guess we're just learning... but luckily we have another decade or so to get used to it 😳

Thanks again x

It's tricky because parents are always one step behind. With DS1 we checked, phone downstairs at nights, etc. And then he got himself another, "secret" one. Nothing sinister thankfully, he just wanted to use it during the night.
I think you need to make less song and dance about checking and control, but make sure she is aware of dangers of certain behaviours, and that you are not the enemy in case she get in trouble.

At that age I'm afraid I would retain the right to check the phone and keep it away from her overnight. I stopped at around 14/15 with mine. They accepted that I had a right to keep them safe by checking what was being said both by them and to them. There were issues which I was able to nip in the bud by

Your responsibility to keep them safe and teach good online habits is greater than their need for privacy at that age.

11-14 yes. After 14 then no.

My kids (15 and 13) know that I might check their phones. Even their friends know, as occasionally one will say hi to me in the middle of a chat they're having just in case I check
I rarely check the 15 year olds now as we've had the chats over the years as issues have come up, but definitely more checking earlier on as they're learning or testing what's appropriate to post.

Ah it's stressful OP.

My 12yo DS thinks I am the actual worst parent ever, for ever checking his phone and not allowing him to spend as much time as he wants on his devices.

I've tried to explain the reasons for checking, but anything your mum says is automatically wrong of course.

I think some of his friends parents really don't check so he feels hard done by :(

He's also now claiming that he wouldn't have agreed to the fact that we can check being a condition of having the phone.

We can lock the devices overnight with Google family link (so that he actually sleeps), but need to find something else for when he turns 13 I guess. Any recommendations for good software that works for over 13s?

My DD is only almost-6 so we’ve not faced this yet but I’d agree with the posters who say checking is totally fair at that age, and I’d be worried she’s set up some sort of hidden app.

I once read really good advice to compare the online world to the physical world and apply similar checks. Would you let your 12 year old go alone into a city centre among a load of people she does know? No, so you wouldn’t let her go unattended on the internet either. But you might when she’s 15 and has learned a thing or two along the way.

*DOESN’T know!

If she has hidden apps then confiscate her phone.

You have two courses of action here.

Either you let her loose on the internet (though I do hope you gave some sort of device-based filter on it, to make it harder to find objectionable content) accepting that she could be connecting with heaven knows who.

Or you monitor, with the aim of protection, not nosiness. And that means you actually need to monitor everything properly, and have sanctions for deliberate breaches. Half-arsed and you may as well not bother at all.

I went for monitoring- I had all passwords until age 16 and retained the 'right' to check. Because for me it's a safeguarding issue relating to connectivity and potential online content.

My DD does not have a phone yet as she's only 10 so too young for one at the moment. She is aware that when she is old enough for a phone, I will have full access to it and will be checking on a regular basis. As another poster said upthread, they are young and will make mistakes so need guidance. I wouldn't tolerate hiding of apps either tbh. A condition of my pre teen having a phone would be open access to all of it.

No, I have never checked my kids phones.

We have very clear and open ongoing conversations about internet safety, expectations, risks etc.

I believe the benefits of teaching my kids well and stepping back because I trust them, outweigh the risks of not checking their phones.
A lot of their friends have to hand over their phones to be checked and it has just made them very good at hiding what they're up to. Secret phones / secret apps / codes and rules etc. If your children want to hide things from you they will.

I think I'm in the minority on this, and I do sometimes doubt myself. I guess I could be wrong. I hope I'm playing the long game of raising people who know I trust them, and who know they can trust me.
So far (kids with phones are 14 and 16) it's working. They tell me most of what's going on with an occasional "REDACTED, sorry mum, can't tell you that bit" and they do tell me about social media scandals, the idiot boy who sent a dick pic etc and it's all discussed at home so the younger ones are growing up hearing about what is and isn't okay.

For avoidance of doubt, I also have open ongoing conversations about online security (and loads of other stuff)

They are not mutually exclusive options.

And yes, at some point they will need to rely on their own good sense and what you have taught them. But that does not remove the need to keep an eye on what they are up to whilst they are still in the learning phase

I never read conversations with friends. I only checked websites and downloads. Main condition - no porn.

Thank you all for replying, there is some brilliant advice in here!

I check my dc11 regularly, we had all the safety chats and set rules and it still didnt stop them getting into a really inappropriate conversation on a chat app they had downloaded and hidden in amongst a folder of games.

It led to a very frank conversation and they lost their phone for 2 weeks. I deleted all but 4 apps. I now check it twice a week.

I work in a school and have seen that giving a child unlimited access to the online world is the single most damaging thing you can do for kids mental wellbeing right now.

Parents, check your kids phone and monitor what they are doing online.

Dc14 in Y10 does get privacy now but hasnt given me a moments worry, and would hand their phone over if I asked.

I work in a school and have seen that giving a child unlimited access to the online world is the single most damaging thing you can do for kids mental wellbeing right now.

Completely agree with this