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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

12 year old independence/dyspraxia

21 replies

silverspacesuit · 10/02/2022 17:18

Hi,

I would love some opinions on if I'm worrying over nothing?

Just turned 12 year old DS (year7) is currently being tested for dyspraxia. (I don't know if this is relevant)

I'm worried as he shows no interest in being independent really. He has recently started a new school (as we moved area) so he knew no one when he started y7. I take him to school as we live in a village with a very unreliable bus service.

He appears happy at school, talks about a few boys but never has shown any interest in meeting up outside of school/do anything independently. I reckon he would be quite content to not speak to anyone else his age the whole holiday etc. I hear of lots of other children his age out and about alone/with friends but my son is yet to do it.

He is very happy for me to take him places if I've tried to gently push him he seems hesitant.

I'm worried he is going to fall behind his peers in maturity :(

Are any other kids like this?

Is this related to his suspected dyspraxia?

Thanks in advance

Silverspacesuit Smile

OP posts:
Yuckypretty · 10/02/2022 17:20

Well it takes time to build up friendships that you'd want to see out of school. Can you encourage him to start a hobby or class outside of school? So he had another chance to make friends?

Original poster
silverspacesuit · 10/02/2022 20:20

Bump

OP posts:
Original poster
silverspacesuit · 11/02/2022 11:26

Anyone? :(

OP posts:
Yuckypretty · 11/02/2022 14:36

You may get more responses on neurodiverse mumsnetters. I have found them to be very supportive and likely you can hear from someone who is dyspraxic themself and what helped them.

Good luck Flowers

LittleOwl153 · 11/02/2022 14:43

As the parent of a newly diagnosed 12.5yr old year 8 dyspraxic...

Give it some time. I am having a bit of a 'battle' currently with mine about getting g her mates numbers. I have challenged her to do it today so they can meet over half term. She won't have done. She has said she doesn't know how to ask - hence the to meet over half term idea.

Up until this last few months she had no contact with anyone outside of school. She has loved in the village all her life. She now texts a friend from a club - but I suspect the friend instigated this.

Try not to worry. I know it's hard... I'm there too!

Mrsjayy · 11/02/2022 14:43

Hi my adult Dd is dyspraxic we went through similar the only bit of advice is just be guided by him if he doesn't want to go out invite someone to yours the maturity will come but in his own timevDd is a homebody but drives works has a few friends a BF the dyspraxic traits never go away but they adapt to them, if that makes sense.

LIZS · 11/02/2022 14:56

Ds was diagnosed much younger c. 6 yo. He too was never a big joiner in but enjoyed activities such as sailing and climbing rather than team sports or groups and eventually got a few close friends at secondary who he still sees. He did manage the school bus to school which helped develop his independence.

Mrsjayy · 11/02/2022 15:01

Dd was in a Saturday club and I used to take her on the bus if her dad was working she eventually started going herself and staying behind to go to a cafe with some of the other kids she likes/needs to plan things this really helps in her day to day life,

KisstheTeapot14 · 11/02/2022 15:14

My DS is also 12 (Y7) and diagnosed with dyspraxia (from age 6). We drive him to school in the next town and he is young for his age and a bit socially vulnerable. He goes to a mainstream school but in a small class adapted to his learning needs (dyslexia ADD and behind 3 years in education terms).

We tend to contact other kids' parents to arrange for a friend to come to us or him to go to a friends' house. He's not that bothered I have to say so we just remind him from time to time. He's going to visit a friend he has know for years (but not same school) over half term which we arranged. He doesn't have a phone as yet.

I would just relax and take cues from him, with gentle reminders from time to time. Our DS is happy in his own company (he's an only child) but has never had problems making friends. I'm a bit the same I have to say. It may just be that he's on the introvert side of the social spectrum.

There's a lot of pressure to 'grow up' quickly, especially around 12/13 when they are really still just children. I think its quite sad really - but I get what you mean about independence.

Last year we arranged meet ups in the park but me and DH were around but not shadowing the boys - just 'happened' to be walking in park at same time so we could keep an eye from afar. His friends are all quite sensible but I wouldn't let DS wander about on his own (too trusting if someone not nice were to approach).

I do wonder how we are going to get him more independent in future but happy coasting just now.

KisstheTeapot14 · 11/02/2022 15:17

Ps there are some great Dyspraxia FB pages which may also be useful for advice and as a sounding board.

AdamRyan · 11/02/2022 15:22

This is interesting. I have a 10yo with dyspraxia and he is quite immature and mostly happy to stay at home. I am a bit concerned how he will manage the transition to y7. No advice, just I am in a similar position

gonnabeok · 11/02/2022 15:29

My dd is in year 7 too and 12 in a few weeks time. She has high functioning asd and is doing very well at secondary school where she started with none of her previous primary school friends.

She has a little group of friends but is not interested in meeting up with them outside of school and to be honest it seems that most of her friends are the same., although they do text each other now and again at home. She tells me that she socialises enough in school and enjoys the quiet time at home. I know she can find the noise/business at school a bit full on sometimes as it is so busy and demands a lot more of her concentration than some neurotypical children so she really enjoys the calm of homelife. People with ASD can find the socialising aspect a bit more challenging.

I wouldn't worry too much. Let him find his tribe and every now and then ask school for some feedback on how he's doing. I'm sure they will let you know if they have any concerns.

Mrsjayy · 11/02/2022 15:52

This is interesting. I have a 10yo with dyspraxia and he is quite immature and mostly happy to stay at home. I am a bit concerned how he will manage the transition to y7. No advice, just I am in a similar position

Will his high school offer extra transition days ? I'm in Scotland so generally kids go to their catchment school here without the application process, so it is maybe easier to co ordinate

Original poster
silverspacesuit · 11/02/2022 18:46

Thank you for your replies.

I find it comforting knowing he is not the only one. It does feel like it's a race to grow up.

What dyspraxia groups on fb do you recommend?

Thanks

OP posts:
LIZS · 11/02/2022 19:03

Dyspraxia Foundation is the main one, they have a youth page for when he is a bit older. They also have a useful website.

KisstheTeapot14 · 11/02/2022 19:15

Facebook groups I would recommend - bearing in mind also that dyspraxia commonly overlaps with other types of neuro diversity so do ask your paediatrician about other typical co-morbidities (hate that word but that's medical speak):

Dyspraxia/dyslexia/ADHD Support/Help
Dyspraxia/DCD help and support UK
Dyspraxia a friendly ear
The invisible 10 % giving dyspraxics a voice

I'm sure more groups will pop up if you look at/join these.

Amanda Kirby is an author who has written a lot on dyspraxia (she is an academic and has dyspraxia in her family too)

tpmumtobe · 11/02/2022 19:22

DS11 (Yr7) is dyspraxic and dyslexic. Diagnosed when he was 9. Started secondary effectively on his own because he'd struggled to find his tribe in primary and wasn't mates with any of the other kids who were going.

We were told by his (useless primary) that perhaps his dyspraxia meant he struggled to make friends (his processing is quite slow so I think he sometimes finds it hard to keep up). But he has made a small group of new friends at secondary no problem. We proactively arranged a couple of 'hang outs' (not allowed to call them playdates!) for him with those kids in the first term - partly because some of them don't have phones yet, partly because DS has issues with anxiety in new places and I wanted to meet them and their parents and partly because he's just too disorganised to sort them properly himself!

I echo PP's comments about not being in a rush to grow up, they are still children. I know from friends some of the issues going on in the troops of kids who are hanging out together after school (and in online chat groups) and it's not something I'm in a rush for DS to be part of at all. They may seem super confident and 'grown up' but a lot of their behaviour has been very irresponsible.

And I get what you mean about worrying about him being left behind in terms of maturity but I actually think my DS is more mature emotionally than a lot of other kids his age. He's confident in who he is, happy to hang out by himself, and doesn't seek validation from others.

In short, I really wouldn't worry, he'll be fine if you leave him to it. But if you do want to do something proactive to put your mind at ease perhaps consider setting up something outside school for a couple of his new mates once every half term.

Also echo comments about FB support groups, there's one called Developmental Coordination Disorder (Dyspraxia) & Dyslexia Support which is excellent.

tpmumtobe · 11/02/2022 19:30

@AdamRyan

This is interesting. I have a 10yo with dyspraxia and he is quite immature and mostly happy to stay at home. I am a bit concerned how he will manage the transition to y7. No advice, just I am in a similar position
@AdamRyan we had similar concerns about DS. In primary it felt like he was being left behind, all the other kids seemed to be off at the park together, or going to the cinema, or out at the games cafe etc, we really worried he was being left out and getting lonely at home.

But he's totally found his tribe in secondary and none of his new mates are into hanging out in that way really, they're all total homebodies. One of them has a phone and so DS and he text each other occasionally after school - mostly nonsense. The other two aren't allowed phones yet and none of them game online (DS would if he had a friend who wanted to, so for now just plays with his brother) so they don't really hang outside school - they're still thick as thieves in school though.

Agree with @Mrsjayy suggestion too - DS attended additional settling in days before the summer holidays (just for the kids with SEN/anxiety) which really helped him get a feel for the place. I wouldn't be afraid to contact school before the summer and flag your concerns too, DS's school has been great at looking out for his needs socially.

Good Luck!

Original poster
silverspacesuit · 11/02/2022 21:15

Wow thank you so much for all sharing your experiences too, I really appreciate it.

Puts my mind at ease a little so thank you.

OP posts:
Newnormal99 · 11/02/2022 21:24

I have a 10yo Dyspraxic DD who starts secondary in September. she also seems very young for age but she is very social so I am more worried about her wanting to go out and meet friends when she's not quite ready for the independence. We are about 3 miles from school but most people will be within about 1.3km of it due to catchment so she is likely to need to get a bus to see them.

Mrsjayy · 11/02/2022 21:36

Also echo comments about FB support groups, there's one called Developmental Coordination Disorder (Dyspraxia) & Dyslexia Support which is excellent.

I was in this group it is very good loads of support, I did leave it when dd became an adult.

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