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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

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Original poster

Dd12 and socialising

11 replies

pastypirate · 07/02/2022 21:08

Dd1 moved up to y7 in September. She seems very happy at school as in physically in the building and in her form.

She's outgrown a best friend from primary who doesn't go to the same school but no surprise there.

I'm encouraging her often to arrange social stuff especially half term coming up. She seems apathetic about any of it. I've just offered her all sorts and she doesn't seem bothered. She's trying to tell me she doesn't like shopping etc. i said ok I'll take you and *jane (different primary friend) to the cinema....same reaction.

It's not a bullying thing lots of her friends don't even know each other.

She goes to guides and she's made friends there but she's not fussed about a challenge weekend I strongly encouraged.

Even today when I met her from the bus she was gassing away to a girl she knows from a different girls school....

She's deleted all her friends but 2 (not close friends) from Snapchat - again loads of girls who don't even know each other so I don't know what's going on.

She's very independent I would have no worries about her going in to town with her friends she just doesn't want to....

Is this normal at 12?

OP posts:

Kite22 · 07/02/2022 23:19

Yes.

Just step back and let her know if she wants to arrange anything, you'll be happy to facilitate, with lifts etc.

They all tend to go through a few years of not quite being confident / able / organised enough to sort their own social lives out but when they are too old for parents to do it.

tinkerbellvspredator · 07/02/2022 23:28

Yep my Y7 DD is also not bothered about socialising outside of school yet. She did take a new friend to the cinema when I had some vouchers but wasn't keen to arrange anything this half-term and hasn't seen any friends outside of school apart from that (except for one whole class birthday party) since starting secondary.

She doesn't use her phone much but she does message a few of her new friends on and off. Doesn't message old friends at all.

Original poster

pastypirate · 08/02/2022 07:58

@tinkerbellvspredator

She doesn't use her phone much but she does message a few of her new friends on and off. Doesn't message old friends at all.

This is exactly where we are at thank you. Now I feel like I've made her feel like she's defective!

OP posts:

silverspacesuit · 10/02/2022 17:39

I've literally just posted the same kind of thing but my DS is a boy! Same year as your DD! Never know if it's normal or not

MrsJaxTellerPlease · 10/02/2022 17:58

Yes. My DD was exactly the same up until this year (she's year eight now). Literally since January she's like a new child. Coffee dates, ice skating with friends, sleepovers, shopping trips etc. just be aware it gets very expensive very quickly so you might want to start saving now 🤣

ThisIsUsIsTheBestShowEver · 10/02/2022 18:16

I am joining the chorus. Yes, this is normal, we had the same. I had to learn to sit back and let dc take the lead. The last thing our preteens / teens is mum breathing down their neck. Life is challenging as it is. Gently inquire so that you get a sense if anything isn't quite right, gently suggest but don't keep making big suggestions, they are not at primary any longer and you need to take a big step back.

Original poster

pastypirate · 13/02/2022 07:03

We've had a development.....she went for coffee after school with her new this year school friend. Just like that and said see mummy I am sociable. I realised I had a spare ticket to an event this week and asked dd1 if she would like a friend 'yes mum a or b' but wanted me to text the mum which I did and acquired another v delighted 12 year old. So I think it's a confidence thing.....

OP posts:

milkysmum · 13/02/2022 07:07

My daughter went through exactly this in year 7. Now she's in 8 things are very different ( her friendship group is still small but she is happy with this ) - she enjoys meeting up with them in town or going to the gym etc after school with a couple. I feel so relieved as last year I really felt for her.

MintJulia · 13/02/2022 07:18

Yes, that sounds fairly normal. Plus bear in mind she may be very tired. Moving up to senior school with all the new classes and teachers, new routines, new classmates is tiring.

I have a 13yo ds and at Xmas he didn't want to socialise at all, he just wanted to veg out at home. He slept until lunchtime for the first week.

Original poster

pastypirate · 13/02/2022 08:24

@milkysmum

This list made me feel so much better thank you. It's just confusing because she seems so happy at school and says she's Friends with the whole tutor group and more but so reluctant to make plans. I'm curious who instigated going for coffee the other day but I can't interrogate her! I've said to her now let's boost her confidence getting alternative buses home then she can go in town with her friends after school spontaneously, she was quite interested in that.

OP posts:

Metalhead · 11/03/2022 23:01

I’m so glad I found this thread as I was about to post a very similar question about DD1! Asked her today what she wants to do for her 12th birthday in June, and she said “nothing”. I said you can do anything, just have a couple of friends round to watch a film or go to cinema - “no thanks”. I don’t think she’s ever had a friend round since she started Y7 in September. She seems happy at school, and I know she’s still friends with a small group of girls from primary school and they text each other most days. I just find it so weird that she never wants to meet up with anyone outside of school!

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