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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

School ‘friend’ sending text messages about DD

10 replies

Birdy65 · 26/01/2022 21:09

My DD is 12. This evening a friend (boy) has sent her a message to say one of her female friends is messaging him stating that DD is mean, causes drama and is selfish. The boy has sent my DD the actual message that was sent to him and it is really quite nasty.

DD is obviously upset. She thought this girl was a close friend. This is my first child at high school. Do I contact the school or wait and see? Tell DD to ignore it all? DD has asked me not to tell anyone.
I really don’t want to create drama and escalate but I am just so shocked at how nasty the message is.

OP posts:
Feilin · 26/01/2022 21:10

Contact the school so that the issue is flagged if it continues

SE13Mummy · 26/01/2022 21:20

What does your DD think will happen if anyone is told? Why does she think the boy forwarded it to her?

If your DD has other good friends and feels able to challenge the 'friend' about it, it might be worth her mentioning that she knows about the message and is disappointed the 'friend' couldn't be honest with her... then walking off to hang out with some real friends. If she isn't up to that, I would be inclined to contact the form tutor, let them know you wanted to make them aware that X has been sending messages that say [whatever it said] and you wanted to pass it on in case the behaviour is more widespread. Explain that your DD doesn't want school to know about it and she isn't aware you have been in touch so you'd be grateful if they didn't mention it to her.

Birdy65 · 26/01/2022 21:41

DD is worried about the implications and making the situation worse. This girl is very popular and DD is worried that she would influence others.
I think telling the school to have it on file in case things escalate is a good idea.

OP posts:
Hotcuppatea · 26/01/2022 21:45

I think the boy may be the one that loves drama.

BottleOfH2O · 26/01/2022 21:57

Best thing to do? Keep the screenshot and screenshot the boy's message, save it into a folder, write down date and what occurred and then, ignore. Best if your dd does not message the boy back.

If he asks why his message is blue ticked and she is not replying, still don't reply. If he asks her in person, she can say my parents don't allow it.

Ignore, ignore, ignore. Maybe your dd has been unintentionally mean, maybe not.

Just ignore otherwise you become the Drama Lama.

mean, causes drama and is selfish
Is not exactly offensive. It's childish and children act childishly. If you complain about such a minor thing you won't be taken seriously if anything serious happens as you and your dd will be seen as the sensitive ones. Your dd has to learn to play the game.

Instead, build her confidence, what is she good at? Where has she got friends? Netball team? Any other clubs where she is with people who like her?

Kids have to learn to navigate this sort of thing unless it becomes threatening or hideous lies are spread of course. Don't fight all your dd's fights, let her learn to shrug some stuff off, assert herself and sometimes try and get on even with the popular girls who will sometimes also be mean and petty.

It's playground games, don't enter this space as an adult with your adult spectacles on unless absolutely necessary. Coach your dd and help her grow a teflon coat. This will help her in her future.

user1471453601 · 26/01/2022 22:02

The first question id ask, is why is this boy telling her this? Is he trying to help, or is he enjoying stirring the pot?

The answer to that question should tell your daughter how to proceed.

trumpisagit · 26/01/2022 22:05

I can't really see what you would expect the school to do about it.
She's hasn't directly messaged your DD and she hasn't been abusive.
Ignore.

Redwinestillfine · 26/01/2022 22:06

Report to school. The boy probably likes your dad and is just being decent.

TalkToTheHand123 · 29/01/2022 07:38

I'd just wait for now. Your daughter knowing will give her the upper hand when the both of them are near each other as the other girl will sense it.

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 29/01/2022 07:42

Slightly different, but my DN received a message like this (about themselves). With worse name calling. My dB contacted the parents, who he knew, and asked them to call over. He showed them the message ans they were horrified, said the phone would be gone if it happened again. Never did.

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