Daughter sending nasty messages

[JoeCrackers]

My 9 year old daughter uses my iPad to chat to a friend while they are playing Roblox etc together. I was ok with this as I don’t let her have the chat function on in the game so figured this way she could only talk to people she knew. Recently they seem to just FaceTime each other and do role plays but all seemed fairly typical 9 year old stuff.

The iPad is linked to my iPhone so I can see any messages they send. Last night I was in work and some messages came through from her friend that sounded quite nasty and mean saying she hated her etc. I checked back on the messages and it turned out that they had both been talking about another girl in their class and saying some really cruel and nasty things about her and laughing at her.

I was really shocked by it and when I spoke to her this morning she started crying and saying she didn’t mean it and it was just a joke. She was horrified when I asked if she’d say it to this girls face so I don’t think it’s gone any further than this but obviously want to nip it in the bud. iPad has been removed and her dad and I will have a proper chat tonight after school. Just wondering if anyone could recommend a book that deals with this kind of thing? Despite me explaining how hurtful it was I don’t think she really gets it because it wasn’t said directly to the girl. Need her to understand how things said online can be there forever and to try and teach her some empathy.

Any recommendations of books/ websites I could look at with her would be appreciated thanks

You don't need a book. You need to tell her that everything she writes online can be stored and seen. If someone saw the messages, they could screenshot them and show them to her school.

This is a basic thing many kids don't understand - that private chat is not private at all.

I obviously have told her that and will drive the message home again when she’s back from school. I’m not asking so I can give her a book to read instead of talking to her.

Was merely asking if anyone had maybe any recommendations of books etc they’d found useful to help her really understand how much words can hurt.

I don't think you can beat discussion....and talking about the ramifications of things like this. Talk to her about how she'd feel and also about how doing things like this opens you up more to having it done to you in return.

I am sure she knows how much words hurt...the issue isn't that but rather why she feels the need to assert herself in this way. It usually comes from insecurity in herself.

Tackling the insecurity she feels is the first step...looking at which aspects of herself she's not happy with.

Ask her how she would feel if the other child’s parents find out about it and inform the school.

I have heard good things about this book OP, although may be for slightly older www.amazon.co.uk/Queen-Bees-Wannabes-boyfriends-realities/dp/0749924373/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=BZATVIBIP0NV&keywords=queen+bees+and+wannabes+book&sprefix=queen+bees+%2Caps%2C89&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1638483184&sr=8-1

The 'smart girls guide to...' books look good and are for about that age group I think.