The Child left out

[Razzataz]

I'd love to know your opinions.
My daughter is 10 and since her first year in school she's had a group that consists of 4 closer friends. One girl being her best friend and the other two girls being best friends.

Since summer we've been made aware of a few play dates being arranged outside of school without my daughter being invited. (We all live in different areas so this isn't playing in the street - more like actual dates arranged).

Initially I thought it was miscommunication but as of today this is about the 6th time they're off somewhere (trampolines today) and she wasn't asked.

The girls actually lied to her in school about it saying they weren't going this weekend so as to protect her feelings. So I guess that makes them clear on it being unkind.

I'm neither close nor strange with the mums and they have my number.

How would you react? Or would you say anything?

She's feeling very left out and at this age I'm worried about the impression it will make on her.

I've tried to reassure her but I do feel very sad for her.

Thanks !

BUMP

It's horrible when this happens. Maybe just message the mums and say you've heard thengirlsnhave been trampolining and your dd would love to come next time or something like that xxx

Have you arranged any play dates during this time?

If so, did they all join in happily or did they blow you off?

If not, that could be your answer.

What happens if you make the arrangements / send out invites?

I would arrange something and hope they remember dd in future.

You not being close with the Mums is probably whats behind it. They have a having a nice catch together while kids play.
I agree with inviting them to something and hope for return invite. But this age is tricky as Mums are still doing the organising and prioritising their social life's.

She may be in need of finding new friends.
It is a sad thing to learn at 10, but that is something we will all encounter at some point or another in life.
Get her to join a new club?
Organise playdates for other girls in her class?

It might be about car space. Is there one mum you could mention to that your dd is feeling a bit left out? Or just invite one over, to strengthen the friendship a bit? Or encourage new friends if you think they're moving on from her. Or take her out with a friend unconnected to school so it lifts her mood a bit. It happens unfortunately. Keep her spirits up and show her how to resolve. Either by strengthening existing or making new friends.

Thank all - she does do other activities - dances and has friends there / cousins etc but these were her day ones from age of 5.

I asked one time recently for just one of them (her best friend) and was told she was in trouble with her dad for behaviour so wasn't allowed to go.

The next week DD was invited in return one and one and couldn't go as she had a competition.

I'm getting more detail this morning about loads of instances in school where she's felt isolated and let out. She's poured her heart out and I have to say I'm truly heartbroken for her.

I know dynamics change and we can't force friendships but it is really sad to feel her so upset.

Not nice :(

Keep persevering with the playdates. Ask your DD to invite other girls from the class/extracurricular activities. Friendships are in a state of flux at that age and everything will be shaken up when they go to secondary school so, although it's very understandable that your DD is upset and it's not nice that she's being excluded, it's a useful message to give her that friends can grow apart and now is the time to invest in other friendships.

It is sad but friendship groups do go through these changes. Can you pinpoint any reason for the change, from what she has told you?

I would say, something like a trampoline park, it is possible that it was one mum taking (1 girl in front, 3 in back).
In that case someone would be left out.

You should try and set up play dates and encourage other friendships.

The truth is this will happen - over and over - between now and leaving high school. No matter what you do, who her friends are - it might sometimes be accidental and sometimes intentional - and it will happen regardless of how nice, kind, thoughtful etc etc she is. Look up “relational aggression” - girls do this is spades.

Best thing is to:

1. Invest in building at least 3 different friend groups - one in school, two outside of - say sport and a hobby - this way, when one group gets tricky, there’s another one she can rely on

1. Teach her to not react to the relational aggression - not positive not negative - just smile, ignore and walk away

1. Invest in things that build her self esteem, self confidence and resilience (martial arts do actually build physical confidence and can make girls feel powerful and positive)

1. Teach her never to do this to other girls and be the girl who looks out for others

medium.com/fearless-she-wrote/its-not-girls-being-girls-it-s-relational-aggression-2d87ef6e23e8

Talk to your daughter and see how she feels about it. There are several things you can do-
Talk to other mums
Encourage daughter to speak to her friends
Arrange something with the other children
Encourage daughter to make other friends so less reliant on group
It depends what your daughter wants but yes it's awful when things like this happen.

My daughter had something similar to this in year 5 and never really got over it in year 6. She became very isolated and partly it was that I wasn’t one in the friendship group of the mums. We tried encouraging new friendships but it was hard as friendship groups were already established in the class. But I am happy to say starting secondary school has made a massive difference to her.

It sounds like the relationship in school isn't as strong with your daughter and these 3 girls anymore either.

You can't force them or their parents to keep inviting your DD, they've made clear on 6 occasions outside of school and from your update on multiple occasions in school that it isnt going to happen at the moment.

The dynamic will possibly change again over time but it may benefit your DD to build a wider group of friends at school, are there any school clubs she is interested in joining that would give her that opportunity?

I agree with everything @LadyBrienne said.

The more you invest in trying to get this friendship group to work, the more important it will be to your dd too.

I would keep communicating the message that nobody has to invite you to anything, sometimes things don't work out like you would want them to, hold your head up high, what other fun things would YOU like to do instead.

If she keeps trying to get an invite they are going to pick up on her desperation and that opens the temptation for bullying.

@Razzataz how is your daughter ?

I'd just give them a little hacky look.

We had this with dd - broke her heart ❤️

We focused on facilitating her talents - her hobby activities - facilitated meet ups for
Tennis matches, sport practice, with other children and movie evenings / days out.

A few little treats 1-1 time with either of us (baking at home where she vhoose the recipe and lead the activity ) and lots of work focused on building her self esteem through fun in various ways

A word to the teacher about the low
Level exclusion and unkindness in the school yard too helped and teacher mixed up the seating at schools, and kept an eye.

That sounds tough OP. If she us feeling like that with them a lot I would try to encourage new friendships if you can. Is there any other children whose parents you know that could be a good match for her?