11 year old boy suddenly being mean to his little brother

[chloetheudder]

Hi, I have two boys with a 4 year age gap (an 11 and an almost 7 year old). They have always got along well and my oldest son has always been really gentle and kind with his brother. They have always chosen to share a bedroom and aren’t competitive with each other at all. In the past few months, my oldest son has started to be mean to his brother-nothing crazily terrible, but for example tonight, my oldest son implied that no one in their right mind would wear my youngest son’s Halloween costume that my youngest son is really excited to wear (and that my oldest son would have also loved at the same age).

My youngest son feels deeply hurt by how his older brother has changed and tonight described himself as a ‘victim.’ I have tried to tell my oldest son off for being mean but he keeps doing it.

I think this is about my 11 year old wanting to be more grown up and separate from his little brother, which is probably normal, but I’m not sure why he needs to be mean about it???

Any insight, advice or tips would be great, thanks!

Are they still in the same bedroom and do you have an empty one he could move into? Having a little more space and time apart could help.

Is he like this in front of friends? Or just around family? Sometimes kids put their siblings down to show off or seem cool.

Can you have a chat with him when he hasn't just been mean - so instead of a reactive telling off more of a proactive chat about behaviour? You could roll it into a bigger talk about growing up, being at secondary, being a role model, etc etc.

Yes, they still share a room, but we are building another really cool bedroom below, so maybe that will help. The older one wants it for himself and the younger one wants to share.

It happens alone and a little bit in front of friends. With friends it’s less saying mean things and more doing mean things eg hiding from him, tricking him etc.

And good idea re the calm chat - I’ve done this a lot with the ‘victim’ but maybe I need to do it more with the ‘perpetrator!’

I have a 12 year old and a toddler and even though my older son loves his little brother so much he can be very rude to him and myself as well. Unfortunately it is the age and hormones and stress about growing up. Not to say let it happen and not to correct bad behaviour but it is very normal.

Puberty. The older kid needs time and space for himself. Especially time with his own friends.