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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

10 year tantrums

15 replies

Emzir · 23/10/2021 23:49

How to control a 10 year with tantrums

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ANameChangeAgain · 23/10/2021 23:51

You won't / can't / shouldn't control. Can you calm them and find out whats going on?

WLAH · 23/10/2021 23:51

Following

Emzir · 23/10/2021 23:54

Help with a 10 year old tantrums , nothings working, have taken her phone , tablet and grounded her but she still carries on, crying, screaming for no reason, doesn’t want to go anywhere only when she feels like it, if we do go out she just has a melt down but once she’s calmed down she’s back to her normal self , if I speak to her about the situation it’s because she just wants to go home but enjoys playing out with her friends so it’s like she she’s anxious about leaving the house, I have ignored her when her tantrum starts which makes it worse as she screams louder and starts kicking things , I’ve tried hugging her which I can’t even get that close to hugging her , I’m literally out of ideas and need advice please

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Emzir · 24/10/2021 00:06

Sorry didn’t finish off writing the post, I new to this thread, she can literally be fine one minute then she just starts crying for no reason or is constantly winging , her recent tantrum was at my sister in laws party, she had been with her friend on the garden for most of the day and she knew we had a party to go to, i then Called her in as she needed to get ready, she got herself ready but then sat on her bed refusing to go saying she was tired, I managed to get her out the house eventually but 20 minutes into the party she did nothing but moan saying she was cold, she’s tired, etc and then started to cry, I took her upstairs into the bathroom where I tried to calmly speak to her saying we were at a party and we wasn’t going home just yet, she carried on crying, coughing loud and gagging, even kicked the walls, I tried to ignore her and walk out which made things worse , i then tried again with her to calm her down which everntually it worked and we came back downstairs and it was like nothing happened, this isn’t the first time, she has done this so many times before, there’s been times when she hasn’t been out with her friends and I’ve gone to my sisters house which she has started moaning and iv had to come home, pretty much every were I go she complains , it’s not all the time but the majority of the time she complains or cries, she is Always out with her friends or like I said we can go and visit people and she’s fine, so it’s not like she’s anxious about leaving the house, I just don’t no what’s wrong with her, if I ask her when she’s calmed she just says it’s because she’s tired but even if I’m home she doesn’t go to sleep straight away, I have tried grounding her or taking her tablet off her, and saying she upsets me when’s acting like that way but it makes no difference , where am I going wrong ?

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AlexaShutUp · 24/10/2021 00:09

I would take her to the GP to explore possible additional needs. Her reactions do not sound like those of a neurotypical 10yo.

Emzir · 24/10/2021 00:12

I did think about taking her to the gp but then I wasn’t sure If she was just been naughty and I just needed advice on how to control this behaviour and thinking the gp couldn’t help me

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rach2713 · 24/10/2021 00:18

I think you should take her to gp that isnt normal behavior for a 10 year old. It does send red flags for additional needs..

Emzir · 24/10/2021 00:23

Thankyou , I really didn’t want to do this, but I am going to, I have an older daughter and she sort of used to be the same but not his bad,she out grew her tantrums once I started using boundaries, I can’t even go anywhere alone without her at the minute,she’s fine going to school, she’s brilliant in fact, and doing so well, if I even go to bingo etc and she’s with her dad at home she’s constantly ringing me to see how long I’ll be, she won’t stay with anyone,

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Emzir · 24/10/2021 00:25

I feel like I’ve gone wrong somehow sometimes? Or maybe I’ve been too soft with her in the past but now I am starting to put my foot down with her but nothings working 😞 feels like I’ve failed her

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Flowersintheattic2021 · 26/10/2021 20:20

You take her phone and let her play on tiktok and make tiktoks.

AlexaShutUp · 26/10/2021 22:02

OP, what's your gut telling you? Do you actually think that this is because you've been too soft, or do you think there is something else going on? To me, it sounds like something else - her behaviour is quite extreme for a child of her age and it seems like she may have particular difficulty with transitions? I would take her to the GP first to explore whether there might be any additional needs that are contributing to her behaviour. If you rule that out, then you may need to get some help with putting some strategies in place to manage her behaviour.

Emzir · 26/10/2021 22:23

I’m not really sure to be honest, I do sometimes think it’s because she’s been a little spoilt and can’t get her own way, but then I sit back and wonder if there is anything wrong? The last tantrum she had she was nearly throwing up and struggling to breathe like she was having a panic attack, and all this was because I wouldn’t let her out and play due to having a tantrum the day before, she does have boundaries it’s just that she doesn’t like them, she was grounded for 4 days and wasn’t allowed her tablet so after having that tantrum she was fine, so really notsure what to do wether to take her to gp or not, it’s like a waiting game at the minute I’m waiting for the next one

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chloetheudder · 29/10/2021 05:22

I wonder how consistent you’ve been with the rules and boundaries? It sounds like she maybe doesn’t have a clear, consistent set of expectations and boundaries. Maybe do some detective work when she’s calm and see if you can get her to tell you what’s going on for her in those moments and maybe the two of you can figure out a new, better plan for those situations. It may be a bit of both-additional needs plus inconsistent boundaries. I agree this isn’t developmentally normal for a 10 year old.

Violet9 · 06/11/2021 10:14

Hi op, my 11 year old daughter is similar and she was diagnosed with ASD at 9, she still has these types of meltdowns and anxiety but is ok at school and masks a lot. Hormones have definitely made her behaviour more extreme. I'm not saying your dd has ASD but for us it was a gut feeling we'd had since she was very little - - though it's hard when they're very young to tell what behaviour is just their age. When she got to 8-9 we could see from other children her age and hear from their parents that they were maturing out of certain things, but dd wasn't and if anything she'd have regressions, and things got more extreme as hormones came along.

Only you will know if you feel there's more going on than just tantrums, if you do go to your gp I hope they're more helpful than ours. Told us behavioural referrals to camhs had to be v extreme cases like suicide attempts otherwise the waiting time to see camhs was 2 years. Unless the school supports you and can make the referral to a service for younger children. We tried the gp's suggestion of a local nhs family help service run my nurses, they were quite good with advice and information but the service didn't go further than support. We ended up using savings and going private and she was diagnosed with ASD. Like I say I'm not suggesting your dd has autism but it might be something worth looking into even just to rule out Thanks

Emzir · 07/11/2021 21:50

Thankyou all for your comments, to be honest she’s a good child, and since I wrote this she’s been ok, she nos that if she has a bad tantrum now her tablet will be taken away and she will not be allowed out, I can’t say she hasn’t had some meltdowns because she has, I have to talk to her to calm her down and then she’s ok, but they haven’t been half as bad as what they were . I’m notsure what to do wether to keep doing what I’m doing now and hopefully it’s gets better in time and she learns, or wether to make an appoinment, I no I won’t get very far as she is golden in school, so I’m notsure if the school would help for referral to cahms etc ,

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