What rules for a first phone (11 year old)?

[Yika]

I'm upgrading my phone and giving my DD my old iPhone for her 11th birthday.

What kind of rules and arrangements should I put in place?

Thanks in advance!

Bump

Phone stays downstairs/out of bedroom after a certain time of night

No phone in the morning (unless she proves she can be up/ready for school without fuss etc)

No WhatsApp/FB/Social media

Speak to you about any messages/content that she is uncomfortable with

Remember that a message or photo sent can end up ANYWHERE. Once she's sent it it's out there. Even if deleted, it could be screenshotted.

Never say anything in a message that she wouldn't say in real life face to face

At that age, agree that you can check messages/history whenever you ask. (You might not do it, but have the agreement there anyway).

There are apps you can use to set time restrictions on stuff. I've not used any so can't suggest any, but I know they exist.

I read and listened to quite a lot before giving my DD access to a phone (also 11) and two areas where there seems to be a large consensus are:

1. No phones overnight in bedrooms and
2. No phone use during meal times.

I let DD have the phone on aeroplane mode to listen to podcasts after dinner, but then take it away to charge overnight downstairs half an hour before her bedtime.

I’ve set a screen time password on ours that my DD doesn’t know which means I can ensure she doesn’t download any apps, and I have to approve which apps have access to camera etc.

She has WhatsApp to talk to friends and family, podcasts, Safari (with highest level of restricted access, which I know is not perfect, so considering taking this off and requiring internet searches to all be done via laptop where I can have more of an eye on it) and apps required for school.

In general, go stricter than you think to start with as it’s much much easier to ease up and grant permissions than it is to withdraw things and reign them in.

Oh, also, I made it clear to DD that this is not ‘her’ phone, it’s a phone she has access to for school work, communication and walking to and from school to let us know when she arrives/leaves, but it’s ours and we decide the rules for it.

Their account also needs to be a child's account so that they need permission to download apps.

My daughter is 11 and had her first phone in December. We have Google family link on it so we have to approve app downloads, set filters on content, can see her location and can set time-limits on apps that she might tend to spending too much time on eg roblox. Also a 'bedtime' where it is locked apart from emergency calls between 9pm and 7am. No social media apart from WhatsApp which we reluctantly allowed because that's how all her friends communicate, but with the condition that we can look at her phone and messages.
Seems to work so far. I ended up blocking the tik tok site as some kids on her class were sharing videos I thought were inappropriate from it on whatsapp even though she didn't have a tik tok account.

When my Dc got their first phone at 11, my rules were:

No phones upstairs
No group chats (I feel these are harder to manage, and it's easy to get jumped on/picked on/left out etc.)
I/DH can look at phone at any time - I used to check daily.
Come to me/DH if there is anything you are uncomfortable with.
I have to put in a password to enable downloading apps.

At 13 the rules are slightly more relaxed:
No phones upstairs after 8pm or before 7am.
No group chats if you don't know all the people on it.
I/DH may still ask permission to look at the phone - in practice we pretty much never do.
Come to me/DH if you are worried or uncomfortable about anything.
Passcode for downloading apps is still in place.

Thanks a lot, this is very helpful.

This is a learning journey for you both, whilst you may say yes and agree to something, it's equally up for review and could become a no if issues arise.

Your child will make mistakes and that's ok, we all do in life that's how we grow and learn, what's important is that there is a dialogue between you and they knows that they can come to you good or bad.

Take an interest in their online world so you learn together, have them share skills with you,

Report and block are good skills for children to learn too.

As a parent it's important that we remember to parent online the same as we do offline.

cheapest PAYG rather than contract, minimal data allowance.

Phone handed over at bedtime

And phone has to be handed over at any point parent asks for it.

Great tips, many thanks.

I'd actually allow WApp group chats. They tend to go wrong & they fall out / get upset about posts / groups etc until they work out how to use appropriately and manage it.
They learn...So do it in year 5/6 before high school. Dito other similar stuff but tell child you have to have access to phone.
Do it that way and by Yr7 they are social media savvy.
They need to be able to navigate it by Yr7

Some really helpful things to think about here, thank you.

I agree with most of the ideas on here, especially no phone upstairs but I don't think WhatsApp should be allowed yet, it's too easy to receive /send images.
Once you have decided on the rules draw up a 'contract' that you and your DD both sign. No ' I didn't realise' excuses then.

Kids don't phone you unless it's an emergency. They don't text. Their mates will be be on WApp as it's free & they set up groups.
People may want to protect them in Yr6 but imo you are better seeing Yr6 as a prep for Yr7.
Insta / WAp is normal. Snap chat is popular. Tik tok is common but lots have lost interest in it now

It may depend on where you live but we are city suburb & a yr6 without a phone would be v unusual. Most have friends & parents / a friends parent as contacts. In Yr7 they have a ton of stuff to get heads round re high school so if they are phone savvy earlier it's one less thing to worry about. Equip them for future

Yes she’s probably in a minority here too but definitely has other friends without a phone still at this age. I might have held off another year myself if I hadn’t needed to upgrade my own phone …