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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

Struggling to make friends

12 replies

CrowBones · 13/08/2021 12:27

My 12 YO DD is naturally shy and reticent. She's also Type 1 diabetic, diagnosed at 10, which hasn't helped with self-confidence.

She had plenty of friends at primary school, but she's going into Y8 now and hasn't really connected with anyone that well in her new secondary school. She spends most of her lunchtime sorting out insulin and eating, which ends up being apart from everyone else, so loses time to build relationships. I will contact the school about this. She never gets invited anywhere, and no one really contacts her. We don't live near the school, so it's hard for her to meet people spontaneously. Her friends have been meeting though, so it's not impossible if the will is there.

She's rarely now invited to things by her old primary friends either, most of whom went to the same secondary.

I have told her to ask friends to meet, but she's scared of the rejection after vague promises or just being ignored (and who can blame her!). She just wants to hang out with her 8 year old brother - after all, he always loves her.

I feel so sad for her. How can I help her?

OP posts:
Original poster
CrowBones · 13/08/2021 12:46

I just don't want her to have another long, lonely summer holidays like this one.

OP posts:
BunnyRuddington · 13/08/2021 17:43

I can see why lunch times would be an issue. Why didn't we go to the same Secondary as her other friends?

HotSteppa · 14/08/2021 11:21

I came on the board thinking about my lonely 8 yo. I know they are totally different age groups so not sure how much advice I have got that's still relevant. Maybe it's a reminder to me that these things fluctuate and change. It's nice she is close with her brother, my daughter would say she doesn't like her 6 year old brother but really he's her closest playmate.

About the insulin, is she or could she be on a pump? My understanding is they are automatically monitoring blood glucose and delivering insulin so might be less time consuming at lunch time?

Also extra curricular activities? We started brownies and theatre club which she enjoys and although she's not made much connection think it helps her to feel she has something that's just hers. Do school do any clubs she can get involved in?

I'm sure she will find her groove, hoping same for my DD

Original poster
CrowBones · 15/08/2021 15:18

@HotSteppa

I came on the board thinking about my lonely 8 yo. I know they are totally different age groups so not sure how much advice I have got that's still relevant. Maybe it's a reminder to me that these things fluctuate and change. It's nice she is close with her brother, my daughter would say she doesn't like her 6 year old brother but really he's her closest playmate.

About the insulin, is she or could she be on a pump? My understanding is they are automatically monitoring blood glucose and delivering insulin so might be less time consuming at lunch time?

Also extra curricular activities? We started brownies and theatre club which she enjoys and although she's not made much connection think it helps her to feel she has something that's just hers. Do school do any clubs she can get involved in?

I'm sure she will find her groove, hoping same for my DD

Thanks for your response. I do think a pump would be beneficial, she just needs to make that step herself - there's something a bit too "medical" about it for her liking. I'm sure she'll get there in the end. I think I will frame it in terms of time saving next time we speak, see if that helps steer her in that direction.
OP posts:
Original poster
CrowBones · 15/08/2021 15:19

@HotSteppa

And I hope things improve for your daughter too

OP posts:
Original poster
CrowBones · 15/08/2021 15:20

@BunnyRuddington

I can see why lunch times would be an issue. Why didn't we go to the same Secondary as her other friends?
Edge of catchment
OP posts:
Threeisme · 19/08/2021 08:12

I have a child a similar age in similar circumstances. I am hopeful that things will improve in September when school is more 'normal' again. My child was kept in the same mixed ability form throughout Y7 (understandably to limit mixing) so didn't have the usual opportunity of meeting a wide range of others in different classes. Hoping they will find their group when this happens in Y8. From everything I've heard and read, things settle down in the next year or so friendship wise so hopefully more settled times ahead.

Original poster
CrowBones · 20/08/2021 13:04

@Threeisme

I have a child a similar age in similar circumstances. I am hopeful that things will improve in September when school is more 'normal' again. My child was kept in the same mixed ability form throughout Y7 (understandably to limit mixing) so didn't have the usual opportunity of meeting a wide range of others in different classes. Hoping they will find their group when this happens in Y8. From everything I've heard and read, things settle down in the next year or so friendship wise so hopefully more settled times ahead.
I think these are good points too, thanks. You're right that they didn't mix with other forms as they (hopefully) will be able to in Y8. Lockdown at the start of the year and 3 separate occasions of isolating at home won't have helped either. Hope you see an improvement this year.
OP posts:
Tereo · 20/08/2021 13:21

My very quiet 13 year old has just finished his first year in secondary and made no friends that I know of. Maybe boys are different but he doesn't seem to mind. The savour is he hangs out with his older brother a lot. Great your dd still enjoys hanging out with her brother at home she sounds great.
I think the first year of secondary was a bit of a washout for them. All wearing masks, missing months on end. Hoping they find their way in 2nd Yr.
Very hard starting into secondary with the diabetes diagnosis still such a recent thing.
I'd do what you're doing contact school and ask for more help. I wonder could an SNA take her out for last few minutes of class before lunch and help her till she's more comfortable.
Take care xxx

TheSockMonster · 20/08/2021 13:29

I think if she’s spent her first year at high school with her form group (as my DS did) she probably hasn’t had much chance to mix and make friends. My usually very sociable DS has only made 3 proper friends. I asked him how he made them and he said he was sat near them in class, got to know them a bit, then they started hanging out together on the playground and, finally, outside of school. I spoke to the student support team on an unrelated issue and they said that his whole year seem to be stuck in a strange sort of Year 6.5 limbo!

I think when they start mixing the classes properly next year the quieter children will have more opportunities to make new friends.

Original poster
CrowBones · 22/08/2021 22:08

Thanks @Tereo and @TheSockMonster, I appreciate your suggestions. Agree totally that the first year under lockdown was not a "proper" start to secondary. Fingers crossed for the future.

OP posts:
Threeisme · 10/09/2021 20:08

@CrowBones How's the new term going for your daughter?

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