My 11 year old can't use a knife and fork properly

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This. We are determined That she can do it before high school but leading to massive tantrums. I guess kids don't eat as much meat these days and pasta and rice dishes mean they miss out practicing on that sawing technique, we feel embarrassed that we have left it so long

Are there any special needs here? I don't think there's much you can do beyond practising...maybe get them involved in general cookery so they can chop veggies and do general food prep. Can they tie shoelaces ok?

No special needs and no issues with any fine motor skills, I suppose when you think about it it's a difficult thing to do. I do wonder if it's a thing of our time with diets and meal types changing.

Buy caring cutlery and practice it automatically puts your fingers into the right spot

She can learn pretty quickly - I am able to teach younger children with SEN to eat using a knife and fork at lunchtimes. Be very explicit and model/show her where to put her fingers, apply pressure, etc.

My nearly 8 cant. We spent his early years in Africa and embraced eating with hands, using chapatti, bread etc, knives just seemed irrelevant, we are also vegetarian. He just doesn't use them naturally so recently we have said that's the next skill for him to learn and new rule is if he practices at dinner he gets pudding, so he can have the skill for restaurants etc.
I don't think you should feel embarrassed, if you haven't had the need for it. Its hard for you if its causing tantrums that's difficult. Maybe a step back and then introduce it as a thing to learn for restaurants or something? Teach chop sticks too for chinese restaurants, make it a skill to learn rather than need it for every meal?
There used to be that game of cutting up a huge chocolate bar with cutlery and you got to eat whatever you could cut, I imagine that was used to teach cutlery skills!?

Theres some great you tube videos too which she might respond to better than you teaching her!? (My son would!)

well how does she use cutlery.
is it really an issue.
do not cause upset at the table; that is unfair and can lead to eating disorders.
if you think she is lacking a skill that you haven't bothered to teach til now, then whose fault if fault it be, is that ?
dont upset the child or put her off her food.
just emphasise general principles of being considerate, and model that too, pass things, speak gently, and give time to listen to answers.
how would you treat an honoured guest at your table.
do so to her.
let her ask you for advice on techniques with cutlery.

I had so many arguments with my dad about this when I was younger. I just couldn’t get my hands to stay the way he said they should. I have no SEN or fine motor delays/issues.

Found out years later that I’m hypermobile, especially in my hands. Still can’t use my knife and fork the way he tried to show me.

Be gentle, OP. It made me feel like crap and I’m still self-conscious about eating around people. I’m sure you are being a lot kinder than my dad was, but it’s something to bear in mind.

I really don’t understand why this is important? Most things can be eaten with a fork in one hand, we rarely use knives for eating our meals!

I think it's important. Say if you go out to dinner and order a steak and you have to hack away at it. It's a necessary social skill!

It is important if the eleven year old is stuffing food into their mouth like a toddler. Going to secondary school, the child needs to be able to eat with some manners, and that includes using cutlery when required. Or maybe they will eat pizza every day.

Ah, we are a veggie family - never thought about that - there’s not much vegetarian food that needs a knife but I suppose if steak is your thing then it is important. For me though there are far more important manners for kids than using cutlery in some arbitrary socially defined way.

I really don’t understand why this is important? Most things can be eaten with a fork in one hand, we rarely use knives for eating our meals!

Don't you ever eat anything that needs to be cut up? I'm about to sit down to a baked potato and a portion of chicken. I couldn't eat either of those without a knife.

Just have cutlery put at every meal and let her use what she wants.

I always got nagged for my cutlery use (hypermobile and ambidextrous) when I was a child. I still use the "wrong" hands now and hold them differently but no one has commented on it as an adult. Tbf if they did I'll tell them to do one.

Also I've worked as a chef and it had no impact on my ability to chop things up.

Do you all eat together? If so then she’ll see you eating and can follow your example.

arbitrary socially defined way

It’s not arbitrary. It’s about effectively cutting up food and transferring it to your mouth in order to eat it, and to eat it without disgusting the people you are eating with. I’ve spent years in primary schools watching children attacking school dinners ineffectually because a parent couldn’t be bothered to teach them how to use cutlery. It’s both a practical and social skill which is worth learning and therefore, worth teaching your child BEFORE they start primary school, not secondary school.

My son has manners, he takes his plate out etc, can go out to a restaurant beautifully, he's just not bothered about a knife. He can use a knife to butter his bread and make a sandwich, he just doesnt use it in a meal naturally. Agree there are way more important things about a meal, and about manners than cutlery. And I cant see why anyone would order a steak!
It is a societal/cultural thing only, Pleanty of cutlures dont use knives and forks, although I can see why getting the skill for secondary school is worthwhile.
But its not essential to be 'perfect' - I still eat with the 'wrong' hands and it makes no sense to me why it would matter, no one has ever commented on it.
Id defo take a gentle approach, let her watch you tube, encourage practice and make it a summer skill to learn in certain situations. Defo dont make her feel bad about it. Maybe try doing something fun, like if she uses her knife and fork, youl eat with chopsticks, etc, show that its a hard skill to master!

So if it’s not arbitrary, why do the fork and knife need to be in specific hands? What’s wrong with using the side of your fork to cut up soft things? Why would that disgust others?

I’m not saying I/we never us a knife - baked potato is one example as pp said. And it’s not that I can’t be bothered to teach my children - they are keen to learn to butter bread and cut things at 5 and 2 so I’m sure it will naturally evolve without me making them feel they are unmannerly if they get it wrong.

My dd struggled with learning the knife skills, then when she was having school dinners in reception and year 1 she wanted to be able to cut her sausages herself! So she made it a resolution and we just really encouraged her to try. She had managed it by the end of year 1. She can cut her food fine, but is a bit cackhanded about it. I gently point out occasionally when she needs to make pieces a bit smaller, but don’t stress about it.

I certainly had no idea that a child not using cutlery would disgust others!

I certainly had no idea that a child not using cutlery would disgust others!

Spend some time in a school dining hall then. It’s not pleasant.

Hopelcearwater, when I worked in an African school, cutlery was non existent, and this was completely not on my radar. It just doesn't seem that important to me.

@scully29 mmm, a full roast dinner and gravy without cutlery. Nice.

yes fair dos, different meals in different schools i guess! no roast dinners in mine!

My DS10 has this problem and even worse he uses his right hand to keep food in his mouth so one hand becomes dirty. We've tried everything and he knows what to do but keeps reverting back to what feels easiest. He was in nursery from 6 months old to school full time and I think that's why he has always preferred finger foods.
It's driving us potty but he's starting to feel down about it.