I posted this elsewhere but realised would be better here so sorry for posting twice.
Im just looking for some advice really. Single mom to a ten and twelve year old and I'm just so stressed right now, it's making me ill. I feel like obviously somewhere along the line massively messed up when it comes to parenting, I'm sure some of it is normal pre teen/older kid stuff but surely not all of it: constantly arguing, deliberately winding each other up, making negative comments, drama, leaving crap everywhere (clothes, wrappers plates etc), I ask them to put something away and it'll be "in a minute" if I tell them to do it right away they either pretend they didn't hear and walk away or will give me so much grief before only half doing whatever it is, always "bored" (unless on tech) despite numerous suggestions of activities, when we fo out it's nice but it takes them literally hours to get dressed and ready unless it's something they want to do in which case they can easily get dressed and ready in 10 mins-so weekends get wasted, so unappreciative, poor hygiene, wanting to be on tech all the time but the times I just give up and let them on there my 10 year old in particular gets really verbally aggressive despite not actually playing violent games, I've hidden tech devices before in places I considered very well hidden/high places etc my ten year old has literally climbed up cabinets/furniture etc way past bedtime and when I'm asleep and got the electric devices and plays through the night or stolen my old phones etc to play on apps then will hide them, they try to dictate to me, wasting meals and snacking on junk (I try not to buy snacks now then they complain I'm starving them despite them always having three meals a day plus constant access to fruit veg bread etc), I can spend a whole day tidying and deep cleaning the whole house just for them to trash it within half an hour...the list goes on. I know covid/lockdown has been tough on kids and being a pre teen with all the hormonal changes etc is hard too but it shocks me just how much their personalities have changed in such a short time, they've always been a little bit messy but they were always such kind considerate creative kids and now they're just rude most of the time unless they want something in which case they act all sweet til the second they get it then revert back to being rude, my ten year old has literally kept me up all night/morning giving me grief about things he wasn't allowed to have or do, if I shut my door he will bash it (I've threatened to call the police on him once, he just gave me more grief suggesting I'd be a bad person if I called the police on my own child). It's almost like they've decided being nice doesn't gain anymore than being nasty so may as well be nasty. I'm constantly on about being positive, kind, loving each other (we are all we've got), having productive and happy days etc. I'm so stressed as it's constant. I have a friend who visits regularly (maybe once a week/fortnight) and has been my support bubble or whatever it's called during covid and they get horrified by the way the kids talk to me and treat our home etc. I only get a break when they very occasionally will go out with friends. They're just out of control now and despite trying numerous different techniques ( I like to think I'm fair, not too strict but not soft) it just seems to be getting worse. I've tried to be stricter, softer, ask if there's anything wrong making them act out, we do mindfulness books etc, even sat them down and had a serious chat with them re my own health (I have long term health issues) and they just don't seem to care. It worries me if they're like this now what will they be like in a few years fine. Where have I gone wrong and how can I put it right?