Sibling issues

[funtimefrank]

I have yr 6 twin girls. They can be super close but also really really wind each other up.

Dd2 has a temper and lashes out physically whereas Dd1 is much sneakier and winds her sister up no end with little insidious things (hair pulling, copying what she says, blocking the door etc) but always when we can't see.

How to deal? We have done a lot with dd2 on her temper and she is so much better with everyone except her sister who is her trigger. Dd2 regularly gets told off/punished because it is really visible iyswim - no mistaking her pushing her sister into the bathroom door. But Dd1 is sneaky and does things when we dont see them. Dd2 will tell me and Dd1 gets all wide eyed and innocent and I have no proof.

I spend my life talking to both. My parents left us to sibling scraps as did dhs but we weren't like this. I am worried I'm getting it wrong - Dd2 feels like only she gets told off and Dd1 feels like we are not stopping Dd2. It is also incredibly wearing - I am quite a calm and even person and this constant refereeing is doing my nut in (dh just gets snappy).

Both girls are otherwise genuinely lovely elsewhere with family and friends and as I say can be very close and no one gets between them. Lock down/being in the same bubble/not having any space has obviously really made it worse. Both off to secondary in sept where I suspect they will be quite separate which I am hoping desperately will help.

As I have been typing, Dd1 has just painted dd2s leg with nail varnish but it was an 'accident'. Sigh......

Mine aren't twins but behaved very much like this for quite a while.

Just wanted to give you hope that they are beginning to do it less. I think it's partly maturity and partly because they are no longer trapped in the house with us 24/7.

Do you feel it is balanced or is one always getting the upper hand? If it's the former I'd be inclined to sit them both down, agree some basic ground rules with them (including no teasing of the sort DD1 does, and you will be the judge of what's deliberate!), write those down and then leave them to it most of the time.

Do they get enough space from each other? Different bedrooms, activities/clubs, friends?

Interesting re balance. I'd say we are equally bad tbh - Dd2 gets the more verbal reprimands because she pushes and kicks and dd1 thinks we let her get away with it. We don't but it's very hard when frankly dd1 has provoked Dd2 unbearably.

Different hobbies and will be different classes at secondary but same friend group at school. I just pray we'll get distance in September

I'm sure having more space will help. I was just asking because I look after identical twins (although they are a bit younger) and I tend not to get involved when they clash. They're the same size/weight/intelligence so it's not the same as needing to step in when there's an older child vs. a younger one. Of course there are ground rules and generally they get on well, but I'm usually surprised by how fast they work out disagreements between themselves if I leave them to it. If they get into a scuffle and one hurts the other, I might hear a wail but usually by the time I've got halfway there the offender's apologised, the injured party's accepted the apology and they're both over it. FWIW they are in different classes at school and they are always treated as individuals by their friends and family - no matching outfits, shared presents or anything like that.

Do each of your girls get 1:1 time with you? Maybe that would also help.