How to start allowing a bit of independence

[Wantingtogetitright]

My son is 10 and I’m starting to think that in the next year or so he will want some independence.

I have to be honest and say that the thought of even allowing him to walk 3 minutes to the shop at the end of our street (two roads to cross - small residential and main road with green man) scares me absolutely shitless. Of course he knows how to cross a road and when we are out he likes to ‘be in charge of the road’ and tells us when it’s safe to cross but what about that one car he just doesn’t see coming because it came up too quickly?

There’s also the stranger thing which I know is unlikely and if anything like that was to happen it’s much more likely to be someone we know but there’s always that chance.

I trust him completely. He is a sensible boy with a strong sense of right and wrong and I know he is aware that I am anxious so I will really need to try and allow this to start happening before it’s too late and it’s not the local park he wants to go to but on the train to the cinema in the city centre sort of thing. We need to build it up but it’s going to be such a struggle.

I would love to hear how you began this process with your children.

We don’t live where he goes to school so he doesn’t walk to school and doesn’t know any of the children in this town to even meet anyone at the park or walk with them or anything like that which probably makes it trickier.

We don’t live where he goes to school so he doesn’t walk to school and doesn’t know any of the children in this town to even meet anyone at the park or walk with them or anything like that which probably makes it trickier.

That does make it way more tricky.

It's normal for you to feel some anxiety over letting him go alone but it's a normal part of development. You don't want to still be waking him to the shop when he's 20

I'd just start by letting him go to the shop, your nerves will probably be fraught but it's extremely unlikely that he will have anything happen.

If it makes you feel better get him a mobile phone and use find my friends so that you can see where he is and install What 3 Words in case you need to go and pick him up and he's not sure where he is.

Has he a phone? If not I think that will make you feel better about letting him out.

Start by sending him out to post letters. Then a short errand to get something from the shop and build your confidence up from there (because let's face it, this is about your confidence, not his!).

Thanks both.

No phone yet but I’d be happy to get one just for this situation.

Yes, the issues are absolutely mine rather than his! He’d be off like a shot if I let him.

So is 10 (was 10 in Feb) old enough for a walk to the shop or postbox or give it another few months?

I have an 11 year old DD. She started to walk to the local shop when she was 10 (maybe 9 I can't quite remember). It sounds a similar distance away to yours, there are two roads to cross one of which is quite easy because it's one way. I think it is a good age to start doing this, because they need to start adapting to more independence in good time before secondary school.
If you feel uncomfortable the first few times then follow him at a distance.

I started by letting DD go into our local (small) town with a friend for a few hours. Pick up and drop off by us.
The shop is a reasonable short errand. I would allow that.
Does he have friends not too far away that he could arrange to meet in a park or similar? You could take him, be nearby but not with him? Then collect again after a couple of hours?
I would probably give him a phone if alone so he could contact you.

10 is definitely not too young!

Both mine started walking to and from school at that age (20 mins)

DS switched to a local indy secondary school which started at Y6 so he was travelling to school via train and bus on the edge of London at that age!

Start by going to the shop with him for milk for example, and letting him walk home alone and you follow a few minutes later. Then the other way round... send him ahead, meet at the till when he's got your milk. Then let him do the whole journey.

the train to the cinema in the city centre

That's a decent thing to take gradually. Especially if he will go to the cinema frequently, say weekly with the following steps:

• you take him (and friend), take him in, pay. Let him watch the film without you. Then meet him afterwards and take home.

• you take him, drop off our side cinema. He buys own ticket and goes in. Meet him afterwards and and take home.

• you take him to train station and put him on a train with ticket. You drive to city centre and meet him there to check he's safe. Meet him after film and put him on train home.

• you take him to train station and put him on a train with ticket. You drive to city centre and meet him there to check he's safe but then go home. He phones you when out of cinema and he does the journey home independently

• you take him to train station and then expect text updates from him as he gets to cinema, film finishes etc, while you stay at home

• You take to train station and go home, with an agreed time he will be home.

So is 10 (was 10 in Feb) old enough for a walk to the shop or postbox or give it another few months.

Definitely old enough. Both of mine were doing a 15 minute walk to school in Year 6.

So is 10 (was 10 in Feb) old enough for a walk to the shop or postbox or give it another few months.

100% old enough for this now. DS is 11 next month. He has been walking to and from school, walking to his friends houses and his grandparents on the other edge of town and going to the corner shop and farmers' market for me for a year now. Next thing I want him to do is take himself to the barber, just so I can stop going with him!

However, he does have a phone and we live in a very safe little market town. Not sure I'd be letting him do quite so much if we lived in a city.

I started letting my daughter walk to the shop up the road from us when she was 10, but that was with a friend and she took a mobile phone with her. The first couple of times I pretty much spoke to her on the phone her the whole way there and back 🙈 After a few trips to the shop it was then a trip to the park etc, gradually got easier.

Can you have a friend round one day and let them go together?

It terrified me and still does sometimes, but I know I have to sit back and let her have some independence now she's starting secondary school. I just make sure she is with friends, has her phone and is contactable, crosses at traffic lights/crossings etc. Also there are loads of apps where you can track their phone - my DD knows it's on there, but it just puts you at ease a bit being able to see where they are

Ah OP my DD is 11 and is starting secondary in September. She still hasn't been out on her own. Its tricky as she doesn't have any friends locally and we live next to a very busy road. But I'm hoping she can arrange to meet some friends in town over the summer. I think I will walk her into town, let her hang out with her friends and then meet her to bring her home.

It absolutely petrifies me but I know I have to let her have some independence!

It’s hard to let go and let them have their first little bit of independence. I think the most difficult part is admitting to yourself that something might happen, you just have to accept that they are at an age where you need to let them manage that risk.

MIL tells a funny story of when DH (her first born) was about 8/9 and wanted to walk to the shops by himself, she put on a coat and her hood up and followed him secretly hiding behind corners!

I think 10 is a good age, and it’s a great idea to get him a phone (even a cheap one, you can get them for about £20) so he knows he can ring you if there’s any emergency.

@Kanaloa

It’s hard to let go and let them have their first little bit of independence. I think the most difficult part is admitting to yourself that something might happen, you just have to accept that they are at an age where you need to let them manage that risk.

MIL tells a funny story of when DH (her first born) was about 8/9 and wanted to walk to the shops by himself, she put on a coat and her hood up and followed him secretly hiding behind corners!

I think 10 is a good age, and it’s a great idea to get him a phone (even a cheap one, you can get them for about £20) so he knows he can ring you if there’s any emergency.

My dad did this with my DD once, he secretly followed her to the shop to make sure she got there ok. It was all fine until she decided to run on the way back - i've never seen him move so fast trying to get home before her without being spotted 😂

We’ve recently let my dd age 11 go into local town as she finally has met a couple of girls that are happy in her company! I worried the first couple of times esp warning of stranger danger. We make sure she has the phone and some money in case she needs it eg for taxi. Usually we prespecify what time we’ll pick her is as local town is 3-4 miles away. Right now they just hang about the park and will occasionally go for chips or ice cream. So far so good. Have started to worry less. We live in a rural area though so many round and about know the kids etc