Transition from 8 to 9 years old - is it inevitably hell?

[dameofdilemma]

Am at my wits end with 9 yr old dd. Every day feels like a battle at the moment. Endless mood swings, with a lot more downs than ups.

Six months ago dd was a generally upbeat 8 year old, into playing with friends, playing with Lego etc, would play board games with us, go for days out with us etc.

Now she doesn't seem interested in anything much apart from screen time (which we've always rationed). Every day is a constant demand for screen time with endless sulking when its denied.
Every suggested activity is met with flat refusal. She shuts herself in her room either listening to music or reading. (At least she's reading).
(School is fine according to her teachers, she's doing really well academically and (apparently) socially.)

She still likes playing with her friends but seems to go into a sulk if things don't go exactly her way.
Eg dd chose to have a day out with her friend and a sleepover for her birthday. Half way through the day went into a sulk for hours.
She chose a day out over half term with her friend - same thing.
She really wasn't like this before.

She seems to have lost all ability to compromise or be reasonable. Endless sulking if she's asked to do anything she doesn't want to do - eg getting dressed, doing homework, brushing teeth etc.

We don't overload her with activities - she only does swimming, cubs and a drama club. Even the drama club (which she asked to go to) she no longer likes as she doesn't like the part she was given in the play, so will be giving it up.

I asked some friends how they manage and most confessed that what saved them was their kids doing lots of gym/dance/sports clubs. It gives them something structured to do at weekends, tires them out and they earn their screen time.

Dd flatly refuses to do any of these anymore. She used to do after school clubs in gym and drama but everything stopped in March 2020 and isn't likely to restart. She used to do a sport but gave it up at the same time.
Dd has refused to do anything other than swimming and to be fair, if she started any of those clubs now she would be a beginner with 5 year olds.

We're tried talking calmly to her about considering other's feelings, not taking anger out on others (eg her friends), trying to explain what is making you feel sad/angry to see if others can help etc.
We've talked about the importance of patience, compromise, empathy etc. She seems to understand it and be sorry but the next day its the same thing all over again.

Dp says to leave her to her own devices and she'll get so bored she'll learn to compromise. I just want a calm, happy household again.

I have never heard of 8-9 being a difficult time. My dd is 17 and ds is 10.

I can't say I noticed any particular bug changes then. Dd went through something similar in year leading to her periods though.

If shevdoesnr want to go to clubs, I don't think booking more will help. It will cause more tension and shows her she doesn't get to make decisions about her own life.

She just needs to know that you love her, even if you don't like her behaviour and have set some rules and stick by them.

I didn't experience this with my 9 year old, although he is a boy. I noticed an increase in attitude but with firm boundaries in place this doesn't happen too often.

I would look at making her earn her screen time through reasonable behaviour. Focus on joining in with the family, no sulking and working hard to compromise when things don't work out. I think she is far too young to be shutting herself off in her room and I would ban this from happening before a certain time. So perhaps after dinner she can go to her room if she likes but the rest of the day she must spend downstairs with the family.

Girls hot puberty younger and younger these days. It snot uncommon for periods to start in primary school now.

When was she 9?

And YY to not allowing her to be shit in her room. If she wants to read or listen to music, she can do it downstairs, surely?

She really wasn't like this before.

I would be looking at external factors. This is a dramatic change, what's happened?

I wouldn't allow her to give up drama. It's about being part of a group/production, you don't always get to choose your part but it still contributes to the whole. It's a life lesson. And if screen time makes her grumpy, cut it right down.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/preteens/1799608-Horrible-9-year-old-dd

I had a look back at some older threads and found some useful advice in this one. Also reassuring to see others going through similar experiences (the ice creams example struck a chord...).

Re drama club - having been to the end of term show and seen dd looking utterly miserable throughout, I think perhaps best she drops it for now. She's reached the 'everything is embarrassing' pre-teen stage while many of the others are at younger and still smiley (which she used to be).

"This is a dramatic change, what's happened?"

Absolutely nothing I can think of. No change in school, friends, home, our work, dp and I - nothing.
If it had happened during or in between the lockdowns or shortly after, I could link it to that.

Ok, I’ll bite. Yes, my DD’s behaviour did become more sulky and uncooperative around that age and lockdowns certainly haven’t helped since then. I don’t actually know why, I don’t believe it is puberty for her yet. She is an angel at school, an angel on play dates. But at home she really pushed the boundaries.

To be fair, she has improved since she turned 10. Mainly because I follow through in threats. But I do also allow her as much choice and independence as i can. Being trusted to walk to her Gran’s house, to school and to cycle on her own and with friends, to go to the nearby park and play without supervision has made a massive difference. I think she needed to feel some freedom, if that makes sense.

In exchange for the freedom I’ve given her more responsibility for her own things, and more chores.

I can’t say I have any advice other than, hold your nerve. This is not a good age to let boundaries slip, and not a good age to let your authority be undermined, as it sets a dangerous precedent for entering the really difficult teenage years.

None of mine were like this at 8-9, no. Having taught that age, I know hormones can kick in a bit at this sort of time though. I’d be encouraging her to meet up with friends and find out what she’d like to do.

Scouts/Cubs etc isn’t a bad idea of something active to do that you don’t have to be ‘good’ at anything in particular for!