Preteens
Perfectionist Daughter any tips?
NCwhatsmynameagain · 23/06/2021 22:04
My 10yr old DD seems to be a textbook perfectionist- focuses on the thing tgat went wrong not the 99 that were right.
If things didn’t go completely perfectly she can’t celebrate her own success; and I don’t want her to feel like this, I want her to be able to embrace positives not dwell on the negatives.
I’m hoping for some tips, anyone found ways of helping their children to be less self critical, kinder to themselves ?
BunnyRuddington · 24/06/2021 17:21
I've not got any experience of this sorry but didn't want you to go unanswered. If you ask MNHQ to move this over to the Preteens section, you might get a few more replies 
NCwhatsmynameagain · 24/06/2021 17:53
Oh thank you!! I didn’t even know about that bit :)
LucysSkyDiamonds · 28/06/2021 17:08
11 yo dd is very similar. At one stage her homework was taking nearly 3 hours because of the checking, rubbing out, fixing, repeat cycle. We've moved to timers for a lot of things. I give a very clear idea of how long she has to do the task and we plan the stages if needed. I also asked her teacher to focus on her process rather than output as she was getting lots of praise on her beautiful handwriting and presentation which was counter productive. It's small steps though.
languagelover96 · 29/06/2021 08:02
Try pointing out the positives etc. You could also talk to her teacher as well.
1940s · 29/06/2021 08:40
Look into growth mindset for children / education. Helps break out of comfort zone so will in theory see a child excellent at maths joining a football team to learn how to 'learn / grow / get things wrong'
I've summarised very crudely but look into it
Bancha · 29/06/2021 08:56
I would also look at what you are modelling. Are you self-deprecating? Do you make negative comments about yourself? Can you take a compliment? Are you able to have a go at stuff you don’t feel confident at? I’m not making any assumptions here, just wondering. Children will learn to value what you value, so it could be that she is picking this up from you. It also means that if you make a big effort to model not being a perfectionist, she will be (positively) impacted by that, as well.
So, for example, if you made dinner and someone said it was really good, instead of saying “oh no, the potatoes aren’t really crispy enough”, you could say “thanks! It’s nice, isn’t it? I’m really pleased with the vegetables but I think next time I’m going to try X to get the potatoes a bit crispier.” Apologies for the awful example, but hopefully you get the gist!
NCwhatsmynameagain · 29/06/2021 10:42
Thanks so much for all the advice.
@LucysSkyDiamonds process rather than output is a good thing to focus on. I think I need the toner thing for myself.
@languagelover96 my frustration is that I point out positives all the time, and if anything it actually annoys my daughter, she basically said she wants to be able to complain about some aspect of her work without feeling like I’m always going to point out another positive.. but of course I would, what else would I do!
@1940s I will definitely look into that, really interesting. She does not like to even try things she thinks she won’t be good at.
@Bancha ok this is a really good point. Actually I’m very self-critical in terms of things that I do, and I also probably don’t try with things I don’t think I’ll succeed at. I’m cringing now.
Bancha · 29/06/2021 11:38
The reason for my comment was that my mum was the exact same when I was growing up. Still is now! And it affected me and my sister a lot.
How can your DD believe in herself if the best person in the world - her own mum - thinks she’s useless?
I have had to do a lot of work to relearn that automatic self deprecating thinking, and to build up the confidence to try and not do well, or go out of my comfort zone. But I am a lot happier for it. Maybe building your own self esteem and confidence would help your DD with hers.
EllaBlaire · 29/06/2021 11:44
“my frustration is that I point out positives all the time, and if anything it actually annoys my daughter, she basically said she wants to be able to complain about some aspect of her work without feeling like I’m always going to point out another positive.. but of course I would, what else would I do!”
Sorry but this does sound like it would be quite annoying… your daughter is even telling you that.
That’s nothing more irritating than just wanting to have a little moan and someone minimising your grievance and being relentlessly positive.
Maybe you could just listen and then ask her to think of an aspect that she was pleased with as well (after the complaining).
Bibbetybobbity · 29/06/2021 11:58
Could you find a sport or activity that she can do for fun and it doesn’t matter that she’s not going to be perfect? Even crazy golf etc. Just to reset the idea that things all have to be done perfectly? I have seen perfectionism become really unmanageable and challenging with older teens, so I do think you’re right to try and tackle.
LlamaofDrama · 29/06/2021 12:13
My 11yo DD is just like this, and one of her music teachers gets her to list 2 things she did well and two that she will do differently to improve them next time (and what she will do differently). That seems to help, it forces her to find and say things she does well while letting her develop ther ability to constructively criticise her work. Might that help?
I think articulating what you've done well is also important. It's so annoyingly stereotypically female to be unable to take compliments on your work and also to sit in a review and struggle to say "actually, I did this really well".
NCwhatsmynameagain · 29/06/2021 13:03
@Bancha thank you, that is so helpful
@EllaBlaire fair enough, it probably is annoying. It feels wrong to let her vent about how useless or terrible she was at something when it was honestly superb, on the basis of maybe one little mistake. But yes she needs to feel heard too.
@Bibbetybobbity we’ve just started a new activity that is not something she’s naturally gravitate towards, I hope to reinforce the message that it’s for fun and hopefully not another thing she wants to be perfect at!
@LlamaofDrama I really agree. She finds it very very difficult to just say, I did a great job. But as PP has made me realise, I am exactly the same 
so I really need to try and model this better for her. That idea from the teacher is a good one
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