DD and Friendships and my resilience.

[Unomum21]

Mumsnet
Premium

Hello

1st time poster, so could be doing this all wrong. Anyway, looking for advice or help for me and my 9yr DD.

DD seems to struggling with friendship groups, she's coming home saying her 'friends' leave her out of games, or say oh we'll play with you tomorrow. I've also noticed she's no longer being invited to her birthday party's (since we can start a outdoor activities), she tells me this and says thing like 'well friend would've invited me but they knew I have dancing on Saturday or I'll have you over for a tea another time' etc. I feel like they are making excuses and she's happy to take them at face value. She's started getting very upset at school drop off, she's always been quite emotional but its quite bad at the moment. I can see the friends that she wants to play with are a tad mean and just ignore her (she'll say oh they can't hear me).

Anyway, I've given her some tips for communicating with others and encouraged her play with others and it's semi working. My main concern now is that it is affecting her confidence in the classroom and outside (the teacher has mentioned this to me). Furthermore, I'm really upset by this and it has affected my mental health quite badly as I'm ruminating on all her interactions, and catastrophising about her future mental health. My oh is supportive but thinks I'm reading far too much into it. I can't really talk to me friends who are local because they are the mums of these girls and to be honest I know they'll gossip about it to each other. This is causing me to avoid them and dread school runs etc..

I should say I don't think the girls are bullying or mean, they just don't want to play with DD.

Any advice on how to cope would be appreciated.
Tia xx

So sorry this is happening. Sounds like you're doing a great job. She will get through this and things will get better- it's about this time that queen bees and cliques form. I had the same with my DD and was completely stressed out about it It. I'd really recommend reading the Friendship Maze. It really helped me and two years down the line all the friendship groups have changed and things are fine- same will happen for you and your DD I'm sure. Good luck x

My dd had the same problem at that age - her two best friends at school suddenly didn’t want to play with her and she had a rotten time for a while. You sound like you’re doing the right thing.
It does get better. My dd is now in year 7 and has a fabulous (but different!) group of friends.
She found the Smart Girl’s Guide books useful. American but relatable.
There is a whole range but this one was the one we started with.
A Smart Girl's Guide: Friendship Troubles: Dealing with Fights, Being Left Out, and the Whole Popularity Thing (Smart Girl's Guide To...) www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1609582233/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_1GJQ1CT5JMKC9F8YFGEA?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

We had this with ds at that age and it was tough. You sound like you are doing all the right things. I talked to the school about trying to encourage my ds to play with other children. Really there is very little you can do other than be supportive. As has been said when ds got to secondary school he found his tribe, it is not huge but he had good friends now. You just have to help her ride the storm. Oh and do not worry too much, let the school deal with issues and try and maintain your friendship with the other mums, although it can be hard to do.

It's a really difficult age. You sound lovely. I'd probably make an effort to arrange a few play dates if you can OP.

Thanks for your lovely responses, this has made me feel a bit better.

I've not read friendship maze Bluestargazer so that sounds worth it!

Queen I'll definitely get those as well, I got her Girl squad which I think has helped, she loves a book so it's a good strategy for here. The situation is exactly that 2 good friends just deciding they don't want her to play anymore (,unless one is away then they ask her again, which is confusing for her!).
I was not looking forward to secondary but perhaps this will be good thing for her!
I've arranged a couple of playdates Expulso as you suggested, I just don't want to put pressure on the situation and as I mentioned I overanalyze the interactions so I find it stressful - which is probably doing no good to me or her! Thanks so much replying! Xx

I was exactly the same as you with the over analysing. It's definitely difficult with the parents and I found that the beet thing for me was to step away from most of them, and found that as things changed I bonded with others. The friendship maze really helped me to understand the psychology behind the friendship issues, get things into perspective and help navigate my daughter through it. She's actually a lot more resilient as a result. Queen bees and wannabes is good too. I highlighted sections of both books and kept going back to them. They were very reassuring for me and I'll dig them back out if any issues come up in future (I'm sure they will!). Let us know how you get on! You'll both get through it x

@BlueStargazer

I was exactly the same as you with the over analysing. It's definitely difficult with the parents and I found that the beet thing for me was to step away from most of them, and found that as things changed I bonded with others. The friendship maze really helped me to understand the psychology behind the friendship issues, get things into perspective and help navigate my daughter through it. She's actually a lot more resilient as a result. Queen bees and wannabes is good too. I highlighted sections of both books and kept going back to them. They were very reassuring for me and I'll dig them back out if any issues come up in future (I'm sure they will!). Let us know how you get on! You'll both get through it x

Yes this really chimes with me, particularly with the mum friends, I'm struggling to 'enjoy' their company at the moment, so it is probably time to step back and focus other friendships for myself..

The over thinking things is a real problem because i end up (as my oh says!) Micro managing her interactions and that's not helpful, as Mumonthehill notes, i probably need to ride it out. Having some books to read and refer would be good for me in the meantime!

So is queenbees and wannabes 2 separate books? Or the title of one? I definitely need something that's going to reassure me a bit or else the teen years are going to be a nightmare for me!

Your response has really helped me to see it's not all bad times ahead. I'm actually very grateful she does talk to me about these things and I don't think she's as upset about it as me. X

It's one book. A bit American but really helpful. I've also been guilty of micro managing (still do it!) but you can't when she's in school and you'll find it won't be long until they all start to get more independent. You have Less opportunity to micromanage then and also friendships change. Girls no longer play with who their parents arrange a play date with and the cliques lose their grip.

Ps definitely not all bad times ahead, it will change! I wish I knew then what I know now and saved myself all the stress! X

Yeah I know I can't arrange playdate with 'my friends' kids forever, and it's confusing if they play with her at a playdate but not at school.. so I'm keen for her to find her own way. I think it's difficult because she feels she got try and get into another group.. thanks again Bluestargazer! You've really made my weekend time a less fretful! X

Those SmartGirls books really helped my daughter

@buckleten

Those SmartGirls books really helped my daughter

Thanks Buckleten I'll look at getting that one. X

Thanks I am finding this post super helpful as have something very similar going on here.

These posts could have been written by me. Going through the same thing and I'm finding it so heartbreaking. I will try those books too, thank you all x

Sadly, with girls especially, friendship issues can be ongoing. In Primary school my DD had periods of this happening. Senior school it’s been horrendous. It seems as soon as one crisis is over a new one starts. I honestly thought by year 10 friendships would be settled and they would have all matured a bit. My dd can’t wait to leave school next year. She is much better at dealing with it all now and is slowly learning to keep her friendship group small and ignore the small things.

What I have learned

Don’t approach the other parents about issue
Present breezy positive attitude with child and other parents
Build up your own child’s confidence so they less needy. If they don’t need the other kids weirdly they become more appealing to them
Don’t catastrophise this is so common with girls it’s almost universal!

Oh and music helps. When dd2 felt down we listened to Taylor swift “Best Day” and “Mean” cheered us up anyway! Hence my user name!

This is normal and you will need to learn to let go but it's hard when you see your DC upset. Does she do any out of school activities like Brownies where she could make other friends? This might help.

Hate to say it but they need to build up resilience. 13 can be tough. We thought we were over it then dd2 friendship group imploded out of nowhere - she’s strong cried for a few days now rebuilding with new friends. We broke our no alcohol in the week rule a few times over this..!

Such a helpful post and replies. I am so guilty of overthinking things and worrying about my 10 year old son's friendships.... you aren't alone in these worries (and I feel so much better to know I'm not alone ). I'm definitely going to read the Friendship Maze!

Although don’t let on to your kids that this stuff upsets you as don’t think it helps and as they get older they might hide stuff to protect you 🙁. Tricky balance between sympathetic and listening but abit of sod them you will be fine is needed too.

Dh coached dd2 through the latest friendship nightmare told her what to say etc enabling her to deal with it herself. This is not easy!

I agree with MsTSwift that they really have to build up resilience as this sort of stuff can go on until the 6th form (at least). I also agree in stepping back, not engaging with other parents about it however desperate you might feel and building up confidence in other areas. Karate really helped one of mine.

Out of school clubs have been so beneficial to my daughter. Some of her best friends are from these clubs - makes the school drama less important somehow.

My dd has issues also at school. She is 11 and one of kids put poisoned pen letter in her tray who she gave to the teacher. Teacher phoned us about it and said inexcusable and we told her of the issues she’d been having throughout. Sometimes it’s just girls as you say leaving her out but at other times we’re hounding her in the playground and skirting her . Not nice! Teacher helped her by joking a friend ship circle and held to know others in her year are struggling. They also put her in touch with an external youth group where she has made some slightly unusual (a bit like her) characters but they are hanging out and actually look genuinely happy to see her. This is building her confidence a bit but still doesn’t have any friends in her school to speak of! She’s going in final year of primary so hoping she’ll have a clean start when she goes to high school. I think having girls takes you back to that time when we all had insecurities and issues with friends. The P7 now have a group on WhatsApp and a girl actually included her who USED to be her best friend a long time ago. I don’t approach the parents though.
There’s a girl at my daughters school who wouldn’t even partner my daughter when I volunteered to take them to the pool - the girls mother works for the external youth group helping the misunderstood teachers!