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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

Work and school runs

38 replies

Dontknowowt · 10/05/2021 03:00

Bit complicated but...

I have two children - 11 and 14. A controlling ex who hates my guts. Arrangements are changing from 7 years of being 50/50 to 14 yo seeing me just every other weekend and 11 yo every other week Weds-Sun. This was decided by courts as it is (apparently) the boys wishes.

From September this year, 11 yo will be attending same school as his older brother.

The older son will of course be collected at 3.30pm every day by his dad.

Problem is the 11 yo and pick up time Wednesday and Thursday (I don't work Fridays so non-issue).

My hours of work are school time 8.30-4pm min and these are non-negotiable. School finishes at 3.30pm.

What my eldest used to do between 3.30pm and 4pm-ish was go to after-school hub to do some homework, he was more than happy with that until I could pick him up. My work is about 8 mins drive from his school.

However, I know my ex will say he is to pick both boys up so that youngest doesn't have to wait for me to finish work and then drop him over when I'm home around 5pm.

Now this may on the surface sound reasonable. You haven't met my ex! He has deliberately messed up my kids to have less contact with me as is and I know him interfering with the contact I have remaining will just make matters worse.

I can't afford not to work but I can't afford to lose my youngest any more either.

What should I do?

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 14/05/2021 05:39

Could you instruct your DS to immediately wait in the school library until your agreed time when you will arrive? Would he do that? At his age he is old enough to be told why.

Supernova321 · 14/05/2021 09:45

How can you predict what your ex is going to say 4 months in advance? He was obviously ok for your eldest to attend the after school classes what makes you think it would be different this time? Maybe it’s worth asking your youngest what he would like to do too?

Original poster
Dontknowowt · 15/05/2021 08:36

@Christmasfairy2020 It has gone through court. Being his mum makes no difference. It never has because they have a dad who wants them (to punish me).

OP posts:
Original poster
Dontknowowt · 15/05/2021 08:38

@ Supernova321 Because he deliberately causes trouble at every turn.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dontknowowt · 15/05/2021 08:39

@kittenhug Thank you. Nobody from his primary is going to his secondary so he doesn't know any of the other boys Sad

OP posts:
Supernova321 · 15/05/2021 08:50

What has the youngest said about this if you’ve discussed?

Original poster
Dontknowowt · 15/05/2021 08:53

@Supernova321 He will say dad has to collect him.

OP posts:
Supernova321 · 15/05/2021 11:56

If this is what he would like and your ex collecting him would potentially make life easier for you in terms of pick ups, I’d just go along with it. If you say No, you may alienate yourself if that is what your son would like?

Original poster
Dontknowowt · 15/05/2021 12:20

@Supernova321 The problem with that is that it gives dad even more time than he already has with him and he will absolutely begin to impose on the days I am supposed to have my youngest..
It will start off OK - say dropping him off at 4.30pm, but then it will get progressively later and later. He'll then be asking to keep him for dinner, progressing to overnights and so on...
Once you give him more power that's when things start to go wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dontknowowt · 15/05/2021 12:21

I'm more than happy to collect my youngest after I've finished work, he just needs to hold on for half hour.

OP posts:
Supernova321 · 15/05/2021 12:41

If you have a court order in place he won’t legally be allowed to encroach on your time without your permission. It may be simpler to just stick with the after school classes then as your eldest has done.

Original poster
Dontknowowt · 15/05/2021 12:47

@Supernova321 We do but he simply just breaches it. Often deliberately before a significant celebration or the day before Mother's Day etc.
I wish so much it would stop. It isn't fair on us.

OP posts:
BackAwayFatty · 15/05/2021 12:51

Can your son make is way to your work & wait for you there? How long would it take him to walk to you?

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