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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

11 year-old won't settle on his own

53 replies

Dontknowowt · 03/05/2021 16:59

My middle child suffers from anxiety and won't settle down to sleep without someone upstairs with him.
Guess I am best to go up with him at 9pm?
It does mean I get literally no time with my OH or to sit down and have a cuppa, but needs must right?

OP posts:
Notagain20 · 03/05/2021 18:12

[quote Dontknowowt]@SoMuchForSummerLove I've been criticised for not stopping up there with him when he needs me to. Apparently it means I'm not recognising his anxieties.[/quote]
Who has accused you of this?

Oblomov21 · 03/05/2021 18:21

This is just not ok, OP. You need help and support to implement coping strategies for him.

Hellocatshome · 03/05/2021 18:25

What has caused his recent anxiety? Is he being treated in anyway for it? What else does the anxiety cause? Or is it only a problem at bed time?

Upthewoodenstairs · 03/05/2021 18:31

Have nced for this OP but we have been going through this for the last year with 12yr old DD.

We have been getting support over the last 3 months from the school nursing team. I got a referral from the GP I think. We've been having Teams consultations and although I was quite sceptical we are seeing some progress.

DD actually found it quite helpful to talk to a neutral person as we had tried different approaches at home to no avail. We're not there yet but for the first time for a long time we are seeing some light at the end of the tunnel.

The school nurse explained that they deal with any physical or mental health concerns for school aged children and they don't have to go into school (which DD was petrified of as she didn't want her friends to know about her anxieties which were all around sleep).

Best of luck Flowers

WaterBottle123 · 03/05/2021 19:13

Well your partner should be doing half for a start!

ladygindiva · 03/05/2021 19:23

Dc 1 when very young used to want me near when she fell asleep I remember I used to set up the iron outside her room and leave her door open enough so she could see / hear my presence and use the time to get jobs done eg ironing also folding and putting away laundry etc would anything like this work? Then you could do a sort of gradual retreat.

Original poster
Dontknowowt · 03/05/2021 19:45

It's not as simple as getting him seen sadly as it's changing so his dad has majority care. He is on a waiting list to be seen at school but they have no concerns as he's a very bright boy. Mental health support is shocking.

OP posts:
Tambora · 03/05/2021 19:49

What is he anxious about?

Original poster
Dontknowowt · 03/05/2021 20:01

@Tambora The change in arrangement as it's been 50/50 for 7 yrs.

OP posts:
Hellocatshome · 03/05/2021 20:03

He is on a waiting list to be seen at school but they have no concerns as he's a very bright boy. Mental health support is shocking.

Could you afford some private counselling, my 11 year old went to a private counsellor it was £25 an hour due to them being able to access some sort of funding for him. He went 6 times so £150 and it was well worth the money. We now implement the techniques he was given by ourselves.

Hellocatshome · 03/05/2021 20:05

Why is it changing from 50/50? At 11 surely he has some say in it?

Original poster
Dontknowowt · 03/05/2021 20:06

@Hellocatshome I don't have much money but he is on a waiting list also to be seen privately. I will have to pay by myself for this despite dad being the RP.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dontknowowt · 03/05/2021 20:07

@Hellocatshome His brother wants to be with dad more so he wants to be with brother. Eldest son says he loves me but I had a baby which he didn't want.

OP posts:
Passthecake30 · 03/05/2021 20:08

I have a 11&13 yr old and tend to watch Netflix on my iPad with headphones on my bed for a bit after they’ve gone to bed. The eldest has reflux and just me being up there helps.

Original poster
Dontknowowt · 03/05/2021 20:10

@Passthecake30 We are going to try me going up tonight and see if that helps x

OP posts:
Original poster
Dontknowowt · 03/05/2021 21:31

@BurbageBrook I thought so too, but it's caused issues and the suggestion I'm not helping him with his anxiety by not staying up with him
So tonight I've done all of my bedtime routines and have come up to bed in my room with baby on boob. OH is just sorting the TV for me so we will see how tonight goes.

OP posts:
FizzingWhizzbee123 · 04/05/2021 22:05

I’m awful for “busy brain” at bedtime, I can’t switch off, mulling everything over. I’ve recently started using the Loóna app and finding it really really effective. I often don’t even finish a sleepscape, I find myself dozing off half way through and literally just put my phone down and shut my eyes. I know screens aren’t recommended close to bedtime but my phone has a bedtime screen setting to reduce blue light and I’d seen a really difference since using the app (especially to stop me doom scrolling or googling things that pop into my head, as I can’t do that while using the app!)

It’s a paid for app but comes with a free trial. The full version was offered at a reduced price if you cancel after the free trial and ignore the app for a few days. I think I paid £15 for the whole year, and considering I use it every night, it was money well spent. Might be worth to trying if audiobooks/mediations don’t hold his focus?

MinesAPintOfTea · 04/05/2021 22:13

If it's only a few nights a fortnight, then just roll with it? Surely your DP can cope the evenings you are there?

MinesAPintOfTea · 04/05/2021 22:29

I don't mean to be dismissive there. But if it's prominently at your house he wants the comfort and there's just been a reduction in the time he spends with you, is it general anxiety or wanting to feel more attached?

If it's the latter under the circumstances described, reassurance that you love him, want to comfort him and haven't forgotten him for the new baby feels like the best way forwards. Either he'll grow out of it, he can change his contact back, or if things get worse you can reconsider.

Original poster
Dontknowowt · 09/05/2021 19:26

@MinesAPintOfTea Yeah he wanted it to stay 50/50 (as did I) but nothing we can do. He does want constant reassurance.

My OH has put a TV in our bedroom so now I go up with my son and the baby at 9pm (baby in with me).

OP posts:
KaleJuicer · 09/05/2021 19:31

Have you tried a weighted blanket? Has stopped my 12 year old yo-yo ing out of bed all night to see me.

Original poster
Dontknowowt · 09/05/2021 19:33

@KaleJuicer Yes we have. Literally the only way he will settle is if I am in my room next door.

OP posts:
Hiphopopotamus · 09/05/2021 19:40

OP - is this you with the abusive and manipulative ex husband and the baby girl and the older DS who is going down the same path as the ex? If so it’s going to be hard for people to give you advice on this isolated problem as it’s tied in with a whole load of other stuff.

MinesAPintOfTea · 09/05/2021 22:24

It probably doesn’t matter in this case though: there’s a little boy whose residency arrangements are changing and who has just gained a little sibling. Now is the time to give love and attention, not try to stop it, especially when only a few nights a fortnight so limited in how much this can intrude on peaceful evening time

Original poster
Dontknowowt · 09/05/2021 22:32

@MinesAPintOfTea exactly why I've given in to him and come upstairs when he's here so he can get some sleep.

OP posts: