How to talk to 11 year old son about porn?

[rosalindbrown]

I have DS age 11 and just read this article on the Times
www.thetimes.co.uk/article/what-parents-need-to-teach-their-sons-in-2021-xznlpbbdt

It relates to the recent letters to private schools on sexual assault. Within the article, it says that:

"By the age of 11 you should have had a conversation about online pornography. Parents have to accept that, thanks to smartphones, their children will be exposed to pornography at a very early age and it will often be their first form of sex “education”. Dr Andrew Cornes, a consultant counselling psychologist, says: “Talk to kids about pornography around the age of 11. We need to tell them it’s not real, that these are actors, that pornography is highly misogynistic. That women are not submissive and they will not do everything you want, when you want it. Lots of boys I work with, and girls, think that what they see they will be entitled to in a relationship.” This conversation cannot be a one-off, Cornes stresses. “You’ve got the influence of the peer group coming in at age 14, where you might be encouraged to treat girls badly.” Don’t be squeamish about talking to your son about sexting, for example, and make sure you keep talking. “You’ve got to have multiple conversations before the penny actually drops.”

DS started Y7 in September at a boy's school, does not have a phone, has not had many new friends, has never been to anyone's houses, and is approaching 12.

How do I take on this advice?

Why does your son not have a phone. Buy him a phone block inappropriate websites by limiting adult content. Have a parent app such as family link on there.

I agree you should get him a phone, he'll be missing out on a lot of social interactions with his peers, also you can then start to talk about using it safely, how easy it is for things to get out of hand and what to do if he feels they are etc, and build from there.

I started a thread on this the other day: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4200462-Should-I-talk-to-my-my-primary-school-aged-son-about-porn

Hi OP, my DS is 13 and I found it useful to get him a book aimed at boys of his age, talking about bodies, masturbation etc and used that to start a conversation about porn.
I think its such a shame we have to accept this as part of their growing up but it would be very hard to shield then from it.
So the approach of open honest conversation is the one I'm taking. Stressing the difference between porn and real life, how it could impact their girlfriends and first relationships etc.
And keep talking. Its not a one off conversation.

@Daydreamsinglorioustechnicolor

Hi OP, my DS is 13 and I found it useful to get him a book aimed at boys of his age, talking about bodies, masturbation etc and used that to start a conversation about porn. I think its such a shame we have to accept this as part of their growing up but it would be very hard to shield then from it. So the approach of open honest conversation is the one I'm taking. Stressing the difference between porn and real life, how it could impact their girlfriends and first relationships etc. And keep talking. Its not a one off conversation.

What book was it please? Was it one you would recommend?

We got "Puberty Boy" by Geoff Smith, for DS, it covers loads of stuff in a way he finds easy to read and to understand and since he references it in conversations he obviously does read it.

@squiblet its called The boys guide to growing up by Phil Wilkinson.
It covers the basics and was a useful launching off point for chats.

Sorry, I've name changed

I got 'what's happening to me' which DS,, then 10, found v useful but it doesn't talk about porn. When I found he'd been searching for stuff like 'kissing' we had a v v serious chat about appropriate searches and most importantly that anything he saw (most filters really don't work well) was acting, as 'real' as the superhero films. That real sex is absolutely nothing like that. I teach PSHE to y7 and there is a huge variation in what they know, how much they use phones etc. I actually disagree that you MUST get him a phone. If he is happy as he is and not saying he's missing out then leave him to it. My DS has one as he gets the bus home but rarely if ever gets messages, is in no social media groups or tiktok etc and is fine. Theres a reason the age is 13 on Insta etc. We have a lot of issues at school with y7/8 group chats, online bullying etc.

thanks for all the replies

DS had a phone to find his way to school when he started Y7 last September but has lost it and never needed it again as he knows his way by heart. He didn't join any group chat when he had the phone and he's not bothered at all. He's an easy going boy and can make friends wherever he goes. I remember being this age I didn't have any communication outside school with friends and was perfectly happy about it.

I found all this advice regarding "educating your sons" on porn and consent very confusing. It appears to stress that we would be ignorant, neglectful, thereby failing our sons and society if we don't teach them early about these issues.

Do I wait until he joins group chats (hence exposing himself to indecent messages) then talk to him about porn?