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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

9 year old DD can't sleep

40 replies

charly2830 · 24/03/2021 13:01

Hi, I am new to Mumsnet and at the end of my tether! My 9-year-old daughter has been having trouble getting to sleep ever since we moved to our new house in January. She's settled into her bedroom fine and loves it, spends all her spare time in there and isn't scared. But she says she can't get to sleep. She doesn't actually fall asleep til 10-11pm most nights, and has to be up at 7am for school. Her teacher has just rung me to say she is tearful and I have noticed her moods have changed, and am sure it's because she is constantly tired (as well as the usual hormonal changes). I have tried everything - earlier bedtime, later bedtime, no screens, lavender etc. She has a good bedtime routine and gets plenty of fresh air and exercise. Not sure what to do - I want my happy-go-lucky little girl back! Does anyone have any advice? Thanks!

OP posts:
Ninibest · 24/03/2021 15:16

You did a very good job by trying all of those things, sometimes eating later before go to bed can trick the sleep too. Have you tried talking to her to know if is anything that is upsetting her? You can also check what she is watching on TV or smartphone, if nothing is bothering her you can try a relaxing time before going to bed and a good warm shower helps a lot before bed. Hope you can sort it out

Fivemoreminutes1 · 24/03/2021 15:36

Listening to an audio book helped my DS because he could just focus on the story, rather than overthinking/worrying about anything. I learnt that he used to replay events from during his day over and over and blow them out of proportion and dwell on the negatives. He also used to get himself anxious about things in the future cos he’d lie there thinking about all the scenarios that could possibly happen! I tried to choose light-hearted stories that weren’t too complex, scary or stimulating. So even though he was 10, he listened to:
The Faraway Tree
Just William
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
The Cat in the Hat
Mr Gum

I think he secretly enjoyed Paddington too.

Original poster
charly2830 · 24/03/2021 15:39

Thank you both. She does have a warm shower and a relaxing routine before bed. I read to her and she reads to herself afterwards. She also listens to meditations and sometimes that helps, but not always. She says she isn’t worrying about anything, but that she is thinking a lot! And I think she is also stressing that she won’t get to sleep, which is a bit of a vicious circle.

OP posts:
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 24/03/2021 15:41

What is she thinking about? Could she have a little diary or maybe some drawing materials before wind down?

Original poster
charly2830 · 24/03/2021 21:51

Tried that too! May be worth another go I guess. Her excuse tonight is she’s too warm...

OP posts:
QueenMabby · 24/03/2021 21:56

My daughter was similar at that age. A very busy brain and she would just think and think and think!
What helped her was a white noise machine. We just got one from Amazon. About £20. It has general white noise but also waves, rainforest sounds etc. It just gives her brain something else to focus on and it helps her fall asleep. She’s 12 now and still uses it every night. She’s usually out like a light within 20 minutes!

AngelDelightUk · 24/03/2021 21:58

Calming spa/relaxation music works wonders.

I think you do need to probe her though on what she’s thinking about. There might be something causing her anxiety

PearlJamButties · 24/03/2021 22:21

I'd second audiobooks.

My 10 yo listens for 20 to 30 mins then low music on (Google Bedtime Bach....gentle piano versions of songs).

We have also found listening to old favourite books on audio works particularly well as she doesn't get overly engrossed and want to stay awake to find out what will happen nextSmile

ScatteredMama82 · 24/03/2021 22:26

My DS has been through exactly the same. A couple of things we tried in the last year have helped...
-blue light filter on the laptop during homeschooling
-blue light glasses for gaming/TV in the evening (but still switch off plenty of time before going to bed)

I have to say the thing that has made the most difference is a magnesium supplement. It's helped loads, it took about 7-10 days to build up in his system enough to make any difference but since then he's very rarely complained of being unable to sleep and his mood is better as a result.

He also hates being too hot so I turned his radiator right down. I actually think his room is quite cold now, but he likes it!

Sawyersfishbiscuits · 24/03/2021 22:30

Following as there are some great tips for my DS. He really struggles to switch off.

Wainwriter · 24/03/2021 22:46

I agree that audiobooks can help. We still do normal bedtime routine where we read, then dd reads to herself, but then we switch the light out and she can listen to an audiobook. It seems to help her switch off and she often just falls asleep whilst listening. Obviously making sure they are physically tired can help too. My dd has been through a phase of real anxiety (probably triggered by the pandemic). It's tough for them at the moment. So much seems uncertain and the house move may have just triggered it.

Tankflybosswalkjam · 24/03/2021 22:49

Weighted blankets are very helpful. Melatonin works wonders too.

Original poster
charly2830 · 25/03/2021 06:09

Thank you all! We have tried the white noise (didn’t help) and we got some magnesium supplements but they were giving her tummy ache so had to stop. We have a weighted blanket but she says it makes her too warm. Her bedroom does get very hot whenever it’s sunny as she has a huge window - she has a fan on every night. She too likes it cold - might try a little air conditioning unit. I have wondered about melatonin but apparently it’s not licensed in the UK?

OP posts:
PinPon · 25/03/2021 06:22

A warm bath might be more relaxing than a shower. Some people find a shower stimulating ie it wakes them up rather than settling them down.

cryh · 25/03/2021 06:27

Oh insomnia is hard, feel sorry for her! With my least good sleeper I just say it doesn't matter and to read as late as they want and eventually they fall asleep.

I think the worst thing is lying there trying to sleep.

My instinctive thought is you have tried a huge number of things since only January, maybe just leave it for a bit? You might be making it worse by trying every solution possible...

ScatteredMama82 · 25/03/2021 08:51

@charly2830

Thank you all! We have tried the white noise (didn’t help) and we got some magnesium supplements but they were giving her tummy ache so had to stop. We have a weighted blanket but she says it makes her too warm. Her bedroom does get very hot whenever it’s sunny as she has a huge window - she has a fan on every night. She too likes it cold - might try a little air conditioning unit. I have wondered about melatonin but apparently it’s not licensed in the UK?
Have you spoken to your GP at all? I discussed with mine about DS. He gets hayfever, and I have noticed when I give him piriton if he's suffering he is out like a light! It needs to be the Chlorphenamine, it's the one that is the most drowsy. I find sometimes he gets into sleep anxiety, and lies there worrying about getting to sleep. If he's had a few bad nights and he's really tired, I give him a spoonful of piriton to break the cycle. My GP said, off the record, she would do the same. It needs to be VERY occasional use though, or it doesn't work.
ScatteredMama82 · 25/03/2021 08:52

@cryh

Oh insomnia is hard, feel sorry for her! With my least good sleeper I just say it doesn't matter and to read as late as they want and eventually they fall asleep.

I think the worst thing is lying there trying to sleep.

My instinctive thought is you have tried a huge number of things since only January, maybe just leave it for a bit? You might be making it worse by trying every solution possible...

I agree with this too, give something a few weeks before trying something else. I really sympathise OP as we've been through the very same. Flowers
jessstan2 · 25/03/2021 09:41

I was like your daughter, op. I found it very difficult to go to sleep early, always heard my parents coming up to bed long after me.

My son was the same but he stayed up with us, doing things and gradually winding down; it didn't do him any harm and when he eventually got to sleep, he was 'soundo'.

It's a shame she is a bit tired during the day at school but I expect she perks up in subjects and activities that interest her.

It does sound as though she has a reasonable amount of sleep.

You are doing all you can and there are good suggestions on here. Please try not to worry, every child is different.

gretagreengrapes · 25/03/2021 09:51

I see lots of children in my job with sleep problems. It sounds like you're doing all the right things like PPs have said, routine etc.
Is the room the right temperature? The curtains dark enough? Is she eating late enough so she's not hungry?

Also although she wants to spend lots of time in her room I'd discourage it to try and get her brain identifying that room for sleep not for play. Look at the NHS sleep tips for children, is there anything you could change in line with those?

Don't get too stressed about it, the more you worry about it the more you both won't be able to sleep! Our local MAST team run sleep training courses where someone will come to your house and help you with a bespoke routine, you can self refer to this kind of thing or your GP can so might be worth having a look on your local council website.

Atalune · 25/03/2021 09:56

My DS was the same and he was really distressed about it too.
Thank you both. She does have a warm shower and a relaxing routine before bed. I read to her and she reads to herself afterwards. She also listens to meditations and sometimes that helps, but not always. She says she isn’t worrying about anything, but that she is thinking a lot! And I think she is also stressing that she won’t get to sleep, which is a bit of a vicious circle

We did this-

All the usual bedtime routines which were calm and nice and then we would start to head upstairs when he said he was tired. We completely eradicated the “it’s getting late/you need an early night” type of chat from our vocabulary. We sat and played cards, or watched something easy or read downstairs and then we he said he was heading up, that’s what we did. We also let him read until he felt sleepy and so he was totally in charge of his sleep routine.

We also changed his mattress and bought new bedding.

He goes upstairs at about 9pm and he’s asleep by about 9.30/10. He is a little older- so started when he was 10.5 and stopped when he was 11.

curlyLJ · 25/03/2021 14:09

My just-turned 11yo DD is the same. She's never been one to drop off easily, even as a baby it could take hours to get her to sleep and then since toddlerhood, she has listened to story CDs or music to help her get to sleep.
She uses Audible now on her Alexa, but I have noticed her sleeping (or getting to sleep) has deteriorated further recently. Perhaps due to lock down, not being at school, no routine, no sports/dancing to wear her out.
Generally her light is out around 9pm, but she is still often awake when we go up at 10.30/11. We have tried guided meditations, bath before bed, reading, warm milk, talking about strategies to fall asleep, the lot!
Funnily enough though, my DH recently suggested that I may be making it worse by giving her 'suggestions' to try new things all the time, and that I am inadvertently reinforcing that she has a problem so I have stopped and now just say that she can read if she isn't sleepy. Seems to be improving very slowly...

jessstan2 · 25/03/2021 16:03

curly: ...my DH recently suggested that I may be making it worse by giving her 'suggestions' to try new things all the time, and that I am inadvertently reinforcing that she has a problem so I have stopped and now just say that she can read if she isn't sleepy. Seems to be improving very slowly...
...
Good. I think your husband is right and I doubt going to sleep late is doing her any harm. She does have a fair amount of sleep anyway.

curlyLJ · 25/03/2021 16:31

@Jessstan2, whilst I agree with my husband re strategy, she clearly isn't getting enough sleep as I am having to drag her out of bed every morning for school and she is sleepy/groggy at 7:45am.

She gets through the school day OK but is tired when she gets home, but then has a second wind at 9pm and can't switch her brain off!

Original poster
charly2830 · 25/03/2021 16:46

Curly, that sounds EXACTLY the same situation as we have! It’s school holidays next week so I think I am going to try the laid back approach as well, but I don’t want to allow her to stay up until she feels like going to bed as that means we can never watch what we want on the TV! I am going to say she must go lay on her bed but that she can read til she is tired. Like you say, taking the pressure off might help a bit. Fingers crossed!

OP posts:
jessstan2 · 25/03/2021 16:53

[quote curlyLJ]@Jessstan2, whilst I agree with my husband re strategy, she clearly isn't getting enough sleep as I am having to drag her out of bed every morning for school and she is sleepy/groggy at 7:45am.

She gets through the school day OK but is tired when she gets home, but then has a second wind at 9pm and can't switch her brain off![/quote]
I 'gat' that. I was like her in many ways, so was my son, we hated getting up. The thing is, do you know how she would be in the morning if she did sleep more at night? Some people are just not early birds regardless of how much sleep they have.

What is she like at weekends/when not at school? Does she get up early or have a long lie in?

Only time will solve this, you've done everything you can.

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