DD struggling socially in Y7

[phoebe35]

My DD is in y7 at a co ed indie school in S London, it was our first choice and she really wanted to go there. She was also really ready to meet new people - was very happy at her primary school and had a good crowd but not one absolute best friend.

She has really struggled to make new friends and obviously it’s not helped with lockdown. Unfortunately now she feels as though everyone else has made friends (she sees all their posts of what they’ve been doing, zoom calls, meeting on park etc) so why would they want/ need to be friends with her, she is now way too anxious about being rejected to suggest meeting up, doesn’t regularly message anyone at all so is now very isolated. She insists she wants to stay at the school and she joined in clubs etc.

It’s as if she has had a total loss of confidence and is now so uptight about it, I worry that she won’t be ‘fun’to hang out with even when they are back (she says stuff like she has no clue what to say to someone in person/ by text as she doesn’t know them yet...) so it’s a vicious circle we need to help her break.

does it take this long in y7 to find a crowd? lockdown is obviously making it worse. i just
never at all worried about her settling in as she is not nerdy/ uncool/ painfully shy. she is kind and good natured but possibly a bit more mature than some of the girls and maybe doesn’t let her hair down and act the fool. that’s all i can think of. not sure how to help her find her way. maybe we just have to let it run its course and accept it may take a lot longer to find her gang.

Your poor dd. It is totally normal though. It takes some of them a while to find friends in Y7 and then these groups quite often change in Y8! From then on I would say friendship groups are more stable. So she's only been there a term, plus with Covid restrictions things will have been different anyway.

Maybe have a quiet word with her form tutor when she goes back to school.

I agree that friendship groups often change in Y8. DD now has an almost completely different set of friends than she did in Y7. She's in Y9 and has kept the same friends from Y8.

Definitely talk to the school about it so that they can offer her some support though.

I think this lockdown has come at a difficult time for Y7 friendships. For many of them, they are still in a state of flux.
My Y7 DS was having a very happy time at school - part of a big crowd of new and old friends who played football. But hasn't wanted to meet up with any of them, or even kept in touch very much, because that 'pack' relationship hasn't settled into closer friendships yet. I am hoping it'll fall back into place when they go back.
Y7 DD was keeping in touch with her new friends at first, but a lot of it has tailed off now - there's just not that much to say and not enough hinterland to the friendships I guess. Again, I hope it will sort itself out.

I do understand your worries, and your DDs, but it might be fine when she's actually there in person. Think a word with form tutor as suggested above is a good idea, and otherwise, try not to worry about it too much for now until you see what happens once they do go back (I know that's easy to say, and hard to do - it's meant kindly, not dismissively).
Do you/she have old primary friends she could see? Would that help?

thanks, yes she is seeing 2 old primary school friends this week but that’s all. won’t ask anyone new to meet up in case they don’t reply/ say
no. won’t meet my friend’s daughter (with me) who she vaguely knows.

form tutor knows and was meant to be making sure she was buddied up with certain people when they do break out rooms on line but it turns out this hasn’t really happened much.

hopefully not long until they are back and she can start afresh.

My year 7 ds is struggling a bit too. It’s been such a bad time for kids to start at senior school, they didn’t get enough time to bond and settle in properly. My ds was the only one to join this school from his previous prep school, most of his year group came from the same prep so they all knew each other.
I tell him year 8 will be a much better experience.